“If a woman is not submissive to a man it is not because she lacks the ability to submit; rather he lacked the ability to create for her a place in her heart and mind to fall to her knees.”
These articles are primarily about what I call lifestyle BDSM, that is, 24/7 BDSM relationships. I write strictly from my personal experience and I write within the framework of the Dominant and submissive dynamic that I am familiar with. Which is to say, a Male Dominant with only female submissives. Hence I tend to use male pronouns in reference to Dominants and female pronouns in reference to submissives. Despite that, most of what I write about can reference BDSM dynamics between any combination of genders or sexual identities. While I think the majority of Dominants are male, a Dominant can certainly be female or gender fluid, and likewise for a submissive or for those who like to switch. My use of gender specific pronouns simply reflects my personal space. Having said that, I am also a firm believer in masculine men and feminine women, in traditional roles.
- The BDSM Boot Camp
A boot camp is a short, intense, rigorous, and focused period of training that has two specific goals: to teach new skills and to instill new habits in place of old. For example, a military boot camp is designed to take a civilian and give them the skills necessary to work and survive as a soldier in a relatively short period of time (usually just two to three months). A BDSM boot camp is designed to give someone an introduction to the skills and lifestyle so that they will be comfortable in the community that they are interested in joining. The BDSM boot camp really has its roots in the Leather community (where they are often referred to as Runs). They usually occur over a short period of time from a weekend to as long as a week, often taking place during major fetish fairs, but may also be scheduled to run by different organizations. Outside the leather community, the are often run by local dungeons, private organizations, or put on by professional Dominants in the community. Again, these usually run from just a few short days to a week, though I have heard of a few that run longer. The other type of boot camp has its origin in the Domestic Discipline communities and has become fairly common in Taken In Hand (TIH) or 1950s type households. The Domestic Discipline type of boot camp is what I like to refer to as a Lifestyle Boot Camp. It is a boot camp that is really designed to help the submissive partner take on the role in a way that it becomes a natural part of who they are. Being submissive is of course a natural part of who someone is, but acting submissive to a particular person often has to be taught, the mannerisms, the habits, the acts, etc., that a particular Dominant wants out of the submissive must be learned and old/bad habits, often deeply ingrained by society, overcome. These types of boot camps are run within the confines of a private relationship, they take place in the home not in a private club or under the dominion of a professional. However, they are not the same as D/s or M/s play, they are not a scene; the BDSM Lifestyle Boot Camp is a tool to help both the Dom and the sub grow in their relationship dynamic. The Lifestyle BDSM boot camp usually lasts a minimum of three weeks, I personally think four weeks is a good length for most people. After the first boot camp, it can then be repeated for shorter periods of time, a weekend or a week, once a year, or more, as desired or needed. But we break down the specifics of running your own boot camp, I’d like to mention a few caveats. First, a lifestyle boot camp is not something one does with a brand new partner. For example, if I were to bring a new sub into my existing dynamic, I would not want to start a boot camp the first week she lived with us. We would want to spend several weeks setting ground rules, building our relationships, getting to know one another better first. After she was well established in our home, perhaps after a month or so, then I would want to start a boot camp. This allows her to learn and grow in an environment she is already comfortable in and not have to adjust to new partners, new living arrangements, a new lifestyle and do a boot camp all at the same time. Second, a Dominant should never run more than one boot camp at a time. Boot camps are extremely taxing for both partners and trying to do it for more than one person will lead the Dominant to make too many mistakes, cut too many corners, and end up watering down the entire experience for both people involved. You then end up with unsatisfactory results and feeling as if you wasted your time. If the Dominant has more than one sub, their boot camps should be run one at a time, with at least a short break between them. Third, a lifestyle boot camp only occurs between two people. In dynamics where more than two people are involved, it is very important that the Dominant insure that all of the related interaction occur only between one Dominant and one submissive. For example, in a household with two subs, the Dominant want to insure that all of the boot camp interaction occurs between Him and her only and that interactions between the two subs should be standard interactions and the sub not in boot camp should strive to be supportive of her new partner. Conversely, in the more rare situation where a sub might have two Dominants (i.e. a caregiver Daddy Dom and maybe a sadist Dom), it is very important that the second Dominant try to be supportive and perhaps even refrain from excessive communication or orders during the boot camp. We want to avoid any confusion over dynamics, over power and authority in the relationship. Fourth, a Lifestyle Boot Camp is not the time to be introducing new rules or lifestyle changes. All of the basic rules for the relationship should be fully negotiated and in place before the boot camp begins and the sub should already be comfortable and knowledgeable with them. It will be stressful enough for both the Dom and the sub as is, trying to make changes during the process only makes things worse. Also, not all of the rules need to be in place. The main rules that dominate the relationship must be there of course, but others can certainly be introduced later as the relationship grows. Further, for those dynamics with multiple subs, all of the rules that are in play during the boot camp should already exist for all subs. The sub going through the boot camp should not see any sign of favoritism that might cause resentment or a feeling of unfair treatment and should know that other subs have already done the boot camp or will be doing it next. One caveat that I would like to mention. Boot camps for BDSM are not about breaking or tearing down a submissive. They do not involve forced behavior and you should never use a boot camp type of approach to try and impose a lifestyle or behavior patterns onto someone who isn’t certain about wanting this type of lifestyle or is new and just trying things out. A boot camp is for a sub who is consenting to enter into a deeper, more intense, level of ‘service’ to the Dominant. Running the BDSM Lifestyle Boot Camp Step 1. Negotiation & Setup As with all aspects of our lifestyle, everything needs to be negotiated up front and fully consensual. The boot camp is not a place for surprises or sudden changes. The boot camp requires a pretty radical shift in mindset for both people and really the first part of this is setting yourself up for success. The boot camp is not a normal D/s relationship tool, it is definitely not a tool for those who are simply topping/bottoming in the bedroom. The mindset requires you to enter into a pure Master/slave dynamic for the length of it. The sub must think of the Dominant as her Master and the Dominant must embrace the role of Master. The submissive will be practicing her submission through the complete abandonment of her will; by removing all of the obstacles to submission, all of the programming of life and society, all of the options that daily life provides, the submissive enters a slave state of mind, no longer needing to struggle against the internal debates that get in the way of authentic submission and she allows the Master to truly Lead and Dominate. During the boot camp the slave will fully relinquish all rights to choose, to make her own decisions, to oppose, to contradict, to argue, or question her Master. From the smallest decisions to the largest, everything belongs to her Master. It is this mindset that has to rule the entire period of the boot camp. Furthermore, the Master must accept the responsibility of making every decision, no matter how small, putting her needs first. In many ways, this boot camp is much more difficult for the Dominate than the submissive, she has but to bend her will to Him, He has to exercise His authority and will in every moment of every day, and His every failure becomes very obvious and potentially damaging to the dynamic. While no one is perfect, the quest for perfection in decision making has to be a primary goal here. The Master must strive to be the ideal Leader, not just the stereotypical Dominant, bossy and demanding, but a true living example of the ethical Master. Otherwise a boot camp that should leave to a profound shift in the dynamic, a radical growth in the relationship, will end in destructive behavior. The Master is tasting true power, perhaps for the first time ever, and in doing so He must learn to wield it, mastering both Himself and the submissive simultaneously. If the Dominant learns to exercise His power intelligently and efficiently, without wavering, His slave will come out of the boot camp with a true sense of her submission, stronger in her ability to be authentically His. It is a deliberate practice of trust and devotion unlike any other. Step 2. The Process A Lifestyle BDSM Boot Camp will look a little different for every couple that runs it. Depending on the specific living conditions it can vary quite a bit in outward appearance. I have heard of it being done in households where there are children present, in households where there are roommates, and with a couple who lived with the submissive’s family. It can be done by any couple who really wants to deepen their trust, their level of commitment and intimacy, and reinforce their D/s or M/s dynamic. There are no hard and fast rules, it should be modified slightly to fit the dynamic of the people involved, but for maximum effect it should stay pretty close to the outline above.
- Punishment in BDSM and Vanilla Relationships
In modern psychology we almost always talk about punishment in relationships in a negative light. Punishment, usually emotional punishment, causes distancing between partners and occurs when one person tries to punish another for what they perceive to be bad behavior. Often that perception is an ill-conceived one, arising from misperception and misconception of what the other was doing or thinking. Of course, physical punishment which is abusive must never be tolerated. But most often punishment is a more subtle type of behavior ranging from small things like ignoring someone, backhanded insults, or withholding basic affection, to larger more obvious acts like walking away from them, sleeping on the couch, or refusing sex. Yes, refusing to have sex with your partner is a form of punishment. But contrary to what mainstream society likes to believe, partly as a result of our modern obsession with forced/coerced equality in all things, there is a place for punishment in a good relationship – when it is done right. Unfortunately punishment is usually done wrong. It is forced on the relationship and does not arise from a sense of wanting to better the relationship, helping the people involved to grow, rather it occurs as a way for one person to make themselves feel superior to the other (though usually without realizing it). Punishment in the BDSM community however, is a result of breaking a rule that has been purposefully and consensually negotiated, that occurs in a carefully controlled environment, and is for the purpose of bettering the person being punished. There are no random factors involved. There is in fact a very legalistic approach in that you can only be punished for those rules clearly set forth by the Dominant and agreed upon by the submissive. Through very transparent communication the exact boundaries of every relationship are laid out and everyone involved knows what is expected of them, what happens when they fail to live up to those expectations and how they will be punished. I would like to note that many people, perhaps most, within the BDSM community as a whole, use the terms punishment and discipline interchangeably. In fact, because of the negative stigma often attached to the word punishment, discipline is by far the more commonly used word, as in Domestic Discipline. However, I prefer the term punishment. To me discipline is an active and ongoing process, as in “I need to discipline myself,” or “I am teaching her discipline.” Whereas punishment is a single act, that treats a single event, that once it is done, it is over with, the transgression is forgiven, and we move on. Punishment, done right, builds or reinforces discipline. There is a proper way to punish your sub in the BDSM Lifestyle and I want to talk, very briefly, about the difference between how we do things and how they are typically done in more vanilla relationships as well as why I think our Lifestyle does this so much better. Remember, punishments are always part of a negotiated, consensual dynamic. They should, without exception, have been discussed and agreed upon long before a situation requiring punishment even occurs. In fact, punishments should be a part of the initial negotiation between partners. So let’s look very briefly at punishments in BDSM. Punishments can take any number of forms. It can vary from spankings to writing sentences, standing in the corner or orgasm denial. Regardless of the method of punishment, it should be something that the Dominant feels is appropriate to the action being corrected and it should always be administered as soon as possible after a rule is broken. There are a few common rules that occur around punishments that experienced Dominants always follow. We never punish in anger. If you are in a situation where your sub needs to be punished, but you are angry – walk away. You might tell her to stand in the corner in the meantime, but that should be the absolute maximum. Walk away and come back when you have allowed your anger to dissipate, never punish a sub when you are angry. We never confuse punishment with ‘funishment’. This is one of those common mistakes that new Tops, or new Dominants make. When you punish, it should never be immediately followed by sexual gratification of either partner. It is too easy to fall into the trap of confusing punishment with play, of the sub beginning to equate the two. We should always end the punishment with aftercare. Make sure the submissive is physically and mentally okay. This is not in any way detracting from the punishment, but the sub must know, when she is done being punished, that she will be cared for and that we are not abandoning her in any way. Always, always, always, clearly state the reasons for the punishment before you begin, make sure the submissive clearly understands why she is being punished. It is a mistake to simply punish a submissive and she not understand exactly why she is being punished. A clearly articulated explanation, with the submissive in turn expressing her understanding, followed by the punishment sets up a chain of physical and psychological reactions that lead the sub to improve her behavior. Properly done, it should result in the growth of the submissive as she learns to avoid behavior that is unbecoming of her. Perhaps most importantly, when a punishment is given, that is the absolute end of the matter. The Dom should never bring up that particular failure on the part of the submissive ever again, as a specific event. That is to say, she broke a rule in the morning, she is punished, the Dominant should not then continue to talk about the matter or hold it over her in any way. A pattern of repeated behavior might need to dealt with, but not as separate incidents. Once punished, the submissive is forgiven, cared for, and we move on. Now, let us consider punishments in Vanilla relationships. The first thing that most people are going to think of when I bring this up is that there are no punishments in Vanilla relationships. But let’s consider that for a moment. Consider the couple who get into an argument because the husband came home after a long day at work and his partner spent the day in front of the TV and did nothing around the house, no cleaning, no cooking, nothing. Maybe they don’t have an agreement about who does what, like most vanilla couples they probably have pretty poor communication skills, the person at home felt they had a right to their day off and to do nothing but the person who worked all day felt they should be able to come home to a clean house. Where do we end up? The husband is upset, starts taking it out on the spouse, making petty comments, maybe ignores her or they end up arguing. Nothing is probably going to get settled, they both end up stewing in their own self-righteous anger, thinking how they are right and their partner is wrong. It is a punishment. They end up trying to punish one another and in turn punish themselves as well. But in an established BDSM relationship that shares some form of D/s dynamic, we don’t have that problem, especially when the people involved are experienced, particularly the Dominant. Roles are established, rules are created, punishments are agreed upon, and most importantly good communication exists. There is a world of difference that we really need to consider. In a typical D/s dynamic, when the sub breaks the rules, she is punished, behavior is corrected, and the matter is concluded. In a typical vanilla relationship issues can go unresolved for long periods of time often resulting in a pattern of increasing hostility or apathy, in extreme cases even resulting in separation or, gods forbid, abuse. It is just one of the many, many advantages of having a relationship that is built around a D/s dynamic. It’s something that I think more people both within the BDSM community and even those who will never be into our scenes should take to heart. There is a lot we can learn from the Domestic Discipline, Trad Wife, 1950’s Households, or just plain D/s type dynamics. Regardless of the specifics of your relationship, the principles behind punishment are fairly universal. Agree to a rule, if you break it you’re punished by the other partner. I’ve seen a few couples with a bedroom type D/s dynamic where they actually switch successfully implement it, but most of the time it works really well in full-time D/s relationships where one partner is always a Dominant. One thing that I do want to bring up: what happens when the Dominant partner is the one not following rules or helping? Something that I have certainly been guilty of and I’m sure that all Dominants have been equally guilty of at different times. First, the real key here is the line of communication that exists between the submissive and the Dominant. Every proper D/s relationship has a strong foundation of communication, well beyond what the vast majority of people in modern society have ever taken on in their more vanilla relationships. If, as a Dominant or simply as a partner, I am failing in some task or chore, then my submissives have the right and the responsibility to talk to me about it (respectfully of course). And I do not have the right to get angry at them for pointing out my flaws and failures (when they are respectful and not acting bratty or petty). Quite the opposite, as the Dominant in my relationships, as the example to my partners, it is my number one duty to correct that behavior with myself. How can I, as the leader of my relationships, expect my subs to service me in any way if I am not taking care of them? You cannot be a Dominant and not be taking care of your subs. You cannot be a Dominant and not be setting a good example at all times. You cannot be a Dominant and set rules that you expect your subs to follow and then not follow your own rules. And being a Dominant does not mean you don’t do anything in the relationship except boss your subs around. Even when your submissive is a full-on service sub who loves her calling and basically lives for you, you’ve got to do your share. If your D/s relationship exists only in the bedroom than you have a responsibility to care for her when you are in the bedroom playing. Way more so when that D/s dynamic begins to extend outside of the bedroom and becomes more than just sex. And those of us who live in 24/7 dynamics have a tremendous level of responsibility to insure that everything we are responsible for is being taken care of. Lifestyle BDSM is a far superior approach to long-term relationships than the more accepted approach to standard western marriage that we often refer to as vanilla and, when done right, produces a far happier and satisfied human being.
- Taken In Hand
Author: A submissives journey Taken in Hand (sometimes abbreviated as TiH) is a neologism that refers to a style of monogamous, heterosexual relationship which is male-led. The female submits to her male partner’s decisions in matters of everyday life. Non-Sexual Dynamics Most Taken in Hand relationships exist between couples who are married or at least highly committed. The root of the idea of a Taken in Hand relationship is that the female will submit to the male in matters of everyday life. To what extent and which areas this covers varies from couple to couple, from a general avoidance of conflict by letting the male partner ‘get his way’ to almost complete submission to the preferences of the man in matters such as clothing, friendships with others, styling of hair and many other things. It is quite common in TiH relationships for the woman to generally curtail her social life significantly so as devote more time to the relationship. Unlike BDSM relationships, TiH relationships are strictly ‘real life’ rather than consisting of negotiated scenes. Whilst many BDSM activities take place mostly within the bedroom or the ‘Scene’ (parties, clubs etc.) TiH relationships place a great deal of emphasis on everyday ‘vanilla’ submission to the authority of the male as ‘Head of Household’ (HoH) in a committed and long term relationship. Generally the male partner is expected to be the final decision-maker in most matters, and the female is expected to submit to him. This is generally regarded as being for the ultimate benefit of the relationship in reducing conflict and fostering closeness and trust. In some ways TiH could be and often is regarded as a very old-fashioned marriage, and many conventional marriages do fit unknowingly into the TiH dynamic. Discipline is a fairly major aspect of Taken in Hand relationships and is used by the man on the woman to either punish a transgression (flagrant disobedience, arguing etc.) or as a means to end an unending dispute. The discipline rendered may be verbal scolding or loss of privileges, but is most often physical (usually a spanking). In this context it is intended to be un-erotic and not desired (though it is consensual). Unlike BDSM Master/slave relationships, the woman in a Taken in Hand relationship is not regarded in any way as owned property. However many couples in TiH relationships feel that a strong feeling of possessiveness and protectiveness by the man for the woman is an essential ingredient of the relationship, which is also commonly accepted in western culture. This does not however extend to a concept of the woman being owned property. Although it is often said that not all TiH women are submissive, and not all TiH men dominant, it is generally accepted that a large proportion of both do regard themselves as such. There are few cold facts or rules when it comes to TiH relationships, but speculation as to why this type of relationship has gained some popularity of late has lead some researchers to the conclusion that it is derived primarily from the sex life of the couples involved. The naturally penetrative and dominating sexual position of the man and the receptive and submissive position of the woman, which leads to fertilization, could indicate one reason for the popularity of TiH relationships. Sexual Dynamics The sexual dynamic of Taken in Hand relationships is seen as an extension of the non-sexual dynamics. Although the female partner will almost invariably be submissive and passive to the will and wishes of the male, it is not a must. A Taken in Hand relationship may have both authoritarian and cooperative aspects, and it is up to each couple to determine how sexual power will be handled in their relationship. Although corporal punishment is employed in Taken in Hand relationships literally as discipline for transgression, erotic spanking is fairly common as well. For Taken in Hand couples who also enjoy erotic spanking, a variety of ways to differentiate between erotic and disciplinary spanking have been developed, mostly having to do with the intensity and duration of the spanking. The issue of consent Consent is a major issue in TiH relationships. Similar to some D/s relationships in BDSM, there is often blanket consent, when at the beginning of the relationship there is an understanding that this is the kind of relationship both parties really want, and consent is given for all or most things that the relationship entails, much like old-world marriage vows. There is also a strong idea of ‘consensual nonconsent’, particularly when discipline is involved. There is much debate over exactly where the lines are drawn concerning this and quite what it encompasses but the general idea includes both ‘Consent through silence’ (very common in TiH relationships in the ‘I actually disapprove but I will say nothing so as not to be disobedient’ context) style of consent and the idea that although on the surface a woman may say no, on a deeper level and from the beginning of the relationship consent genuinely was present, and on that deeper level is still strongly given. The issue remains thorny, more outside of the TiH world than within it however. To outsiders, TiH relationships are often regarded as old fashioned and sometimes even abusive or exploitative. Diversity Although Taken in Hand relationships are generally defined as monogamous and heterosexual, there is some interest in the dynamics of the relationship being applied to same-sex relationships, where one partner is the dominant partner and the other the submissive partner regardless of actual gender. Not universally accepted within the TiH world the dynamic has nonetheless been exported, particularly to the butch/femme community, where D/s relationships have long been comparatively common. Original Article at A submissives journey website.
- Videos for the new sub
These video links are presented in no particular order How to Be a Better Submissive [BDSM] 3 Tips on How to Be Submissive Avoiding Sub Frenzy and Advice for New Submissives The Basic Tenets of Being a Submissive in a D/s Dynamic | Submissive Guide Submissive Self-Training: A How-to Guide [BDSM] Communication Tips for Introverted, Shy and Nervous Submissives [BDSM] BDSM: Slave Training 101 BDSM: Slave Training 102 BDSM: Slave Training 103 Submissive Training: slave positions. For Dominants and submissives in a BDSM relationship Ask A Sex Worker – How to be Submissive and Sexy at the Same Time [Audio] The Basic Tenets of Being a Submissive in a D/s Dynamic | Submissive Guide How to Reward Your Dominant FAKE SUBMISSIVES ! BDSM advice Personal Growth as a Submissive (play list) Active Submission – Make Yourself Available to Your Dominant | Submissive Guide
- Red Flags in BDSM
What is a red flag? All of us strive for connection, for finding that someone who “gets us,” for meeting those human beings who are compatible with our own needs, wants, and desires. Finding that right connection is essential to initiating a good dynamic in a BDSM relationship, or any relationship, and to building and maintaining good mental health in our daily lives. Unfortunately, the journey to finding that right connection, and particularly for those people who are new to the BDSM lifestyle, is often a very rocky road and it can be a road fraught with difficulty. Especially since most people new to BDSM are online and the online community, unlike the ‘In Real Life’ community, still has no good way of policing itself at this time and it is very easy to fall victim to predators, to people who lie about their place in the community, their history and experience. But we don’t want that. So we have to learn to look out for and recognize those indicators that someone is not who they claim to be or that they are not right for you. These indicators, what we call ‘Red Flags,’ are usually quite obvious in retrospect but often we tend to overlook them in the heat of the moment, during the excitement of trying to find a new partner, and we need to be very careful and force ourselves to step back, slow down, and say to oneself, “I am worth more than that person thinks I am.” We have to learn to look for, recognize, be cognizant of, and accept those clues that clearly indicate there is going to be trouble further on down the road. Now, my primary concern is always educating people who are new to the BDSM lifestyle and I am particularly concerned about female subs as they are the most common target, or victims, of abuse and/or neglect. However, most, if not all of these red flags can easily pertain to anyone, of any dynamic, of any sex or gender, on either side of the slash, and no matter how experienced one is, we are all susceptible to making rash decisions and not paying attention to our instincts – and then paying for it later. Try and learn some of the more obvious red flags, pay attention to how often you’ll see them in the online communities, and hopefully you’ll save yourself a lot of grief in the future. When you do encounter them you need to really take a step back, pause, and make a sane determination about whether or not to proceed. Some red flags might simply indicate a lack of experience or education, others might be outweighed by so-called ‘green flags’ (those indicators that we consider positive for a relationship), while others should cause us to quickly put on the brakes and say “Hell, no!” First Impressions We don’t often think about it, but every relationship is built on a foundation of first impressions. In real life our first impressions are created in just seconds; online they are created in the first few communications, or in that first look at a profile, etc. First impressions give us that initial feeling of trust and interest, or lack thereof, that every relationship starts off with. And first impressions are not easy to overcome. Nor should they be. After all, our first impressions are often right – or at least they are right in the moment. And we need to be able to trust our first impressions, trust that they will help us to reduce uncertainty in establishing grounds for a new relationship. So what are some of the things we should look out for in establishing those first impressions? How they speak or write to you. If someone approaches you and strikes up a conversation like some thug, or sends you an online message using ‘text slang,’ how serious can you really take them? If someone is unwilling to write proper English, form complete sentences, check their spelling, and so on, do they really care that much about establishing a real relationship with you? When someone isn’t willing to try and make a good first impression, when their writing is just plain lazy, or they aren’t putting any effort in how they speak to you, why would you expect them to try to put effort into a future relationship? Can you really take them serious, or are you so desperate that you’re willing to overlook the most basic courtesies that anyone should take when initiating a conversation with someone new? Remember, how you start a conversation with someone, whether online or in real life, lays the groundwork for the whole relationship. Getting to know you The second stage in relationship development is getting to know each other. During this stage you are ‘testing the waters’ while trying to find what you have in common. You are trying to discover what about this other person makes them worth your time and interest. You want to know if they are receptive to you, to your wants and needs. You are basically determining your level of commitment. The most important thing to understand is that at this level you are either reinforcing your first impressions or you are making the other person work extremely hard to overcome that first impression. And this is where most people make their first bad mistakes. This is where we tend to fall victim to our own infatuation, to putting on rose colored glasses and missing the obvious, or just letting our amorous natures take over. We have to take a step-back and insure that we are trusting our first impressions, if they were good, we should be building on that, but if they were bad… we should never just overlook it. There are a number of red flags we really need to look out for as we are getting to know someone beyond that first contact. Disrespectful communication. This is, unfortunately, a very common problem particularly with the online BDSM community. Anything that is degrading, demeaning, or objectifying is disrespectful to you. When someone sends you sexual messages before a formal relationship is established, it is disrespectful. Asking for nude or provocative images is disrespectful. Any kind of attacks- anything that is deliberately confrontational, aggressive or abusive, even subtly, is disrespectful. Be cautious however to differentiate between assertiveness and aggressiveness. If you are new to BDSM and have never dealt with Dominate men before, particularly those of us who tend toward the more Alpha/masculine/sadist spectrum of dominance, it is easy to conflate assertive behavior with aggressive behavior. If you are ever in that position, say something to the person you are speaking to, do not be afraid to speak up. Any competent Dom will adjust themselves, tone themselves down a bit, to ease your anxiety. If they won’t/can’t, it might be a red flag. Narcissistic abuse. Narcissism is a personality disorder that can manifest itself in a variety of ways. Perhaps the most insidious form is isolationism. Anyone who talks about isolating you in any way, either at the development stage of a relationship, or later on, is someone you need to run away from. Regardless of your lifestyle you should always be able to talk to friends and family members whenever you want. If a person tries to isolate you, that is, they try to keep you away from your social circles, it is a huge red flag. The opposite is also true, if they isolate themselves, keeping away from all of their family, not willing to make or have friends outside of the immediate relationship, not willing to let you get to know anyone in their life, it’s a red flag. But if we are in an established relationship, some isolating might occur that is done as a form of healthy protectionism. That is, the Dom might want the sub to stay away from people that He considers abusive or that cause the sub distress. But this is something that has to be carefully communicated and should never carry over to the subs healthy relationships. In addition, be aware that narcissistic abuse may include lying about you to others, silent treatments, withholding money, gaslighting, and more. False claims and forced titles. Okay, here goes one of my biggest personal pet peeves. Listen up everyone. If you’re fucking 18 years old, have had 1 vanilla relationship, and watched 50 Shades – you’re not a fucking MASTER! Got it. Stop, just stop with the BS claims. Okay, rant over. But seriously, when you meet someone and you’re first getting to know them, no one anywhere, in any part of the BDSM community (outside of the Old Guard) should be trying to get you to call them by any honorifics. Until you have negotiated a relationship or play, no one is a SIR, or DADDY, or MASTER, or anything else. And you also have to be very careful, and exercise some common sense, about the claims some people make. When someone claims to have ten years of experience in the BDSM world, but doesn’t know the difference between SSC and RACK, or subspace and subdrop, seriously?! Look, it is perfectly okay to not have experience but to want to be a top or Dom, but be honest about it. Please. And when your instincts tell you someone is lying, is grossly exaggerating their place in the community, trust that inner voice. Along with the false claims, and title whores, be aware of community gatekeepers- there are a surprising number of people out there who seem to think they know everything about the BDSM world, that their way is the only way, and if you don’t to it ‘right’ you’re not really part of the community. Communicating in a timely manner. Imagine you’re in a serious relationship, maybe dating for a year or so, the magic is there, you’re glued to one another, finishing sentences, everything is roses, but then suddenly your partner vanishes for two weeks. No reason, no explanation, and just as suddenly, poof, they pop back into your life and expect to pick right back up like nothing ever happened. How would you respond? And this is after a year of being together. Now, imagine this happening when you’re first trying to build a relationship. I would hope most of us pull the plug right then and there, but it’s a sad reality that this type of behavior is quite common, on both sides of the slash. I regularly see people complain about this type of behavior, complaining about how the person they are vetting keeps dropping off the face of the earth for a week or two and then comes back, about how someone takes days to respond to a simple text. But then they keep trying to vet the person in the hopes that it will somehow work out down the road. Listen, if someone can’t be respectful enough to communicate in a timely manner at the start of a relationship, what the hell makes you think they will be a good communicator further down the road. Most of us show our best sides when we are first starting out with someone and if that is your best side, well… it won’t get better later. Sexual messages way too early on. While this is really part of the disrespectful communication that I wrote about above, it happens so often, it is so annoyingly common, that I wanted to add it as a separate red flag. There is absolutely no way that anyone, with any level of decency, will walk up to a person on the street, introduce themselves, and ask to see them naked or have them come to their mom’s basement and have sex with them right then. Don’t fall for it, don’t let yourself be pressured into it, just plain don’t do it, respect yourself. Don’t fall for lines trying to get you to see if you two are compatible, or to just play for one night. You aren’t in a BDSM club negotiating a scene, you’re trying to establish a long-term (probably) relationship. If they are that pushy right out of the gate, how much do you think they’ll respect your boundaries further down the road? Besides, BDSM isn’t just about sex, in fact sex is a minority part of almost any dynamic, and if you’re vetting someone who does not understand that, you need to move on. Note that a lot of these red flags cease to become red flags after a relationship is established and boundaries are negotiated. It is all about timing and it is really imperative that we adhere to the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Safety Let’s talk about safety. Physical safety. Emotional safety. Mental safety. Relationships are supposed to be a safe space. A place where you can trust one another on a deeper level, where communication is open, vulnerable, and honest; where we can be emotionally open with our partner, where we don’t have to feel like we are forced to be silent. Relationships are supposed to be a place where we are free from danger, fear and anxiety. Free from rejection and the fear thereof. We should be celebrated by our partner (and celebrating them in turn) and never just tolerating one another. This type of relationship, which all BDSM relationships should strive to be, are built on trust and any act which violates that trust, or lessens it, is a red flag. Feeling pressured. No one should ever feel pressured in this lifestyle. When you push someone to do something they don’t want to do, guess what, we are entering the realm of abuse, maybe worse. Feeling pressured is not the same as pushing boundaries or growing beyond previous limits. Those are things that happen organically in a relationship with someone you trust and you will know when you’re ready to go further. Someone else trying to convince you, to berate you, into doing something you’re not comfortable with, or have no interest in, is simply unacceptable and is a hard red flag. You should be able to talk about something, whether it is a kink or not, and as soon as you say no – that’s the end of it. Your limits are yours and no Dom anywhere gets to push a sub beyond her stated limits. Doesn’t want to use Safewords. Okay, there is exactly one single place in BDSM where safewords might not exist and that is in long-term, very experienced M/s relationships. These are couples that have been together for years (decades in my case), they know one another inside and out, they trust one another implicitly, and their relationship has evolved into a carefully negotiated M/s dynamic (whether they call it that or not). Absolutely no one else in BDSM, especially no one in a new relationship or with less than a decade (give or take) of BDSM experience, should ever even talk about giving up safewords. Anyone who won’t use safewords, or suggests that they don’t want to use safewords, or tries to talk you out of using a safeword, is a predator and an abuser – without exception. Also, watch out for people who don’t want to use standard safewords like the stoplight system or words that are easy for the sub to remember. I have run into at least one person who deliberately tried to use difficult safewords so that they would have an excuse to push the sub way past what she wanted, and could then claim she never used her safeword. Listen to me, anyone who does that is a rapist, plain and simple. Talking about TPE or 24/7 M/s too early. Alright, this is one of my personal kinks. To me, Lifestyle BDSM reaches its zenith when an established couple enters into the realm of 24/7 TPE whether they call it D/s or M/s is irrelevant. But note that I said established. A new couple, a new dynamic, is absolutely not a place for talking about Total Power Exchange relationships, other than casually or to indicate it as a possible future interest. To suggest to a new partner that they should engage in 24/7 TPE is simply way too controlling and someone is on a power-trip. Now, that does not mean that new partners can’t negotiate a temporary TPE for a limited duration, say a night or a weekend- that is quite common. What I am referring to is the person who wants to enter into a permanent 24/7 TPE dynamic right off the bat, which is never acceptable. Doesn’t do aftercare. This one has always been a complete mystery to me. Now, I’ve seen this one manifest in a few different varieties. The first is the new person who isn’t aware of what aftercare is, doesn’t understand it’s place and importance. If they are willing to be educated, not a problem. The other ones fall under the “I don’t or won’t do aftercare” flag. Even if someone is upfront about it, to me that is a solid red flag. Look, if you don’t want to ministrate to someone after getting your rocks off – than you don’t really care about them, it’s just bad sex, and who needs that in their life. Even in a BDSM dungeon, between two people who just met and arranged a little play scene, aftercare is standard. Seriously, if a stranger can do it, you damn sure better expect it from a real partner. Besides, if you do it right, aftercare is just as enjoyable as the play and can even be part of the scene. Unwilling to engage in safe sex. This is one of those areas where the definition of safe sex isn’t quite cut and dried and needs to be carefully negotiated between the involved parties. It absolutely must involve STI testing and anyone not willing to go and get tested isn’t worth your time. Beyond that, the use of various forms of…
- The Fragrant Dust
Written by: Polly Peachum From the author: I wrote this article in 1988 for one issue of a short-lived print bdsm zine called “The Original Agenda.” This zine was produced and distributed by Jon Jacobs and Gloria Brame to a small subscription base comprised mostly of couples and individuals they had become acquainted with on Compuserve, from the Variations II forum, or Section 12b, which they co-founded. The Original Agenda discussed issues of interest to people intrigued by extreme forms of power exchange. My CompuServe handle at that time was ~ ~ ~ denis ~ ~ ~, and that’s how I signed this piece in the newsletter. At the time this was written I was just getting to know Jon, my future master. He went by the handle Master Red Dawn on Compuserve, or MRD, which was much easier to type. Although I am not a believer in much of anything except maybe in the persistence of love, this piece has a somewhat spiritual flavor, because I was comparing some of the emotions and aspirations that I was experiencing as a newly conscious submissive to what I knew about similar expressions in the literature of Islamic mysticism. It’s sixteen long years later, although they really seemed to go by in the blink of an eye, and I still like everything I wrote in this. So I figure it’s time to get this one up on the web. Some of us intensely enjoy submitting our wills to that of another. As this is a rather peculiar enthusiasm, most of us (not to mention our Significant Orderers) have discovered or adopted an explanation for our deviant desires. When we try to be honest with ourselves, the reasons that we use to explain why we love to submit include, but probably are not limited to: “I want most of all to be taken care of and told what to do in detail, like a little child” “I crave the embarrassment and humiliation that comes with assuming a weaker role” “I manipulate rather than confront to get what I want. This passive-aggressive style is the psychological earmark of a submissive.” “I feel a marvelous relief when I can give up all responsibility for myself.” “I love to feel pain, because perversely, I want to re-live (and punish myself for) an abusive childhood.” Each of these reasons may partially explain the psyche of someone who is submissive, but I suspect that the popularity of such explanations in an age admirably searching for the deep neurotic truths lies in their ability to fit the fashionable social formula: the more unflattering or self-serving the motivation, the truer it must be. I want to tell an alternate tale of the reasons for submission, one that I fear–as a more positive admission–may not gel so easily in the psychologically correct mind. What I am going to talk about is something that cannot be easily admitted in an age intent upon beating itself over the head for its severe emotional defects. DO sick, neurotic motivations manage to account for the deeper, absolutely real thrill of submission? I don’t think so. Boasting or not, it’s time we submissives volunteered a deep dark secret: we’re in it for the dust. That is, the intoxicating scent of humility sniffed from the dust of the ground at our masters’ feet. Humility is not a popular term in a culture addicted to the rather morbid brand of narcissism mentioned earlier. Neither is self-effacement nor renunciation–both have, to modern ears, that sanctimonious overtone of negating everything worthwhile in life. And don’t mention sacrifice–if you dare to perform a self-sacrificial act in modern America, you are too obviously seeking admiration: a gilded plaque in the Hall of Saints and Martyrs! But despite their obvious unpopularity, these words–humility, self-effacement, renunciation, sacrifice-help to describe a state or experience that I–and, I believe, some others like me–have been looking for all of our lives. Ideas of sacrifice and denial send a chill up my spine: Being your slave, what should I do but tend Upon the hours and times of your desire? I have no precious time at all to spend, Nor services to do till you require. Nor dare I chide the world-without-end hour, Whilst I, my sovereign, watch the clock for you, Nor think the bitterness of absence sour, When you have bid your servant once adieu; Nor dare I question with my jealous thought Where you may be, or your affairs suppose, But, like a sad slave, stay and think of nought, Save, where you are how happy you make those: So true a fool is love, that in your will (Though you do anything) he thinks no ill. –Shakespeare Think of how it would be frowned upon if the modern person, even the modern slave, sat around like said sonnet-writer, doing nothing until her beloved walked into the door. As well-rounded healthy submissives, we know how to be constructive while the master is away. Shakespeare’s words, however, express a truth that few of us in our self-reliant worlds like to admit: that the greatest happiness we get in life comes from the company of one special other. A submissive approaches that happiness in a perfectly natural way: through attentive service and sacrifice. When allowed, she can lose herself in her master’s needs and will. And through “unselfing” herself, she enters paradise. No more nonsense! Lose yourself, and the hell of your heart becomes a heaven. –Sanai A common fear of novice submissives is that if they were to give themselves over completely to someone in absolute slavery, then their personalities would become submerged in the personality of their top and they–or an essential part of themselves–would shrivel up and die. I am convinced that this fear keeps many subs dog-paddling on the surface of submission, preferring the safety of superficiality to a dive into the depths of one’s soul. Superficial submission takes many forms and is expressed in varying levels: from an unwillingness to admit that one is submissive; to an insistence that D/s be kept in the bedroom, away from everyday life and decisions; to “allowing” one’s top beat you (physical masochism) but not humiliate you (emotional masochism) or vice-versa; to reserving the slightest area of one’s mind, the smallest thoughts to oneself as sacrosanct, an inner sanctum one’s owner is not allowed to enter. Do you know the feeling–that ecstatic feeling of “consuming yourself like burning chaff” in the service of another? Need I describe the joy I feel at being called in to bring my master his dinner or to rub his feet? You’d be doing me (and perhaps other submissives) a disservice if you were to ascribe this joy to the self-satisfaction associated with being an “obedient little slave,” or if you were simply to assume that I feel adoration in his presence. While both of those feelings are there, something else is at work as well. This something else has to do with performing acts of servitude, that, when combined with feelings of deference, humility, and self-renouncement, cause a delirious loss of one’s sense of oneself. A submissive can sometimes briefly forget herself in the service of her owner. There is something on the edge of sacred about that forgetfulness. Lower yourself in submission, and become the beloved of every dwelling. –Sanai Is the desire to sacrifice for another sick? The sublimation of a death wish? If so, then I have had the urge to suicide since about the age of five. I remember the happiness I felt, even at that age, at doing things for my parents or my sisters, especially when I thought I was _required_ to do these things. How disappointed I would be when the little task was over, the requirement completed. I wanted the serving to last forever; it touched a deep part of myself; being a slave was the best game I had ever played. I like to fantasize about what would happen if, at that young age, we could be sold or otherwise enslaved to someone kind and loving without being abruptly torn from our family or surroundings, or traumatized in any way. Despite disturbing questions that this raises about the ability to give consent, I think some of us would have taken to a youthful slavery like fish to water–and never looked back. I certainly knew–without the words–what I wanted back then. Then, for the next 25 years, I learned how to ignore and deny the one thing that would have made me truly happy. What a waste! How many other submissives feel the desire to be a fulltime slave, to immerse themselves _totally_ in selfless devoted service–NOT for the self-congratulatory “I’m so good” pat on the bottom, but for the utterly delightful twist-in-the-belly feeling of “I’m less, and isn’t that wonderful,” a deep feeling of the extremes in power, an intoxication with dust. Perhaps your acquaintance with self-serving grovelers at S&M gatherings has turned you from the thought that submission can be anything more than a mass of confusing, selfish desires and narcissistic compulsions, but I doubt that anyone with genuine submissive feelings has not felt some of what I am trying to describe. Dominants seem to find it easy to explain the good feelings they experience when, in all of their glorious power, they give a submissive something she wants. Why then will they sometimes deny that similar selfless urges to give (albeit expressed in a different language) can exist in their greedy little slaves? Shakespeare captures nicely this essence of submission: what hell in heaven it is to await the opportunity to serve one’s beloved: That God forbid, that made me first your slave, I should in thought control your times of pleasure, Or at your hand the account of hours to crave, Being your vassal, bound to stay your leisure! O, let me suffer (being at your beck) The imprison’d absence of your liberty, And patience, tame to sufferance, bide each cheek Without accusing you of injury. But where you list, your charter is so strong, That you yourself may privilege your time: Do what you will, to you it doth belong Yourself to pardon of self-doing crime. I am to wait, though waiting so be hell; Not blame your pleasure be it ill or well. The interior story of humility has been translated to words many times, but never so beautifully, I believe, as in the following Tale of the Sands. While written in a different context and for a different audience, The Tale of the Sands suggests that if you go farther into submission, deeper into helplessness before your master or mistress, that you will become more unique, more yourself, not less. “A stream, from its source in far-off mountains, passing through every kind and description of countryside, at last reached the desert. Just as it had crossed every other barrier, the stream tried to cross this one, but it found that as fast as it ran into the sand, its waters disappeared. “It was convinced, however, that its destiny was to cross this desert, and yet there was no way. Now a hidden voice, coming from the desert itself, whispered: ‘The wind crosses the desert, and so can the stream.’ “The stream objected that it was dashing itself against the sand, and only getting absorbed: that the wind could fly and this was why it could cross a desert. ” ‘By hurtling in your own accustomed way you cannot get across. You will either disappear or become a marsh. You must allow the wind to carry you over to your destination.” “But how could this happen? “ ‘By allowing yourself to be absorbed in the wind.’ “This idea was not acceptable to the stream. After all, it had never been absorbed before. It did not want to lose its individuality. And, once having lost it, how was one to know that it could be regained? “ ‘The wind,’ said the sand, ‘performs this function. It takes up water, carries it over the desert, and then lets it fall again. Falling as rain, the water again becomes a river.’ “ ‘How can I know that is true?’ “ ‘It is so, and if you do not believe it, you cannot become more than a quagmire, and even that could take many, many years; and it certainly is not the same as a stream.’ ” ‘But can I not remain the same stream that I am today?’ ” ‘You cannot in either case remain so,” the whisper said. “Your essential part is carried away and forms a stream again. You are called what you are even today because you do not know which part of you is the essential one.’ “When he heard this, certain echoes began to arise in the thoughts of the stream. Dimly, he remembered a state in which he–or some part of him, was it?–had been held in the arms of a wind. He also remembered–or did he?–that this was the real thing, not necessarily the obvious thing to do. “And the stream raised his vapor into the welcoming arms of the wind, which gently and easily bore it upwards and along, letting it fall softly as soon as they reached the roof of a mountain, many, many miles away. And because he had had his doubts, the stream was able to remember and record more strongly in his mind the details of the experience. He reflected, ‘Yes, now I have learned my true identity.’ “The stream was learning. But the sands whispered: ‘We know because we see it happen day after day: and because we, the sands, extend from the riverside all the way to the mountain.’ “And that is why it is said that the way in which Stream of Life is to continue on its journey is written in the Sands.” –The Sufis, Idries Shah The essence of submission is remarkably like that stream: it is fluid, yielding, flowing, flexible, capable of allowing itself to be dissolved and carried in another’s will without being damaged. But unless a submissive can learn trust enough to let go completely and be consumed, the fear of losing one’s self will keep her stuck in one spot, and, no matter how skillfully or gently limits are pushed, she will not budge from the desolate territory in which she is living her emotional stagnation. By “raising its vapors into the welcome arms of the wind” the stream both stares down its darkest fear and acquires a means to carry out its destiny. Likewise, humility can be the way that a submissive gets beyond the stagnant selfishness that fears annihilation, and in doing so, become fully absorbed in what one feels one was born to do: trusting, fearing, obeying, and attending to the needs of someone with absolute power over you. Consumed. When you feel submissive, don’t you want to be used, that is, to be observed, enjoyed, captured, plucked, engulfed, overwhelmed, ravished, devoured? Is not what you love most that feeling of helplessness and loss of control, the knowledge that you can do nothing, while your dominant can do anything to you? Both immensely satisfying and rather terrifying, humility, the act of smelling the fragrant dust, is an attitude of submission in which the exhilarating fact that someone has truly taken control of you and is steering your life is staring you directly in the face. And what can you do about it? From out of the streets of So-and-So, Oh wind, bring perfumes sweet to me For I am sick and pale with woe; Oh bring me rest from misery! The dust that lies before her door, Love’s long-desired elixir, pour Upon this wasted heart of mine– Bring me a promise and a sign! –Hafiz
- A slaves Daily Affirmation
I am a wonderful and loving slave. I have the strength to submit willfully, my submission is never a weakness to be exploited, and I choose to be a proud slave. My mind, body, and spirit are not mine, but willingly given to my Master. I know that I am an amazing gift to my Master and His most valuable possession, not because I submit but because I am His. I know that I am a beautiful and good woman and that I have a lot to offer the world. I love and accept myself just as I am, and I am thankful for my life. I will be true to my Master, I will trust, obey, love, and cherish Him as I know He loves Me. I am defined only by my Master and by myself, the opinions of others are irrelevant. This slave is feminine – strong, brave, and confident, yet soft, fluid, and sensual. I will relish in my submission and surrender to Him, in support of my true nature, even when faced with challenges. I ask for the wisdom to know His needs, to be an asset to Him, and for the serenity to serve Him graciously. I ask for the love to show Him my devotion wholeheartedly, and the tenderness and peace of mind to serve and to comfort Him selflessly. Allow me understanding for when His day has been bad, and patience for when mine has been. Let my eyes show Him the same respect, whether I sit at His side, or kneel at His feet. Let my daily service to Him show my Master how I honestly feel about Him. Let me learn to please Him, completely and fully. Grant me the ability to give myself to Him, willingly and with my whole self. Grant me the talent to please us both fully and permit me to love myself more for loving Him. It is my greatest wish, my highest honor, to make His life complete, as He makes mine, for He is my life, my love, my Owner.
- The Healthy Submissive
An Article by Yaldah Tovah, MD “Discipline gives total freedom; it allows you to go beyond your limitations, to break through boundaries and reach the highest goal. The path to discipline will not only save a person’s life, it will also give it meaning. How? By introducing him to deeper joys and deeper longings, by creating a silence in which the whisper of the heart can be heard. Truly, discipline is the road to liberation.”–Gurumayi Chidvilasananda In this discussion, I will be talking primarily about the female heterosexual submissive, because I don’t know enough about non-heterosexual female submissives and Dominants to know whether this analysis is completely applicable. This focus is not to suggest that lesbian female submissives and their challenges are less worthy of study, merely that I am not equipped at this time to do such a study. So often, women who are newly aware of their submissive needs endure a period of self doubt around the troubling question: am I sick? I’ve seen women read the psychiatric diagnostic manual (DSM-IV) and then ask, “do I have borderline personality disorder?” I am writing here not ONLY about the sexual aspects: “am I sick because I get turned on by images of being taken, used, forced, swept away by masculine energy more powerful than my own?”; I am also writing about the nonsexual aspects of being submissive: “am I sick because I yearn to depend on, and follow the lead of, a man stronger than myself?” I will attempt to address both aspects in this essay. What precisely fuels this kind of question, “am I sick?” Why would a woman discovering the language of her nature think she has a mental disorder? Or at the very least, have something very wrong with her? A submissive discovers, or more properly, realizes and acknowledges that she functions AT HER BEST in relation to another. And the more intimate, holding, containing that relationship, the better she feels and the better she performs in cardinal areas of adult life: work, friendships, and parenting. Realizing she is at her best in such relation makes her wonder why she can’t do it for herself? Why does she need such a relationship to accomplish what she should be able to do for herself? In thinking about this, I have come to question the cultural determinants of what is considered the highest good. Here in Western society, we place highest value on independence, on “pull yourself up by the bootstraps”, on the lone pioneer, the trailblazer, the less needy and more self sufficient. We value competition over cooperation, tangible achievement over achievement in relationship. We pay big bucks to men (and the few women) who run big corporations, and less to the nursery school teachers, the nurses, the secretaries, the social workers, the caregivers rather than the producers. There is something wrong with believing that such independence is the only good. It is especially wrong for the most relatedness-oriented among us, the submissive female. Part of the newly aware submissive’s task is to separate out the internalized voices of her culture: those voices that tell her she is too needy, too dependent, too focused on the others in her life. Once she can articulate what those voices tell her, she can begin to question not HERSELF, but the validity of those internalized values, using her own yardstick to measure her life, rather than our culture’s standard. We can see how perspective is critical in understanding a phenomenon. In a study of moral development in children, for example, Dr. Robert Coles, in a study of moral development in children, researched how children decide what is good and right. To do this, he presented several scenarios describing a moral or ethical dilemma, presented the scenario to school age children, and analyzed the results. The description of the study here is to illustrate the nature of cultural bias and it’s impact on individuals. One of Dr. Cole’s scenarios was as follows:A man has a very, very sick wife, so sick she could die if she doesn’t get a particular, very expensive medicine. The man doesn’t have the money for the medicine, so in desperation he steals it from a pharmacy. The children are asked questions about this scenario. Coles found that boys tended to conclude that the man should be punished, because the law is the law, and nobody should break the law. Coles saw this as a higher order of moral reasoning, reflecting the statement, “a nation of laws, not of men.” That is, that nobody is above the law, and the rule of law is not situationally defined. The boys applied an abstract universal principle to a singular instance. Coles understood this ability to transcend the personal as a “more evolved” form of moral development. The girls were deeply troubled by the scenario, and most of them sought ways to solve the man’s problem within the context of relatedness: they wondered if the man could ask the pharmacist for the medicine, and offer to work for him to pay for it, or pay him back later. They wondered if the man had friends who could help him pay for the medicine, and they believed he shouldn’t be punished for his act of desperation. Their sense of right was situational, and defined within the context of relatedness. They did not come to articulate an abstract universal principle, but sought to solve the problem within the context presented. Coles saw this as a less logical, lower order of moral development because the girls could not emotionally distance themselves from the central human drama in the scenario. After Coles’ work was published a woman named Carol Gilligan reviewed the studies that Cole had done and reanalyzed them, in a book called, “In a Different Voice” Rather than seeing the boys’ responses as evidence of “higher” development and the girls’ as “lower” she redefined them as different. And she pointed out that the girls responses, so firmly rooted in human context and relatedness were devalued by a society in which the typically masculine is of more cultural worth than the typically feminine. She asked, “why is it considered a ‘higher’ order of moral development to value universal principle over human context?” and in so doing highlighted the sexism inherent in the analysis. As we can see, this type of analysis is extremely useful in understanding typical submissive conflicts. We tend to ask the wrong questions: “am I bad, sick, weak?”, when we should be asking, “is there something missing from the yardstick I use to measure myself?” If one looks at capacity for relatedness as a strength, as a good, then it becomes clear that the submissive has a talent for this, for relatedness. And that seeking a partner who can meet her need for this relatedness is a good thing, a healthy thing. If we begin our analysis without the cultural assumptions about what is of “higher” value, we can begin to understand that it is possible for a woman to be submissive, and to be healthy. And we can try to imagine what a healthy submissive functions like, and how she developed her adult personality. Let’s start backwards, and ask ourselves, what might a healthy adult submissive woman “look” like, psychologically speaking: 1. The healthy submissive is capable of, and thrives on, intense, intimate, emotionally open relationships. This is often evident in the number of nourishing, sustaining, and life affirming friendships she makes over the years. 2. The healthy submissive is a giver. She often needs help to ration herself because her impulses nearly always lead her to want to do good for others. 3. The healthy submissive is capable of intense joy, especially in the context of a sustaining relationship. 4. The healthy submissive finds significant relaxation when properly related. She is at ease in that place. 5. The healthy submissive has finely tuned interpersonal sensitivity. She is reactive to subtle shifts in the emotional tone of others. 6. The healthy submissive has a fluidity of self, a flexibility that enables her to adapt to changing circumstances. 7. The healthy submissive is playful. 8. The healthy submissive has no more than the usual cultural conflicts about her body, and its goodness and beauty. 9. The healthy submissive takes pride in her accomplishments. 10. The healthy submissive accepts herself as she is, knowing that while her culture values independence and self sufficiency, she has strong dependency needs and that there is no inherent “wrongness” about those needs. 11. The healthy submissive seeks nourishing relationships. 12. The healthy submissive, in accepting herself “as is” is tolerant of others. But neither will she allow anyone to tell her what her truth should be. 13. The healthy submissive has a reasonable self concept, aware of her difficulties as well as her strengths. 14. The healthy submissive hunger is to be the object of an intense and penetrating understanding. When her nature is understood and she is held in a loving and firm frame, her devotion is almost limitless. The healthy submissive has an enormous capacity for devotion, from which springs her service. What makes a woman a submissive? As with all conjectures about human development, the answer is likely two-fold: a combination of nature and nurture, biology and environment. There is a whole body of literature that makes observations about temperament. This literature talks about the variations in behavior in infancy as a manifestation of temperament: the expression of regularity, responsiveness, and reactivity. In the area of regularity, some infants are regular and predictable from the get-go: they sleep regularly, wake at predictable intervals to nurse, and have predictable periods of alertness in which they begin the earliest socialization. Some infants are irregular: they will one day sleep for an 8 hour stretch, then be awake all night, the next day they will sleep for one hour intervals through a 24 hour period. In the area of responsiveness, some infants will find novelty and intense stimulation aversive, and will withdraw or become irritable when presented with those; some infants are stimulated to engage and explore novelty and intense stimulation. Some infants have high thresholds for sensation, requiring a relatively intense stimulus to become aversive, some have low thresholds, and respond to mild stimulation. Some infants will for example, be intensely distressed by a wet diaper; some will not register discomfort until diaper rash sets in. The sum total of these innate, biologically founded responses make up temperment. It is easy to see what people mean by an “easy” baby: one who sleeps, eats, and eliminates regularly and predictably; one who has a moderate response to stimulation, neither withdrawing nor reacting intensely; one who is drawn easily into social exchanges, and provides pleasurable reinforcement of socialization with their caregivers, one who is easily “read” and easily comforted, one who accepts change without undue distress. I think one of the traits in this biologically grounded array that makes up temperament is common to all submissives. And that is social responsiveness. I would suggest that the baby who is temperamentally “set” to register and respond selectively and sensitively to social cues has the seeds of submissiveness in her nature. This is the baby that will search the environment for a human face; who will be attuned to, and very responsive to the human voice; who will preferentially and selectively attend to, and process, human interaction. This baby, as she grows into childhood, will be easy to control, to shape, especially if she is temperamentally on the “easy” side. This little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to criticism and correction, to disapproval, to praise. Rather than requiring a raised voice to correct, a raised eyebrow will often do. Even further, this little girl will be exquisitely sensitive to nuance: she will know when others are angry, hurt, sad, bewildered even when they are not spoken about. She has a “sixth sense” about people. As children do, she requires the adults in her life to validate her perceptions when appropriate. Let’s say her parents are troubled by a financial stress, and like good, responsible parents seek to shield her from their stress. The child will pick up on the unspoken tension, sensitive as she is to subtleties of body language, voice pitch, facial expression. She might inquire of her parents what is wrong, and be told “nothing is wrong, honey… go and play.” This leaves the child confused: she knows in that way that she knows, that something is wrong. But her perceptions are not validated. She is told nothing is wrong. But her parents, who are not at their best, may be a little short with her, and picking THAT up too, she goes off to play concluding that she must have done something wrong, to be sent away. Part of this is the megalomania of childhood, part of this is a reasonable and logical synthesis of resolving the child’s felt sense of things with what she is told. This kind of interaction, repeated over the years, in the BEST and most loving of families, leads to an adult personality in which there is some anxiety associated with relatedness. The submissive female learns to scan the social environment for signs of trouble, seeks to “fix” the trouble, and all too often, believes herself to be the cause of the trouble. If someone important is tired, the submissive has exhausted them. If someone important is angry, the submissive must have angered them. If someone important is disappointed, the submissive must have failed them. This trait, this interpersonal sensitivity in its highest expression is when the submissive accurately registers interpersonal nuance, and responds to it with a minimum of self-referral, recognizing that other’s emotional states may have nothing to do with the submissive herself. This is how it works for the healthy submissive, who as an adult, often finds great fulfillment working in fields such as social work, nursing, medicine, counseling, teaching. There are certain vulnerabilities a child constituted with a submissive nature faces. Because of her intense awareness of interpersonal nuance, she is highly sensitive to both criticism and praise. When criticized, she is likely to feel intense shame; when praised, intense pleasure. Since the shame feels so bad, and the praise so pleasurable, she becomes a people-pleaser. This tends to lead to the development of what psychologists call “an external locus of control.” Meaning that child bases her self assessment (am I good or bad?) on factors outside herself. The female submissive defines herself based on what others tell her she is. Parents have enormous responsibility with such an influenceable child. Nascent talents can either be nurtured or aborted with just a word. This child will likely live up, or down to, whatever is expected of her. Expect more than she can constitutionally do (like academic, athletic, or social success) and she will develop an intense sense of inferiority. Praise her out of proportion to her talents (this is the BEST drawing any child EVER did) and she will develop an inflated sense of self. Accurately and sensitively validate her real abilities and talents, and she will seek goals appropriate to her ability, and take pleasure in achieving them. When the environment is reality based, sensitive, and balanced, the child grows up embracing her special ability to be “related” to others, to be sensitive, and has a sense of self in reasonable tune with her true abilities and vulnerabilities, neither excessively self effacing or self aggrandizing. But if development should go awry, as it too often does for this child, the personality traits she has develop in a distorted manner, and cause her difficulties. In dysfunctional families, this child suffers more than others with tougher hides, less reactive temperaments. She is often the one singled out for physical, sexual or emotional abuse. Her very nature makes her available for use: for the parent’s angers, frustrations, sexual impulses, or narcissistic gratification. When a submissive child is misused in this fashion, she is unable to utilize her interpersonal talents in a constructive way. She must either develop rigid defenses that constrain her ability to be flexible as an adult, or be blown about by the winds of other’s emotions all her life, or become stuck in what are popularly called, “co-dependent relationships.” Women who emerge from childhood with these traits will be more or less consciously submissive in that they are STILL moldable, controllable by others. Those who don’t consciously seek a Dominant partner will naturally gravitate to a man who influences, controls her in a benevolent manner. Who accepts her, loves her, nurtures her, and values her sensitivity. Those who consciously seek a Dominant partner are those who are perhaps, so sensitive that they require not only benevolence, but someone who understands PRECISELY how moldable and influenceable they are, and is capable of using the power to mold her and influence her deliberately and consciously, for her good and the good of the relationship. In that kind of relationship, the submissive is freed to be all of herself. She is safe enough to feel her exquisitely sensitive reactions to others, to play like a child, to give care and to take care, to be angry, to lose shame. There is a strength beyond measure in self knowledge and acceptance. There is freedom in jettisoning shame, in letting go of “shoulds.” To know oneself as a submissive woman, to accept that it is neither the terrible thing that society tells us it is, nor the only right and true way to be for OTHERS, is to be free. What is, is. There are two kinds of strengths: the strength to lead, and the strength to follow; the strength to control, and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another’s soul bare, and the power to stand naked. Do not mistake following for weakness, for it is not. Do not mistake yielding for weakness, for in yielding there is resilience. Do not mistake…
- The Traits of a Real Dominant
The BDSM social media world seems to be inundated with hyper-masculine, fake-ass Alpha-male types, who act like douches, run around like players, treat women like crap and call themselves Dominants. But are they? So often the behavior that I see online, and in real life, isn’t that of a Dominant but of a douche. Men who use physical strength to forcefully overpower when they lack the mental strength to truly dominate. These men are just bullies, taking advantage of vulnerable submissives, using and degrading women for their own pleasure. Rather than caring and protecting their submissive, they are abusing them. They are not real Dominants. Obviously there is a lot of variation, of personality and differences in D/s dynamics, between individual Dominants. But all real Dominants have a number of traits in common and it is these traits that I want to consider in this article. Consider this a guide for anyone walking a Dominate path or maybe thinking that is where they are meant to be but trying to discover their place in the BDSM world. Furthermore, every submissive should know what constitutes a real Dominant, not just someone playing dress-up, or faking their way through our world. I believe that every real Dominant will display all of these traits, to some degree. We are not, of course, identical copies of one another, none of us will share these traits in the same way, but we all have them and they aren’t something we need to dig deep to find. Every Dominant will have these traits as clear aspects of their personality, of their daily lives, in their interactions with everyone around them (not just with their subs), in their work and social lives, in public and private, and they will have a long and demonstrable history of these traits. The Dominant has self-control Self-control is probably the preeminent trait that every good Dominant will exhibit. Consider the lifestyle, the D/s or M/s relationship is centered around the idea of control, the submissive willingly giving it up and the Dominant gladly assuming it. But how can any Dominant even begin to control His submissive if He can’t control His own life. A real Dominant is in control of His actions, of His emotions, of His wants and desires. A real Dominant does not need to threaten, to scream and yell, to get His point across, to control a sub. A real Dominant is not needy, whiny, desperate for their place, they know who they are and are in control at all times. We often think of being a Dominant as being in control of someone else. The images we enjoy of subs being tied up, in bondage, of doing whatever we want, all Dominants love this, but it isn’t what being a Dominant is, it’s a side effect. Being in control of oneself is where all external control originates from and it means denying ourselves as often as allowing ourselves to enjoy. We can pretty much all exercise some degree of self-control, its an essential aspect of our ability to interact with others in daily life. But the ability to exercise regular control, over extended periods of time, is a whole other thing. Particularly in lifestyle BDSM where control between a D/s relationship is 24/7, the Dominant has to be able to control Himself and His sub without breaking himself or His sub. Finally, self-control exhibits itself as patience. The patient Dominant can spend exorbitant amounts of time pleasing another without being overwhelmed with His own desire. The patient Dominant will not rush a sub or potential sub into anything they aren’t ready for. The patient Dominant will never rush a scene or an important decision. The patient and in control Dominate will not rush to judgements or punishments concerning mistakes their sub makes. If a man claiming to be a Dominant lacks self-control, self-discipline, they are not a real Dominant. It should reflect in their daily lives, in everything from their appearance to their lifestyle, from their job to the home, from their relationships with friends and family to how they deal with strangers. The Dominant recognizes your gift of submission When a woman submits to a Dominant it is a Gift of surrender. True submission can never be taken and there is no more special thing that can occur between two people. True submission in a woman is not something she does but rather it is who she is to her core, it is a gift of herself as a whole being. It is the submissive demonstrating her complete faith and trust that the Dominant will exercise control over her in a loving and caring manner, that He will not abuse the privilege of her submission, and while He will certainly derive great pleasure from her body and mind, she knows that ultimately everything He does is to her benefit. Many years ago I read something to the effect that submission is not a flower that should be plucked out of the the ground and put on public display, rather it is a rose (or sunflower for my /s) that needs to be watered, carefully pruned, and above all loved in the full light of the sun to bloom and display the fullness of its beauty. A gift is something given with no expectation of return. When we give a birthday gift to a child, we don’t expect the child to reciprocate, we give because of the joy it brings us to see how happy they are in receiving the gift (and playing with it). The submissive gifts herself in the same way. But the Dominant is not a child. He recognizes the gift she has given and while He revels in it, He knows that the submissive needs everything He is and everything He can give to her. Dominance is not a gift to her as some inexperienced or role-playing Doms tend to think. Real Dominance is a responsibility, a receiving of gift freely given but never taken advantage of, ultimately resulting in an equal exchange of power. The Dominant earns respect Respect is earned never given. Basic respect is often automatic around certain people, you meet someone and something about them causes you to instantly respect them – at least initially. But keeping that respect comes from the way a person treats others, how they act in any social settings, how they behave in private, even how they treat themselves. A Dominant earns respect because He is always honorable, always keeps His word,. Your respect for a true Dominant will always increase as you spend more time with or around Him. A real Dominant isn’t going around demanding respect, like a petty Eric Cartman in an episode of South Park. They will continually earn your respect, just as you will earn theirs. And should a sub ever find that respect for their Dominant slipping she needs to take a quick step back and reassess their situation. Some of the ways that any real Dominant will earn respect include: never bullying or forcing a submissive, always respecting boundaries and limits, not going off on a tirade over every perceived breach of respect, being true to their word (even in the little stuff), He doesn’t assume anything about her. Outside of the individual D/s relationship, a Dominant earns respect within the community in much the same way. They don’t pop up on the scene and begin instantly demanding respect, they spend the time and are willing to learn from those who have been around for longer, they are willing to share their ideas but without the assumption that they are right, and most importantly they understand that their way is not the only way (and might not even be the right way). The Dominant is intelligent One of the first red flags that I always notice in so-called Dominants is an unwillingness to learn and acquire knowledge. When I hear that a new or potential Dominant is unwilling to read about the BDSM lifestyle, is unwilling to study techniques, safety, lifestyle issues, etc., when I hear that a Dominant is unwilling to learn, it is always an instant and very serious warning that this is not a real Dominant but someone topping or just playing a role. Being a Dominant requires a great deal of knowledge and the unwillingness to learn means one doesn’t care about their partner. Even if you don’t like to read, or your lifestyle makes taking dedicated time out to research difficult, or you struggle with mental blocks that make it difficult to concentrate long enough to learn, the real Dominant will make themselves find a way (see self-control above). The Dominant must know what toys are, how to use them, and how not to use them. He must know how to take care of His equipment and how to keep it clean and safe – even within fluid-bonded or established relationships. He must know how to handle emergencies, how to be safe, how to push limits without crossing boundaries, how to plan a scene (and when to stop it even if the sub doesn’t safeword). He must know how to effectively correct behavior and how to punish. How to provide proper aftercare and when a sub requires different types of aftercare. The list of things a good Dominant has to know is long and the learning never really ends. Beyond that though, there is a certain intelligence that all experienced, quality Doms exhibit. Think of it as emotional intelligence, that ability to read and understand other people outside of the realm of verbal communication. They understand, recognize and respond to the sub’s body language and emotional cues. The Dominant is honest While the idea of honesty goes along with that of respect, it is important enough to demand its own listing as an essential trait of the real Dominant. The Dominant is a man of His word. He says what He means and means what He says. He does His utmost to always be live up to any promises and works hard to correct those times he fails to. The real Dominant is a man that any sub feels she can trust because she knows He will be truthful with her. Consider that any D/s relationship is built on trust, the submissive will never truly submit until she trusts her Dominant, and no one trusts a man who is not honest. This applies just as much outside the D/s relationship as well. Honesty is something that can’t be picked and chosen, either you are an honest person or you are not. Do your coworkers, family, friends trust your word? Or do you have a history of letting people down and not doing what you say you will? If a sub is trying to vet a potential Dominant, particularly when there is the potential for an intimate relationship, or a live-in relationship, it is not unwise to reach out to the people who know the potential Dom and see what their opinion is of the person. Any good Dominant will be surrounded by people who have a high image of Him (even if they don’t know about His BDSM lifestyle. The Dominant is compassionate, courteous and humble I tend to think of these three traits, of being compassionate, of being courteous and of being humble, as linked together as I have never met a human being who had one and lacked the others. Humility is the willingness to admit when we are wrong, that we do not know it all. Humility is indicative of a person who knows themself and their current limits and is accepting of them, It means they feel self-worth. It also means that they know and acknowledge that they are not infallible or omnipotent – the humble person is not suffering a god-complex, something that is so common in fake Dominants. Courtesy reflects a humble person. Courtesy is a willingness to treat everyone with grace and kindness. It is a recognition that we are all human beings, that subs as well as dominants deserve equal care and equal compassion. It is a recognition that being Dominant does not mean being better than someone else and especially not your submissive. The Dominant will always be courteous to His submissive, to other subs, He never treats submissives as doormats. Courtesy does not mean, however, letting other people walk over Him, He is a Dominant after all. Compassion reflects a degree of empathy that indicates you care about others, even if you can’t do anything to help, you recognize need. It often displays in how we are courteous to others and stems from our humility and recognition that we are not better and that, ‘there but for the grace of god go I’. The Dominant recognizes the needs of His submissive and tries His best to respond as she needs Him to. The Dominant is communicative It is hard to decide if this trait or that of self-control is the most important trait of a Dominant, but the ability to communicate well is vital to being a good Dominant. We have to be able to listen to our sub, we have to be able to be open to hearing things we may not want or like to hear, we have to listen to hear our subs needs, wants, desires. We have to listen to hear her fears, her weaknesses, her boundaries, and limits. We have to open and always keep open, the lines of communication between the Dominant and the submissive. And we have to recognize that good communication is more that just sitting down and forcing a conversation. It means always being willing to talk and to listen. It means looking for alternatives when verbal communication breaks down or isn’t enough. Communication is really the cornerstone of any good relationship, in the vanilla world or in our own BDSM world. No relationship will last, will grow, will be truly all it can be, without good communication. The skills to be a successful communicator can be learned by any Dominant but it takes practice to really get good at it. Don’t wait, don’t wait until a relationship starts to breakdown, until after the sub begins to pull away. Begin working on developing a very high level of communication at the start of any relationship and it will always pay off. I may write further on each individual trait at later dates, but for now let me just leave you with this. When I first began really researching and trying to grow as a Dominant many years ago I ran across this from an unknown author and have kept it as a personal reminder for many years: Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all. A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another. A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character. In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals. A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality. A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure. To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust. A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth. A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction. A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honor. A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon. When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher. A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student. Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand. A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs. A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow. A Dominant never has to demand ritual behavior from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment. A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them. A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow. A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love. A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold. Anonymous Author
- The submissive journal
Keeping a journal is one of the most essential, often overlooked, and useful tools that the submissive has at her disposal. While keeping a journal can be a good way to write down your memories, to help you remember events or ideas, It’s real power comes in that it is actually an evolving blueprint that helps people become better at what they do. Interestingly, there is a fair bit of sound scientific research behind the benefits of journaling from universities as prestigious as Harvard, Stanford and Cambridge as well as a number of the leading psychological journals. Studies have found that the benefits of regular journaling include increases in performance, improvements in psychological and physical health, clearer thinking and communication, decreases in emotional stress, improved sleep, and much more. To this end I consider the submissive journal to be a vital part of the submissives life and training and I require it of my subs. The journal, as I teach it, is a combination of things: it is a diary, a safe place to vent, a way to track punishments and corrections, a way to track rules, and a way to write about fantasies and ideas. I would prefer a sub to journal on a daily basis, but it often just isn’t practical. As a bare minimum however, I do expect 2-3 entries per week. The first and most important thing that we need to consider is that the journal must be a safe space for the submissive. This means that she has to be able to write anything without fear of reprisal or punishment. If she needs to vent, she has to be able to and feel safe about it. The submissive has to be able to write openly and honestly in order for the journal to be of any benefit. As her Dominant, I am 100% not allowed to be upset about what she writes in her journal, I cannot punish or hold her accountable for her thoughts and ideas that she writes down. If, as her Dominant, you cannot do this, than stay out of her journal. Furthermore, never write in her journal, it’s hers. Now, I do believe that as her Dominant I have a right and responsibility to look at her journal on a regular basis. First, I must insure that she is writing as she is supposed to. Second, I want to work through any issues that come up and she is writing about. Particularly, I am concerned about any issues that she might see in my role as Dominant that I need to rectify in myself. But any other issues or concerns that she writes about I want to address and help her with. One really good idea that I took from the Dom Sub Living webpage is to not address issues with the submissive straight out of her journal. Rather, talk about your concerns indirectly as this further reinforces the idea that the journal is a safe space. So, now that we’ve covered a bit of introduction, how does the submissive get started? First, the submissive needs to find out what format her Dominant wishes her to use. Journals can be online, they can be in apps, office documents or on paper. Personally, I prefer the use of paper journals. I think the act of physically writing is more personal and I can often see my subs emotions reflected in her handwriting. Also, I really enjoy having her kneel and hand me the journal with both hands when I ask her to present it to me. I also consider it my responsibility as the Dominant to provide my submissive her journals to write in. The second thing the submissive needs to do is talk to her Dominant and determine exactly what He wants to have her include. The list may really vary as each Dominant is different. Some may be very lenient and allow the submissive completely free reign. Others, like myself are more structured. All entries must be dated and multiple entries in a day should include the time as well. My list of requirements includes: Rules. The submissive is to write down in a journal every rule she is required to follow, highlight the rule so they are easy to find as she looks through the book. They may also be kept in a separate part of the journal at the submissives discretion. Every time she takes on a new rule, she will write down the rule to help her remember it. I expect her to write about any problems she has with the rules, any ways that she can take on the rule to make it more personal to her, her thoughts and reflections on the rule, why the rule is good for her, and so on. In addition, if she has ideas for rules that she wishes her Dominant to enact, she is to record them and her ideas about the rule and present it to her Dominant. Punishments and corrections. The submissive will write in her journal every time she is punished or corrected about her actions or breaking a rule. She will write down what she did wrong, what the punishment was, what she can do to correct her behavior, and her thoughts on the issue. Did she agree or disagree with the punishment or correction? Did she think she did something wrong to begin with? Did she forget or not understand a rule? Was the punishment fair? And so on. Scene Reflections. Every time the submissive has a formal BDSM scene with her Dominant, she is to write a review of the scene afterwords. She is to write about what she liked and did not like. Did she have any issues, concerns, scares (even if she did not safeword)? Was there anything that she like or wanted more of? What could be done to make the same scene better in the future. Safewords. Anytime, without exception, that the submissive has to use a safeword (yellow or red) she must write about what happened. Was a hard limit or boundary crossed? Did the Dominant do something that was not agreed on? Did the Dominant make a mistake, cause injury, etc.? Was there a physical health issue or mental fear that crept up? It’s very important to write this one out and determine exactly what happened so that the Dominant can work on this in the future (even though it should have been talked out immediately, writing sometimes helps to bring out more information). Submissive reflections. At least one entry per week is to be a personal or ‘reflective’ type of entry where the submissive writes about her role as a submissive, her thoughts, her fears or concerns. What she likes, does not like, what she wants going forward, things she wants to improve in herself, things she thinks the Dominant could improve, anything along those lines. BDSM Fantasies. The submissive will write down any fantasies or ideas she has for future BDSM scenes, for any sexual fantasies she would like to consider, for any new things she wants to try or changes to her hard limits or boundaries. Anything else. The submissive should feel free to write anything else as she wishes. This is where we push the journal beyond the D/s relationship and the submissive should write about issues outside of her relationship with her Dominant. She can write about work, her friends and family, things she wants to do or dreams about, her career or educational aspirations, maybe write about a book she particularly enjoyed (or didn’t) and so on. Anything that she wants or feels the need to write about is fair game. As she writes, I will occasionally review her journal. I want to see that she is writing as she is supposed to. I want to keep an eye out for any issues that I might need to address as her Dominant (especially to see if she notices me doing anything that I can improve on). I generally only look at her journal every couple of weeks, though I know where she keeps it at all times and will peruse as I see fit. When I ask her to present it to me, she does so on her knees, handing me the book, and stays on her knees, often with her head resting on my lap while I read it. I really encourage all Dominants to require their submissives to keep some form of journal. It really is a very useful tool and can be a great way to improve a submissive’s training.
- The Vicissitudes of Submissive Development
An Article by Yaldah Tovah, MD In an earlier paper, I highlighted the developmental line that produces a healthy adult heterosexual submissive female (here). I highlighted the role of temperament and environment and how they interact to influence the personality development of girls destined to have a submissive orientation in adulthood. In doing so, I alluded to problems in development that can occur, and in this paper, will expand on those. There is a concept in the literature of temperament called “goodness of fit.” This refers to the interactions between a child and her family of origin. When a child’s temperament is found to be “good” by her family, and her developmental challenges are handled sensitively and well, development proceeds more smoothly than not. A novelty-seeking, sensation-seeking, socially expressive, high energy child will be seen as “good” in a family of high-energy, adventurous people. The same child in a low energy, novelty-avoiding, socially limited family will stick out like a sore thumb and irritate her parents and overwhelm them with her energy. Similarly, a child who has an aversion to novelty, is slow to warm up, and takes little intensity of stimulation to react to will be “out of sync” in a family of high energy, novelty seeking extroverts. No matter how well meaning they may be, they won’t “feel with” their very different child. They won’t emotionally understand what the world is like for her, and why she has so much trouble with things the rest of the family finds easy and satisfying. There is a poor temperamental “fit”. It isn’t so much what the temperamental characteristics are, it’s the goodness of fit between parent and child. A similarly constituted child may fare VERY differently in two different environments, one more and one less well suited for her particular way of being. This isn’t to say that poorness of fit dooms the child to spend her adult life on some psychoanalyst’s couch, but it does mean that the parent has to work that much harder to stay in empathic touch with his or her poorly fit child. And that during times of stress, their capacity to do so will be sorely strained. In a situation of poorness of fit, with enough environmental stresses such as divorce, financial stress, or illness, it is inevitable that the child will suffer. Let’s imagine then a child with the essential temperamental trait of social responsiveness, that common trait in all submissives. That child that picks up subtle tensions, is vulnerable to criticism and praise, and develops a “people-pleasing” nature. If such a child has OTHER temperamental traits that create a poor fit between her and her parents, she is going to be mightily affected by a sense of “wrongness”, guilt, shame, and anger, because no matter how hard she tries, she can’t be what is “easy” for her parents, and she is exquisitely aware of being difficult for them. Or if a marginal or even good fit between parent and child is strained by unpredictable and overwhelming trauma which renders the parent less than fully available to the child, the child will still be mightily affected. She will still come to experience those painful emotional states of being wrong, bad, unacceptable, because she is so attuned to parental distress, and so likely to squash her anxieties and angers in order to “not make trouble”. What happens then, because such a child is still a child, her attempts to take care of, to cure, her parents will inevitably shortchange her development. Something very common in the backgrounds of submissive women is a history of having, or feeling, overwhelmingly responsible for herself, and her significant others. You can see where that arises: in the child so attuned to the emotional states of others, a child who temperamentally is a people-pleaser, a child who too easily is used inappropriately because she does try so hard to be good, such a child feels the burden of responsibility for making others better. You have a situation in which a child has no “psychological skin” so to speak; who reacts intensely to the emotions of others, and internalizes the difficulties she experiences with others. Because she is so sensitive to interpersonal nuance, and is so often not validated by her environment, nor taught how to manage her emotions, she develops real problems adapting. Whereas an adequate, relatively stable early environment in a family with “goodness of fit” will likely give rise to the healthy adult submissive, an inadequate, unstable early environment with “poor fit” will give rise to a more or less troubled adult. It is my opinion that this last group tends to be troubled by the spectrum of personality disorders in the cluster defined as borderline, narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder. Now, not every woman who has borderline, narcissistic or histrionic personality disorder is also a submissive; this is a critical point. I believe that some submissives do exhibit the life problems that lead to being diagnosed with those disorders. But I believe there are two separate populations, and two developmental lines to account for it. IF a child with the temperamental axis involving intense, selective attention to social interaction is faced with an upbringing in an EXTREMELY poorly fit environment, with parents so far different in temperament, that they almost cannot empathize at all with their child’s inner experience, THAT child is vulnerable to developing submissively, that is, with a core trait of being exquisitely sensitive to the moods of others, AND a personality disorder. The latter developing because of the repeated failure to actually be able to please her parents with her “essential self”. She grows to feel herself nasty, bad, destructive, unloved, and each misunderstanding damages her more and more. She feels intense rage at her psychological mistreatment, and intense shame at feeling the rage, and black despair of ever being good enough. If a child without the temperament with the core submissive traits is born into such an extreme mismatch of temperament with her parents, she will still have to deal psychologically and developmentally with the experience of not being empathically understood, of not fitting in with her family, and so on. But because her nature, unlike the submissive, is NOT so vulnerable to the interpersonal nuance, she is less likely to wind up quite as damaged. She may well have a personality disorder, but it often takes more than just poorness of fit to damage her that much. It may take outright abuse, and a host of other environmental factors other than poor temperamental fit. I am saying here, that the submissive child is more vulnerable to damage by poorness of fit by virtue of her interpersonal sensitivity and need to please, as well as more vulnerable to trauma. Please remember, this is a model, a construct to account for observations. It will be more or less useful, and more or less “valid” the more accurately it can be used predictively. Only time and actual studies can do this “scientifically”; for now, I am interested in less rigidly constructed tests of validity. So we can see that there are three major variables interacting to account for adult outcome. The center of the interactions are with the child’s temperament and the goodness of fit with her parents. That interaction constitutes the most central and most highly determining of outcome. The third variable is the impact of trauma on the child: sexual, physical, emotional abuse, loss of significant others through death or divorce, severe socio-economic strains on the family, illness in self or others, and such other often unpredictable severe stressors. I am postulating the following three developmental lines: I. The Healthy Submissive: is born with the central developmental trait of social responsiveness leading to sensitivity to others’ expectation, needs, and emotions, and ultimately to becoming an adult people pleaser with an external locus of control. Her sexuality follows along these lines, and she has her most intense pleasure when in sexual service, even if, and often especially when, she suffers in service. She is relatively unconflicted about both her dependency needs and her sexuality, and is happiest in a consciously D/s based relationship. 2. The Submissive with a Severe Personality disturbance: This child is born also with the central developmental trait of social responsiveness leading to sensitivity to others’ expectations, needs and emotions. However, due to either extreme poorness of temperamental fit, or extreme environmental trauma, her development goes seriously awry. She suffers such intense neglect, misunderstanding, devaluation by her parents, and often horrendous abuse that she develops severe disturbances in self-regulation. She exhibits the typical problems associated with such disturbance: a lack of trust in her own perceptions; misperceptions of others (detecting slights and attributing malfeasance to normal, everyday empathic failures); inability to modulate affect (emotion), ranging from intense overwhelming emotional states such as panic, rage, sadness to depression; inhibited grief, with many periods of emotional shutdown; cycles of alternately overvaluing significant others and then devaluing them (often manifested by the numerous hirings and firings of many many therapists during those cycles); and finally, a tendency to act out the rage and despair in self-harm: alcohol and drug misuse, promiscuity, eating disorders, self-cutting, burning, head-banging and other such acts. What distinguishes the submissive borderline from the nonsubmissive borderline is that IF HER PATHOLOGY IS NOT SO DAMAGING AS TO PRECLUDE LONGTERM RELATIONSHIPS AT ALL, SHE CAN BE HELD BY A DOMINANT MAN LONG ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH THE PROBLEMATIC ASPECTS OF HER DEVELOPMENT AND FUNCTIONING. A non-submissive borderline is no more likely to be held by a Dominant than any other woman with a personality disturbance. The submissive borderline, in the hold of an extremely strong and healing Dominant, along with the judicious use of therapy, and perhaps medication, can do a great deal of healing work. The path is never easy, and carries risks: the risk of self-harm getting mortal; the risk of suicide when the woman feels her life will never get better, or is overwhelmed with grief and rage; the risk that in anger or rage she will turn her destructive impulses on her helpers and destroy the helping frame. While the submissive borderline has the characteristic underlying sexuality of the submissive, it is distorted by her interpersonal difficulties. She may be conflicted, shamed, guilt-ridden, and find herself acting out her conflicting needs in sexual promiscuity, sexual avoidance, or repetitive abusive relationships that repeat her earlier traumatic histories. But underneath all that, and coloring all those difficulties, is a submissive sexuality. Often, this is the woman for whom self-harm (cutting, scratching, burning self) has an element of eroticism; is a distortion of the healthy submissive’s pleasurable response to sexual sacrifice, sexual suffering. This kind of self harm, rather than being the joyous, intimate act of a healthy submissive in a good relationship, is a distortion of that healthy impulse. 3. The NonSubmissive Borderline: This is a child whose temperamental mix does not have the prominent interpersonal sensitivity that the submissive child does. This child instead has experienced the traumas that typically result in the features of severe personality disorder and phenomenologically may look indistinguishable from the submissive borderline EXCEPT THAT SHE DOES NOT RESPOND TO DOMINANCE IN THE WAY A SUBMISSIVE BORDERLINE DOES. I think that while a submissive borderline may suffer more intensely from interpersonal contacts, her very relatedness, distorted though it may be, is a good prognostic indicator, because she will be so influenceable. The nonsubmissive borderline does not have that same influenceability: therapy with her will be and feel different because she is less permeable to healing influences. This woman’s sexuality is NOT characterized by the central images of pleasure through being used, disciplined, forced, swept away in the way a submissive’s is. Her sexuality is not “fixed” in that way, is far more fluid and influenced by the rest of her personality, which as we have said, is not submissive. [Eds. Note: I talked over the ideas above with Yaldah Tovah after having realized that it confused some people. The kind of submissive experience that Yahdah Tovah refers to here is primarily that of submissive girls who undergo massive aversive treatment as children and youths and then spend the better part of a lifetime developing highly neurotic and self-destructive responses to those events. She does not mean here to refer to submissives for whom the most important aversive events come much later in life.] The reason I think these distinctions are useful is because when a troubled submissive woman reports to her therapists the nature of her submissiveness, she is likely to encounter an uninformed therapeutic stance: that her submissiveness is just another manifestation of pathology: of disturbed interpersonal relations. The therapist does not know how to use the woman’s submissiveness in a therapeutic way, because s/he doesn’t understand what an ally in the healing process the submissive response is. Nor is it understood that a GOOD outcome is enough healing to allow the submissive to express her nature and sexuality in a healthy manner, like that of her more fortunate sisters who didn’t face such difficulties in development. In other words, she doesn’t need to be cured of her submissiveness, just her “borderline” pathology. She needs to be helped to become a healthier submissive.
- Submissive and slave: Etymology and Usage of the Terms in Lifestyle BDSM
The battle over the terms submissive and slave is an ongoing and never-ending one in the BDSM space; it gets even worse when people from the vanilla world attempt to get involved and subject us to their interpretations and biases. I am not going to offer a definitive answer, nor am I capable of doing so, and even if I were, pretty much no one would accept it – and that is okay. The BDSM community is a very individualistic, very libertarian, space, and I for one have no desire to force my views on anyone else. But, I do have an opinion on the subject, I do have my own ways of using the terms submissive and slave, and I would like to share that here. The word submissive has it’s roots in the late 1500’s most likely. It means “inclined to submit, yielding to authority,” from the Latin submiss-, which is a stem of submittere, submission. It’s use, in the sense we find it today as a term relating to sexuality and specifically BDSM, has it’s earliest known usage in the late 1960’s and as a noun, possibly as late as the mid-1980’s. If we consider the term submissive strictly as a derivative of the word submission, we find the meaning of “humble obedience” around the mid 16th century. The English word slave, which literally means “person who is the chattel or property of another,” has its origin in the late 13th century and is derived from the Latin sclavus. One of it’s earliest meanings, stemming from the 1500’s was, “one who has lost the power of resistance to some habit or vice.” In the Old English the more common words for slave were þeow (related to þeowian “to serve”) and þræl (thrall – which carried the meanings of bondman, serf, servant, or slave), all of which referred to serving, or service in some manner. For example, a King’s thrall was a man sworn to serve the King alone. Slave is often used in various colloquial forms. The Italian ciao, a parting salutation, is a dialectal variant of the Italian schiavo “(your obedient) servant,” or literally a “slave.” In Arabic we see the word abd which means slave or servant used in common names such as Abdullah, which means “slave of god.” In French, the word concierge, which is a doorkeeper or caretaker, comes from the old Latin word conservius which means “fellow slave.” In Western nations and Western society at large, the word slave is generally considered a very bad word and rightfully so. It is closely associated with the atrocious history of American antebellum slavery, perhaps less so with other forms of slavery that were marked primarily by economic differences, and with the ongoing evil of human trafficking that results in forced prostitution and forced labor usually, though not always, of women and children. Therefore, as soon as we hear the word slave used, we tend to automatically associate it with those preconceived ideas. But it also has other uses. One can be a slave to ones desires. You may slave away at your job or a chore. or work like a slave When connecting devices one part may be a slave to its master. In these circumstances, while there is a relationship between the various meanings, we don’t automatically associate the meanings. That is to say, we don’t think of ourselves as literal slaves at work, rather we use the term in such as way to indicate the external pressures (paying bills, paying rent, buying food, clothes, necessities) that force us to continue working even though it is all voluntary. Which brings us directly into exploring the BDSM meaning and use of the words, submissive and slave. For those of us in the BDSM world, a submissive is any woman (or person) who has voluntarily, with full consent, given up a greater degree of her personal power to a Dominant person, who assumes the degree of control given Him, for a period of time. For most people, this means a couple of hours (if she is lucky) of bedroom play on Saturday nights after watching something steamy on Netflix. The power given to the Dominant is very temporary and very transient and ends at the end of play, at which time the couple assume their normal vanilla roles. And there is nothing wrong with this. It is a wonderful way to spice up any relationship – go do a little role play, or play with some handcuffs, or maybe she’s been a naughty girl and needs a spanking and some hair pulling. It is a very temporary exchange of power dynamics. As we move deeper into the BDSM world we begin to find people who have really embraced an understanding of power play and will regularly engage in Dominant and submissive (D/s) role-play, sometimes for entire weekends or longer. This is where truly serious BDSM begins to take shape but even here, the woman is actively submissive to a Dominant for limited periods of time. The real difference is that most people at this level actively embrace their role as Dominant or submissive, not so much as just playing around, but with an actual appreciation that this is a significant part of who they are as a person. The woman who knows that she is a submissive, even though she only plays that role on a part-time basis, is going to be far happier falling into that play, than the woman who does not know and has to figure it out each time she fools around with her partner. Moreover, the woman who actively embraces who she is as a submissive will find it easier to use that role in every aspect of her life to be more successful in both career and relationships, than the woman who is still trying to find herself. And yes, I am stereotyping in my writing, as this applies equally to submissive men or Dominant people as well. Finally we begin to reach the pinnacle of the D/s world. An increasing number of people are learning to embrace BDSM as a full-time, 24/7, relationship tool- what we call Lifestyle BDSM. In a 24/7 relationship one person has, again fully voluntarily and with full consent, decided to give up a significant degree of power in her life to the Dominant man she has agreed to partner with. At this point we begin to blur the lines with our understanding of what it is to be submissive with becoming a slave. The slave is the woman who wants her man to assume the majority of power (and in some very rare cases, all of the power) in their relationship. Note, that I said “in their relationship” and not in her life, there is a difference. In my opinion, when any Dominant begins to push his control past the consensual bounds of their relationship and begins to play with trying to control the submissive at work, at school, etc., we begin to cross into potentially abusive territory and we need to tread very carefully. Not that there isn’t a place for that, but it can be a murky gray area that quickly goes bad. And the submissive and the Dominant need to exercise caution. Regardless of the exact degree of power exchange that goes on, as soon as the D/s relationship becomes a permanent, 24/7, structured arrangement we move past the idea of a woman being just a submissive and toward her being a slave. Let’s briefly consider why. As we noted above in the definitions, as a submissive we might consider the woman ‘humbly obedient’, but as someone who is wanting to be in a 24/7 relationship she is accepting that she is now the ‘property of another’ and that she has ‘lost the power of resistance’ to her partner. She loves Him so much, she honors His Dominant position so much, that she no longer wishes to try to match up to Him in power play, but is very happy to yield her power in the relationship to Him and allow Him to lovingly lead her through life. The slave is the penultimate submissive. She has stopped being a part-time player, she has embraced the fullness and the power of who she is. She has gone from trying to be something, to actually embodying the beauty of submission to her Dominant and now lives to please her Master, all of the time. And of course, this is all a sliding scale. There are degrees of slavery in the BDSM world, there are differences. No two couples, no two partners, are ever going to be identical to another couple, therefore the power exchange dynamic, how it works out, how it looks from both inside and outside, will be different for every single couple in BDSM land. As a quick aside, let me also just very briefly touch on the word Master as used by the Dominant. I believe that the word Master is used two different ways in the BDSM community. First, there is the Master who is basically a very successful professional Dominant. He is almost always a teacher, certainly an accomplished Dominant. Consider him (as one of my teachers has said) to be like a Karate Sensei, not just a Black Belt in Karate, but a teacher as well. They have taken what they love, mastered a significant portion of the material, and then had the grace to share with others. The Master is someone with extensive experience, has climbed the ladder of success and probably has a lot of stories about failure as well. The other type of Master is the Dominant, usually just as successful (but probably far more private) who has gone from role-play, being a Dominant part-time, to a 24/7 relationship. Once one enters that territory, the Dominant becomes the Master. He has taken on responsibility and ownership of the submissive/slave and is now her everything. So how do we wrap this up. Let me begin by saying this: Not all submissives are slaves, but all slaves are submissives. There simply is no hard and fast rule, and everyone tends to disagree with how we use these words in the BDSM communities. Some people are strongly opposed to the use of the word slave and they have legitimate reasons, African-American women in particular have a very real reason to object to the use of the word (and some have take on alternate terminology, stuck with the term submissive, or simply embraced the word slave – it is entirely an individual choice that we have no right to interfere in). But I digress, put simply, I use the word submissive as a verb to indicate a voluntary choice to hand the reigns of power to another and I use submissive as a noun to indicate any person who gives up power to a Dominant on a part-time basis (be it hours, days, even weeks). The slave is a submissive who gives up power, (again it is always consensual) permanently, with no desire to have an end to the total power exchange with her Dominant. There is absolutely nothing more beautiful than a successful Master/slave relationship. And you will almost never find happier people than those who have found their place in this type of relationship.
- The Etiquette of Online BDSM
I spend too much time on Facebook. Family, friends, local news, pages and groups for pretty much any interest, including BDSM, and I spend a lot of time there. I enjoy the diversity, the opportunity to learn, to interact with a wide variety of people from different backgrounds and with different interests and experiences. However, despite that, I normally keep my private messaging between family and friends in real life. This past weekend a member of one of the groups I belong to reached out and asked permission to PM me. Not really thinking about it, and I had no idea who she was, I said yes. We had a brief, maybe 20 minute conversation, platonic, friendly, and then I had to run off to do some work. Really didn’t think about it at the time. Later that day though, I had cause to. One of the daily rituals that my slave and I share is to take a few minutes, or as long as necessary, to talk about our day. In particular, we always share any of our conversations outside the ordinary course of our daily work. It’s a chance to decompress, to unwind from the daily grind of work and transition back into home life. When I told her about that Facebook conversation, she made a comment that had me thinking about my behavior, which in turn led me to this post. I’ve been around a bit and one of those things you quickly learn (hopefully not the hard way) is that you do not socialize with another Dominant’s submissive and I’m not talking about playing here. You do not walk up to a collared submissive and begin talking to her without first engaging with her Dominant and receiving permission. Unless, of course, you already have an established relationship with both the Dominant and the submissive. There are actually a whole host of commonly accepted rules in the BDSM communities about how we act at public or private events. Things like, you don’t touch people or toys without permission, be polite, don’t interrupt scenes, dress to the code, and so on. Of course, rules can vary, but in general it’s mostly common sense. The problem comes when we move from real life to social media. Most of us have these habits of forgetting that there are people on the other side of the screen, that etiquette should not stop at the keyboard, that we should behave online with the same degree of decorum that we do in real life. In the incident that I related above, I was wrong. I accepted a PM from a woman I did not know without doing my due diligence. I should have looked at her profile or activity on Facebook more carefully, once realizing that she was a collared submissive, I should have either denied her request to talk, or reached out and spoken to her Dominant first. There was nothing inappropriate in our conversation, but there was a breach of trust between her and her Dominant when she spoke to me, a breach that I participated in – and that was wrong of me. Let me suggest that all submissives should have their Dominant’s permission before reaching out to talk to another Dominant. And Dominants should already have an existing friendship or at least a relationship with a Dominant before talking with their submissive. We do this in real life, we need to do this online as well. My only exception might be if someone reaches out for help – in which case, human life and safety, as always, trumps all of our rules.
- Ten Rules for Dominants
1. Be PatientUntil you enter into a contract with a submissive, you have no more right to order him/her around than does anyone else. Give your bottom time to get to know you and what you like. Finesse and subtlety are major elements of dominance. Similarly, strength and gentleness go hand in hand. The sensitivity and awareness (or lack thereof) that you show in the real world is likely to be repeated in the playroom. 2. Be HumbleYou may be God’s/Goddess’ gift to the world, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunities to show how good you are – and plenty of opportunities to make a fool of yourself. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for a failure by developing expectations that you know you can never reach. 3. Be OpenAlthough the top is classically considered to be the teacher in SM, you can always learn from your bottom, no matter how inexperienced. Be willing to learn from other dominants who may have a totally different perspective from yours. Try to approach by-now-familiar trips with an attitude of wonderment and discovery. Be aware that everyone has her or his own personal style. 4. CommunicateYou are responsible for finding out basic, essential information about the people you play with, such as experience, limits, likes and dislikes, and health information. Playing SM without this knowledge is like Russian Roulette. Talk about your head-space and your review of SM with your bottom, so that any uncertainties can be dealt with before you start playing. Clearly spell out roles, rules, limits and contracts. Do not take for granted that your bottom instinctively knows the ground rules. 5. Be HonestIf you lack experience in an area that your bottom would like to experiment with, be honest about it. Your partner has a right to know that. Be honest with yourself and take your submissive only to those levels at which you are completely in control of the situation. Safety should always be the first concern, taking priority over how hot a particular scene is. 6. Be SensitiveThere’s a very fine line between a sensitive, caring dominate and a self-righteous, insensitive overbearing clod. Your scene should be a creative synthesis of you needs and fantasies, and your bottoms needs and fantasies. Although, on the surface, your submissive is serving you, what actually is happening is that dominant and submissive are serving each other. Earn the complete trust of your submissive and never violate or even threaten to violate that trust. His or her submission is a gift to you. Use it appropriately. 7. Be RealisticEnd the scene with the bottom wanting more, not wishing there had been less. Remember that power, control, and sensitivity are the keys, not just the intensity of the stimulation. Be clear about what is fantasy, and has little to do with what works in practice. Your favorite porno picture books may be stimulating in themselves, but don’t try to imitate them to the last detail. 8. Be Really DominantSubmissives are looking for someone who will take over their body and mind, not just for brute strength. Real people are wanted, not just cardboard images from ads or stereotypes. Your dominance enhances your whole existence. It does not cover up or substitute for other areas of your life – it is you. Make your submissive fall in love with you, and expect them to give themselves up to you totally. Follow up on rules, expect obedience, and punish appropriately when it is called for. Don’t shirk your responsibility to your bottom or to your sister/fellow tops. Be dependable and expect dependability. You have agreed to take the dominant role – now take it! 9. Be HealthyLike any strenuous activity, SM requires that its participants be in top physical and emotional health. Many factors, including the amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake affect your performance and endurance during a scene. Don’t attempt to do SM when your physical or emotional energy is low. As a dominant you have a special responsibility to be in control of yourself and on top of the scene. An attitude of “drugs and alcohol don’t affect me that much…I can do it anyway” violates your submissive’s trust in you and can be dangerous. If you don’t want to accept the responsibilities, you shouldn’t be playing the game! 10. Have FunAfter all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned, and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasures which come from responsible, creative SM play. This list has its roots in the early 1980’s Society of Janus by an anonymous author.
- Ten Rules for submissives
1. Be PatientA potential top will let you know if she or he is interested in you or not. Keep in mind that your purpose as a submissive is to serve and to satisfy someone who will take into consideration the realization of your fantasies. Don’t expect your top to be able to turn on like a light switch. The timing must be right for both of you. 2. Be HumbleYou may be God’s/Goddess’ gift to the world and the most sought after prize in town, but no one needs to hear it or wants to hear it. You will have ample opportunity to show how good you are. No matter what you claim, the “real you” will show through in a scene. Don’t set yourself up for failure by developing expectations that you know you and your top can never reach. 3. Be OpenYou can learn something about SM and about yourself from everyone into the scene, no matter how experienced or inexperienced they are, or how dominant or submissive they are. SM is a very personal art, and an “I already know it all” attitude will make you miss valuable SM lessons and experiences, and ignore potentially valuable SM friends. 4. CommunicateVerbalization is necessary, but at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way. Your top needs to know basic information about you, such as experiences, fantasies, health concerns, and turn-offs. But -unless it’s an emergency – wait until your top asks. Don’t expect your dominant to be a mind-reader and instinctively knows your needs, wants, and limits. Your cooperation will enhance the scene for both of you. 5. Be HonestDon’t be afraid to share your needs and fantasies. Your dominant expects it. Honesty about your wants, health concerns, and turn-offs is essential to a good scene. Lying or being less than candid can only lead to problems, as the top will base the scene on inaccurate information. Besides causing problems, it can be dangerous. 6. Be VulnerableYour scene is a two-way street. It is not just the physical realization of your prior fantasies. If you want to limit your experience to certain physical and psychological stimulation, then contract with your top ahead of time. But don’t always expect your top to be a puppet in a fantasy play you’ve written in your head. It’s far better to let your top surprise you, to extend your limits, to take you to places you’re never been before. When you trust your top completely, let her or him know it, and let him or her guide you into new fantasies. 7. Be RealisticYour dominant is human, and even the most experienced tops have moments of awkwardness and indecision. Don’t call attention to what you perceive as a lapse. Know the difference between reality and the fantasy world you see in books and magazines. Few tops are rich enough to afford a large dungeon with a lavish layout of equipment…Your top’s equipment is expensive – respect it and don’t abuse it. 8. Be Really SubmissiveThis is the whole point. Let your dominant take you over completely. Don’t coach or second guess or be critical of your top. Exchange information on your special needs before the scene starts, but once it starts be quiet! If you insist on running a scene to your own specifications, then you should try being a top. You have agreed to limitations of your own power. Stay within those limitations. Respect and obey your top and expect punishment if you don’t. Accept it gracefully and cheerfully. Your top has many things to be concerned with, including your safety and what turns you on. Be loyal and dependable and enjoy your role. 9. Be HealthySM, like any strenuous activity, requires that its participants – both active and passive – be in top physical and emotional health. The amount you sleep, your eating habits, your alcohol and drug intake, and everyday stress affect your response and endurance during a scene. Your dominant needs to know when your physical or emotional energy is low. No matter how tempting a scene sounds, an “I want it all now” attitude when you aren’t able to give your all will leave both of you feeling let down. You serve your dominant and yourself by staying healthy. 10. Have FunAfter all, sex is all about having a good time. You have earned and you are entitled to the unique, intense pleasure which comes from responsible, creative SM play. This list has its roots in the early 1980’s Society of Janus by an anonymous author.
- House Rules
Since my last post was on some of the rules that my slaves have to follow in public, I thought I would share some of the rules that they must follow at home. This list is by no means exhaustive but are taken from several different contracts that I have used in the past which is why some are written in third person and some in first, there are also some duplicates for the same reason. I write rules that I believe will benefit myself as the Master, but I also want to encourage both the slaves submissive nature and her growth as a person. Contrary to what many fake (or inexperienced) Dominants claim, being a submissive or slave is not all about demeaning the woman or beating her down in some way. The job of the Dominant is to build and enhance the slave’s innate nature as a submissive, to help her find fulfillment and happiness in her service to her Master. At the end of the day, if she is not happy in her service to her Master, He is failing in his duty. Rules should be written to match the dynamic of the particular relationship that each Master and slave find themselves in. They should be agreed upon and then strictly enforced. My approach is to begin each submissives training with a half-dozen or so rules and then add on every week or two. I am more interested in quality over quantity and so I want my submissives to truly embody and live each rule fully before taking on more. Simply throwing a bunch of rules at someone when you begin training only overwhelms the submissive and makes it impossible for her to truly serve. We have to build them up and help them get to where we want. By the time a submissive is ready to become a true slave these rules should be second nature. Again, these are samples of rules that I have used in the past or currently have in place. They pertain a lot toward how the slave is to behave in private though there is some overlap with public behavior as well. In addition to these, there are also rules that apply specifically toward the slaves appearance, toward sexual activities, and so on.
- Slave Rules in Public
I’ve seen a lot of discussion lately on how slaves and submissives should act in public. And even more questions from people who are new to the lifestyle. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen some really bad advice from people who might mean well, but really don’t understand that you just don’t break a 24/7 D/s dynamic because you aren’t at home. Some couples are afraid of other people finding out or embarrassed about what their family might say so they keep their dynamic hidden from view, playing only in the home. And that is okay if that is what you want. If your BDSM is strictly bedroom play, if your kink is just fun at home, that is perfectly acceptable and anyone should feel comfortable with that decision. This becomes an issue when people start claiming they ‘live the lifestyle 24/7’ but don’t have a clue how to act in public. One of the misconceptions that I think a lot of people have, particularly vanilla outsiders and those new to BDSM, is that being in a 24/7 D/s or M/s dynamic somehow means that you are going out in public wearing a leash, or fetish gear, or nude. It’s rather unfortunate, but the internet and bad BDSM porn, has really left a lot of people with some really fucked up ideas of what the lifestyle is really like. I had someone tell me recently that she thought people who took their dynamic into the public space should be ashamed of themselves, doing things around kids or innocent people. And that kind of attitude is really more common than I’d like to think since so many people conflate all aspects of Lifestyle BDSM with fetish and kinky sex. So first, let me state clearly that you do not have to be into any fetish or kinky sexual play to practice many aspects of BDSM. I also want to share that I (and a number of couples that I know) have raised perfectly happy children while living 24/7 lifestyles. Anyone who says they can’t get into BDSM because they have kids, or because they live with their parents, or vanilla roommates, just isn’t trying hard enough. My submissives and slaves are all required to follow my rules once they belong to me. These rules never break, they are always in effect, even around family, friends or at work. That being said, it is my responsibility to insure that I am not creating arbitrary rules that might hurt my women in some way, cause them distress with their vanilla friends, cause any sort of animosity with their families (all of whom I get along great with), or interfere with their careers. Most of the rules that I have in place for public spaces make us look a bit old-fashioned to some people but very seldom raise any eyebrows. I do not ever force any high protocol behavior in public, though on occasion a slave may feel more secure by doing certain things, like kneeling by my side when I am sitting because she is feeling particularly needy. I won’t stop them if they really need to, but I also don’t encourage it. Most of these rules are based in old-school etiquette and would be familiar to many people. One last thing, I am not averse to punishing my slaves in public. Nothing excessive, but I will spank them when they break the rules, even in the middle of Macy’s. These are some of the rules that I have implemented: These are the majority of our public rules. A few other things that I require include all of us being able to contact one another at all times. When we are apart I expect each slave to check in with me every hour, just a quick ‘hi’ text is sufficient, exceptions might be when I know they are at work or they are going to a movie together, things like that. We all share our personal contacts with a location sharing app using family sharing, so we all know exactly where each other is at all times. Ultimately, every dynamic has to find the rules that work for them. In some situations the dynamic might include public kink or fetish play, particularly if you live in places where it’s possible. But that is rare, so you need to find ways to keep your submissives, your slaves, in the proper mindset regardless of where you are. My rules may not work for you, but they work well for me. Find your own way, don’t be afraid to adjust and change the rules to find what works best for you. Remember that the slaves public behavior is a direct reflection of their Master, encourage them and reinforce positive behavior, be proud of them in public. Most importantly, never let anyone tell you that you can’t live your lifestyle your way. 24/7 BDSM is a very real and very possible lifestyle, go out and live it.
- BDSM Should be Taught in Sex Education Classes
We really need to normalize teaching about all aspects of sexual behavior to students in sex education classes. We need to teach the basics of BDSM in sex education classes, not so much the full on D/s side of things, but at least the basics of kink. People need to know that it is normal to want to experiment. People need to know that it is ok to spank your partner if they want it, or that there are safe and unsafe ways to have unconventional sex. We need to be way more open to having these conversations with our children, at least at the high school level. Kink is never going to go away. With the proliferation of online porn, with the ease of finding even the most extreme forms of entertainment, our teens and young adults have to know at least something about kinky sex. More importantly, we have to build better avenues of communication between adults who are experienced in the BDSM world, particularly those of us who mentor, and the upcoming generations who are just beginning to explore. I don’t think we need to have full on instruction in BDSM, that’s just taking things a bit too far. But being willing to sit in a class and say, as an example: “Yes, some people like to be choked during sex, but there is a safe way and a wrong way to do it. So before you try it, talk to someone about how to do it safely.” And there should be an avenue of communication where younger and less experienced people can come and ask these questions without being judged – safe spaces for kinky communication. They exist online, they exist in the right communities, but they can be hard to find sometimes. And of particular concern to me are the minors who are experimenting but because of their age they don’t have recourse to those safe spaces. Now, I’m not encouraging them, I honestly believe it’s better to start our sexual adventures a little bit later rather than earlier, but I’m not judging either. Parents should be able and willing to talk to their kids. Teachers should be able and willing to talk to their students. It keeps the kids in a safer environment and away from predators. It’s not a popular opinion I know, particularly with the fundamentalist crowds. But hey, I’m not advocating for everyone to try kinky sex, just to be aware that for those who want to play, there are safe ways to do so and there should be safe places to learn about it before running off with a partner and trying it. I’m just encouraging and advocating for more education and less trauma-inducing blind experimentation.
- Stop Hiding BDSM in the Closet
First, let me start by saying that no one should be forced to stay in the closet or to come out of the closet. Every single human being should be free to express their sexuality the way they choose to without fear of persecution or shame. Now, while I sincerely believe that everyone has a right to express themselves to the degree that they choose to be comfortable with, I also believe that hiding BDSM in the closet is actually doing a grave disservice to the community. To explain where I am coming from let’s briefly compare BDSM with the LGBTQ+ communities. Hiding the gay or transgender people in the closet made all of us straight CIS-types more comfortable in the past. We didn’t have to challenge our own preconceived notions of how people were supposed to be. But it isn’t right and it hurts the people who can’t simply be who they are. The rates of suicide and depression are way higher in LGBTQ+ groups where so many are still to this day stigmatized for who they are. When the LGBTQ+ communities are unable to get the help they need that the rest of us take for granted, or to live and present themselves in the way that is most comfortable to them, they end up living lives that are never going to be happy or satisfying. And all of us deserve a chance at a happy life. With the prominent rise of the gay-rights movements, with human beings who are anything but your typical straight person coming out of the closets and forcing people to deal with them, to recognize their rights to be who they want to be, we are slowly starting to live in a slightly better world. Because of the those members of the LGBTQ+ communities who are willing to sacrifice their own comfort and security to stand up for what’s right. Yes, there are still a lot of places where you can’t really be gay, or transgender, or whatever. Yes, we still have a long ways to go. But it’s a lot better than it was twenty or thirty years ago. And in twenty or thirty more years, I sincerely hope we are way past all of this and being gay, or transgender, or any other mix of sexuality and gender you choose, is as normal and acceptable as being a white cis male is. We are all human beings after all. But it has been a painful fight to gain the recognition and rights that exist today and it took a lot of courage from their communities to make it so and it will continue to be a struggle for a while longer. BDSM is in the same basic place the LGBTQ+ communities were a few decades ago. We’re moving into the mainstream, albeit slowly, and with as many setbacks as steps forward. Mainstream media has made BDSM more acceptable, particularly 50 Shades (which despite a host of issues really did help us), but a whole host of other movies and TV shows as well. However, there are still hundreds of laws in hundreds of places, that make consensual sexual acts, or lifestyle choices, between consenting adults illegal if they don’t conform to the socioreligious interpretations of vanilla types. Those of us who live lifestyles that are still counter-culture need to stand up and say no to persecution and discrimination. And the more of us who are willing to come out of the closet ,the more mainstream our lifestyle becomes, the more vanilla people have to face the reality that BDSM isn’t some twisted sick thing. And I’m not saying it’s an easy to do. Some of us are fortunate enough to be in positions or live in places where it is far more socially acceptable. Others of you do not. But we need to work on this. One of my biggest concerns isn’t really that BDSM needs to be in the limelight everywher, or that everyone should practice it, that’s ridiculous. Kink must always be a personal, consensual choice. No, my concern is the lack of mainstream education that exists for people who are interested in experimenting or trying out different things. Despite the increased proliferation of information that exists with the Internet today, it still takes a new person a long time to figure out who to listen to, what to read, what is safe, what BDSM really is (and isn’t). And along the way it isn’t that unusual to get fed a lot of bad or false information, to develop bad habits, to fall victim to abusive partners, and suffer devastating trauma. All of which could be avoided, at least to a large degree, if BDSM were more accepted, more available. Do I think everyone should run out and announce that they are living in a 24/7 D/s dynamic? No, I do not. People have to make a living. People have careers and families to think about. Societal pressures are very real and can be devastating forces when used wrong. People who are stuck living in small-town USA, in the middle of the Bible-belt, or in many places outside of the US such as the Middle East, may be stuck having to keep their kinks hidden away. But for those who can live openly, I would encourage you to do so, at least to some degree. Peek out of the closet just a bit, stick a hand out, take a small step out, and let’s start doing our part to make the world more accepting of who we are. We still have a ways to go, but it has to start somewhere.
- The Triskelion: Symbol of BDSM
Since the mid-1990’s the BDSM triskelion symbol, as shown on this page, has become the de facto symbol of BDSM culture internationally. The symbol was purposefully designed to be a bit ‘mysterious’, to not stand out too much. It allows people within the community to recognize it, without blatantly screaming “I’m a kinky freak”. The emblem was originally developed by Steve Quagmyr around late 1994 or early 1995 and loosely based on the description of the ring given to O in that quintessential novel “The Story of O”. In it’s most common form, the BDSM triskelion is a three spoked wheel with curved spokes and a dot in each portion, see figure 1. In it’s proper form the BDSM triskelion has metallic colored arms with a black background and each dot is actually a hole as shown in figure 2. The metallic coloring of the arms represent the chains, the irons, of BDSM, while the enclosed black backgrounds represent the so-called ‘dark side’ of BDSM. The curved lines represent the swinging lash and the outer circle the unity of the BDSM community that protects its own. Furthermore, the three divisions represent the three primary aspects of BDSM: Bondage and Discipline, Domination and Submission, and Sadism and Masochism. Some people may also equate the three divisions with the creed of Safe, Sane and Consensual or with the three types of types of people, Tops, Bottoms, and Switches. The holes represent how each individual is incomplete and the individual can only find completion in another person. It reminds us that BDSM can only be practiced with others. It is not a solo lifestyle. Use the symbol as you will. I have them on my cars. I wear it as a pendant. I know people with it tattooed on themselves. When you see it on someone, say hello. It’s a great way to recognize others in the lifestyle, to show your own pride in who you are, without flaunting it in a mainly vanilla world. References: https://fetjeweller.com/pages/about-the-bdsm-triskelion http://emblemproject.sagcs.net/index.html
- So you want to be a slave: The Realities
This is an excellent article on the realities of being a 24/7 slave in a M/s dynamic and written from the perspective of a slave living the lifestyle. It was published a number of years ago, I believe in 2008, by Miria Hunter. I decided to write this article because I have seen so many submissives come into the lifestyle expecting everything to be dream-like and perfect. I don’t wish to ruin anyone’s dreams, or turn them from the activity, but what I wish to do is to explain how things really are. Being a slave can be, and is for me, a wonderful life. It’s everything I wanted it to be. It is also more than I ever expected, and had someone explained the realities to me prior to my decision, it would have made my transition so much easier. For the purpose of this article, I am addressing issues related to being a 24/7 slave. These comments are from my viewpoint, which is that of a female slave with a male Master. By no means do I wish to exclude Domme’s or male slaves. For them, I cannot comment from personal experience. This is just my view from a real-time experience. First, there are a few things you need to discover for and about yourself. Do you wish to be in this type relationship 24/7? Perhaps you only wish to be in it during the scenes. Maybe you want to role-play at only during certain times. There are many ways this activity can be done, but you have to figure out what is right for you. Second, you need to learn to be honest with yourself. Figure out what you will and will not do, and what is a “maybe”. Search inside yourself for what you really want, and when you find it, be honest to anyone you talk to. Don’t agree to something long-term that you know you will not be able accomplish. Ask yourself some hard questions. The rest of this article will give you aspects to contemplate so you can base your decisions on reality, and not someone else’s dreams of how it should be. Are you prepared to surrender 100% control of your life to someone else? 24/7 slaves do this. Role-playing would mean entering into this relationship only for the time agreed upon that the Master would have the total control. Once the scene is over, everything returns to normal. Do you enjoy country music? Maybe you love Rock and Roll. Consider this. The Master who’s collar you will eventually wear, may only like classical or another type of music that you don’t enjoy. Are you prepared to give up those selections and only listen to His music? This type sacrifice can apply to many other things you currently enjoy. For myself, I love old love songs of any type, and my Master is into Hard Rock. Because of His preferences, I rarely get to listen to my songs. But, when I am a good girl, at times, He does permit me to listen to my choice of music, as long as I get my assigned tasks and chores done. Note, I said, “permitted to”. Something as simple as listening to the radio is a reward for me. It is not a given that you will be permitted to enjoy even this little pleasure whenever you wish. These limitations can apply to many areas of your life such as TV, choices of food or friends, just about anywhere anything! Is there a certain style of clothes you love? Certain colors and scents you wouldn’t be caught without? If your Master doesn’t approve of them, you may be wearing a totally different style with colors you never would have dreamed of. He may lay your clothes out for you every morning. Are you prepared to abide happily by His choices? If He asked you to wear something very skimpy to someplace simple like the grocery store, could you do this without hesitation? I am lucky in the fact that my Master lets me chose my own clothes most of the time. But at anytime, should He decide that He wants me to wear something else, I am to change immediately. Trust me, He does exercise this right. I have learned to always ask Him what He would like me to wear if we are going someplace special. Are you prepared to change your hairstyle, length, or color to please your Master? All of these will belong to Him once you accept your collar as will everything else that once belonged to you. You will no longer own anything. From the time you take His collar, everything will be His. It will no longer be “your” car or “your” clothes, but “His”, on loan to you as He sees fit. If He should so choose, you will not be permitted to wear clothes at all. This will be HIS choice, not yours. Remember, you will have given up all rights to make these choices for yourself. You have a favorite chair, or a certain way you like to sit or walk? Your Master will decide whether you sit on furniture or on the floor. He will have the say if you are to cross your legs, or sit with them spread wide-open. You will have to ask permission to even climb into bed, or sit on a chair. Most slaves are allowed a cushion on the floor that they do not need permission to sit upon, but very little else. You will even need permission to eat at the table with your Master. It’s been a long hard day at work. You get home and want nothing more than to relax in a tub and go to bed early. Well, you won’t be able to. Being tired, ill, or just in a bad mood does not excuse you from your required tasks. You are still required to do them: prepare His meal, and go to bed when HE tells you to. Retiring for bed usually occurs at a set time, even if you are not ready to go. There will not be an “I am too tired” or “I don’t feel well”: nothing of the kind. Unless your Master has excused you from your tasks and chores, you will remain responsible for making sure His needs and wants are filled: no matter what. It is your job to inform your Master of your physical health status. One of your main jobs will be to take care of and protect, His possessions. You being are the most prized one He owns. As long as you let your Master know how you are feeling, He will make sure that your tasks will be appropriate to your capabilities. Many come into this lifestyle looking to be used sexually, to service their Master at His whim. They never consider other aspects. The main part of being a slave is to be of service to your Master, and not to be serviced for yourself. However, being readily available to Him at ALL times is also an unspoken expectation. The old excuse “not tonight dear, I have a headache” doesn’t work in a D/s relationship. In order to provide Him pleasure, you must also express to Him the pleasure of the moment for you as well. NEVER make your Master feel this is a chore to you: something you would rather not do, but will only because you have to. If your Master tells you to do something, it will not be up to you to question Him. You will be required to respond with no questions asked. At a later time (if this is permitted in your relationship), you may ask Him for permission to speak on an equal level. If He gives permission, this will be your opportunity to ask your questions. However, it is important to ask in a way so as not to question His authority, but at the same time to satisfy your curiosity. Do you feel being a slave is to be coerced: forced into servitude? Do you think you couldn’t do this unless you were? Then think again. Slaves enter into this relationship of their own free will. This is not the day of forced slavery; it is a matter of choice. YOURS! You are the one who will decide to give over your power to your Master. You will be doing this, not because you are forced to obey, but because you need to. Yes, during the course of your relationship there will be times you will be forced to do something, but it will never be something that goes against who you are. Your Master may feel obeying this command will help you to grow into the best person you can be, or will help you break out of an inhibition you have. How is your temper? Are you quick to fly off-of-the-handle when you are upset? Or are you laid back, accepting anything and everything, and then go off to sulk because your feelings were hurt? A Master does not wish to have a doormat for a slave nor does He desire to be told how things should be. Learning when and how to say things will become very important in your relationship. If you do not tell your Master when something is bothering you, then you have no right whatsoever to become upset. However wonderful and omnipotent He may seem, He is not a mind reader: unless you tell Him, He won’t know. The key, as I said a moment ago, is in how you tell Him. Your self-discipline is very important in this relationship. Do you tend to put things off until the last possible moment? You won’t be able to do this when you are owned. There will be chores and tasks your Master will assign that He expects to be done in a timely fashion set by Him, not by you. Your Master’s wants and needs will be put before your own. Self-discipline is similar to self-control. Your ability to follow complete assignments made by your Master will be very important. As a slave, you will need to be able to control your own actions well enough to be able to remain within the boundaries set for you by Him. If He says you can’t do something, simply, you can’t. Doing it anyway, and not telling Him doesn’t make it right. In the case of a Master/slave relationship, what you don’t know CAN hurt you, as well as the relationship you have worked so hard to build. Even a simple “white lie” can destroy the trust so necessary to really establish this type relationship. As to wants and needs of your own: do you know the difference between the two? If not, I strongly recommend you figure them out before entering into servitude. Sometimes the two are hard to distinguish, but it will become important that you do so. Your Master will ensure all your “needs” are taken care of, but the “wants” will be His to allow or not, as He sees fit. Needs are the necessities of life that are required in order for us to remain mentally and physically healthy. They allow us to grow emotionally and spiritually. If you can survive without something, then it is a want. Wants are usually given as a reward for good behavior. In order to be a slave, there will be many things you have to learn to accept within yourself and adapt to. Your primary purpose in life will be to see to your Masters pleasure (both mentally and physically) in any manner He should desire. In order to do this, you will have to learn your Master well. Find out what pleases and displeases Him. By this, I do not mean just sexually. You will learn that sex is but a small part of your relationship. Learn to anticipate His every need and desire without being pushy. His needs and desires will encompass intellectual stimulation, physical pleasure, emotional support, and many other things unique to Him. Remember – physical does not equal sexual. Physical pleasure may include, but is not limited to, touch, favorite foods, textures, clothing, and colors as examples. It will be your job to make sure His physical pleasures are met in everyway. Think of the five senses, and make His environment pleasing to all of them. Never forget – the most pleasing thing in His environment should be you. As His slave, it will be up to you to figure out what pleases your Master. He should not have to ask constantly for the basic things – you should have learned them. If His glass is empty, quietly and unobtrusively refill it. Remember, you are doing this for His pleasure not your own. Just because He does not notice and praise you doesn’t mean you are doing it wrong. Look at His smile. Is He comfortable? If He looks happy and content, then you have done well, and should bask in His content. Always remember that you do this for Him and not for your own satisfaction. Your happiness should come from serving Him and His being happy. As I said in the beginning of this article, I am not trying to scare you away from the world of D/s. My goal is to make sure that, when you enter our lifestyle, you do so with your eyes wide open, fully knowing what to expect. The road will not be an easy one. You will have to re-learn much of what you once took for granted: things you just did without thinking, like simply sitting in a chair. These are habits we never even think about anymore. That is, until we find a Master. Everything else you learned before reading this article is probably true. Being a slave is a wonderful life: one where you are taken care of. Most decisions are out of your hands and in those of your Masters. But, many choices will still be left up to you. Most Masters want a slave who is smart, has a sense of humor, and a will of their own. There is no pleasure in owning a doormat who just sits or is only walked upon. He will become bored very fast. Being yourself is the best advice I was given, and I have found this to be absolutely true for me. You will find being a slave everything you dreamed of and so much more if you enter this life knowing more of what to expect. If you are meant to be in the lifestyle, you will find that, where you were once only walked through life, you will be gliding on air. Parts of you that never were complete will then become whole. In relinquishing control, I have found freedom: freedom to find and be the person I am inside. It is my hope that, after reading this article, you will be able to make a more informed choice about entering this lifestyle. Never forget that, one of the most important requirements for existing in this lifestyle is honesty. Honesty with yourself first. However, you will find that this is not as easy as it sounds. Once you learn to do this, you will find yourself at peace and able to enter your servitude with clearer mind, knowing where you are and where you want to be. When you accept your Masters collar, you give up all your rights. Your friends, your life – nothing will remain yours. Being a slave means giving up so much more than you would if you were only being submissive. You give up all rights in your life. Slave isn’t just a word; it’s a way of life, a defined action. Be well, my friend, and I hope you enjoy this lifestyle as much as I have come to love being in it. Ricks’s miria Anyone wishing to use this article on their site or mailing list may do so as long as my name and email address remain on them. Giving credit where it belongs. Original article here.
- Slave Training: Positions
Formal slave training generally begins with some sort of physical training. In the BDSM world, usually this means that we begin with basic position training so that the submissive knows how to properly position herself with good posture in the presence of her Dominant. Position training as the physical basis for slave training has its roots in the M/s and Gorean lifestyles (some say it was also an Old Guard Leather thing but most of the OG people I trained under when I was younger said that it wasn’t part of their early lifestyle). Position training allows the Dom to put the submissive into positions that are enjoyable to view. But they actually serve a far more important role in slave training. Physical training helps to put the slave into a head-space that is far more submissive and helps to keep her there. It is much like the idea that forcing yourself to smile will actually cause you to be happier – it is the mind following the body. Position training is also absolutely essential to High Protocol and to public play. Taking a submissive into a play event or to a protocol event without the ability to control her can be a humiliating reflection on the Dominant. Start slow and build, don’t try to learn everything in one day and one thing that is very important to keep in mind – no two submissives are exactly alike and trying to force people into the same physical position can actually be harmful. Adapt positions to the physiology of the submissive and be mindful of what she is and is not capable of. Someone with bad shoulders for example should never be forced to cross their arms behind their back. Someone with bad knees needs to be careful about kneeling. Do not go for extended periods of time, start with just a minute or two and build up. Dominants need to very carefully watch their slaves for any kind problems and submissives should be able to communicate any excessive pain, discomfort, or difficulties with any position so that the Dominant can make a decision about the position and length of training. Just as important as the positions themselves are how one gets into the positions. It is very important to practice mindful movement and not simply flop around into positions. Besides the fact that it might harm the submissive, it looks bad. Assuming positions and moving between them should always be done as gracefully as possible and with as little extraneous movement as possible. The slave might want to imagine herself much like a ballerina striving for perfect balance and a smooth graceful way of moving the body. Once in the position, there should be no movement at all and the submissive should strive for grace in stillness. And Dominants- do your own thing. If you prefer certain positions in your submissive, emphasize them. If you like some and don’t like others, do that. If you only want to use two or three positions, or you want to use many more than I use, do so. There is absolutely no hard and fast rule when it comes to slave positions unless you belong to a House or Protocol group- and even then there is always leeway. Your word as the Dominant is the absolute and final word for your submissive. This list is how I teach them within my House and my dynamics. Standing Positions In all standing positions, the back should be straight with the chest out, shoulders squared and pulled back, and breasts prominently displayed. The knees should not be locked, bend them very slightly so that blood flow is not inhibited. The slave might consider looking at how professional dancers stand and try to emulate that feeling of being ‘pulled’ upright as if there were a string attached to the top of the head. While the slave should stand fully upright, as tall as they can, they should also strive to maintain the mental idea of taking up as little space as possible. They are on display for the pleasure and use of their Master and not for themselves. Stand – Stand straight with the head up, feet shoulder width apart, eyes should be downcast, arms at the side or behind the back. Verbal Commands – Stand, Up, or Wait Hand Command – Raise hand with palm up, fingers outstretched and together. Attention – Stand straight with the head up, feet together, eyes should be downcast, arms at the side. Verbal Commands – Attention, Stand To Attention Hand Command – Raise hand with palm up, fingers outstretched and together then form a fist. Wall – Stand straight, close to the indicated wall, with the head up, feet shoulder width apart, eyes should be downcast, arms at the side, nose should just gently touch the wall. Verbal Commands – Against The Wall, Wall or Stand In The Corner. Hand Command – Fingers together, pointing up, make a pushing movement toward the indicated wall. Inspection – Stand straight with the head up, feet together, eyes should be downcast, arms raised and fingers interlocked behind the head. Slaves with longer hair should gather the hair up to expose the back of the neck as they join their hands. Verbal Command – Stand For Inspection or Inspection (when already standing). Hand Command – Raise hand with palm up, fingers outstretched and spread apart. Toes – Standing with the feet shoulder width apart, bend at the waist and attempt to touch the toes. The hands should grasp the leg to support the body, it is especially important that the slave find a balance point that allows for impact on the buttocks or upper thighs, or physical inspection of the genitals. Verbal command – Toes, Touch Your Toes, or Bend Over For Punishment. Hand Command – none. Sitting or Kneeling Positions In all upright kneeling positions, the back should be straight with the chest out, shoulders squared, and breasts prominently displayed. The upper body should maintain the same appearence as those of the standing positions, never slouching. If the slave is allowed to sit on a chair or couch she should never take advantage of that and slouch, spread out, or act ‘casual’. The slave should always maintain good posture that reflects well on her Dominant. She should continue to keep her eyes downcast, looking around should be done demurely and she should never meet another Dominants eyes, or speak with one, without being directed to. She should also never stand up or move for another person (Dominant or submissive) unless directed to by her Dominant. Kneel – On the knees, legs together, head up, eyes downcast, hands behind the back either crossed or resting on the outer buttocks toward the rear. Verbal command – Kneel. Hand Command – Lower hand with palm down, fingers together. Present – Kneeling, legs spread wide, head up, eyes downcast, hands resting on the thighs palms up. Verbal command – Kneel And Present or Present (if already kneeling). Hand Command – lower hand with palm down, fingers spread. Submit – Kneeling, lean forward with head touching the ground, hands stretched out. (This is identical to the child’s pose in yoga). Verbal command – Kneel And Submit, or Submit (if already kneeling). Hand Command – none. Inspection – Kneeling, legs spread wide, head up, eyes downcast, fingers interlocked behind the head. Slaves with longer hair should gather the hair up to expose the back of the neck as they join their hands. Verbal command – Kneel For Inspection or Inspection (if already kneeling). Hand Command – none. Sit – From a kneeling position the submissive may sit on the buttocks keeping the knees folder or sit in a crossed legged position. The slave must never spread out or extend the legs and must strive to take up as little space as possible. Verbal command – Sit. Hand Command – none. Kneeling Punishment – from a kneel, lean forward placing the head on top of the hands on the ground with the buttocks up. Verbal command – Kneel For Punishment. Hand Command – none. Prone Positions Back – Lie on the back, feet together, hands at the side of the body, looking straight up. Verbal command – Back, On Your Back, or Lie Back. Hand Command – none. Spread – Lie on the back, spread the legs as far apart as possible, place the hands behind the back of the head, trying to press the elbows to the ground, looking straight up. Verbal command – Spread. Hand Command – none. Apology – Lie on the stomach, legs together hands, arms straight out hands touching, forehead or nose to the ground and face straight down. Verbal command – none. This position is assumed voluntarily by the slave when she needs to issue a sincere apology to the Master for a severe offense. Hand Command – none.
- The Good Wife’s Guide
From Housekeeping Monthly, 13 May, 1955. Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dustcloth over the tables. During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours. Don’t greet him with complaints and problems. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him. A good wife always knows her place.
- Introduction to Submission
This is a nice article I ran across while doing some online research. My slave enjoyed it and wanted to share with everyone else. The authors name is Kim Debron and we highly recommend her website and the rest of her articles, particularly for subs and those who are new to the scene. Her website is https://www.kimdebron.com. Introduction to Submission my name is kim and i live in a 24/7 D/s relationship with my Master, these are my thoughts on submission, and being a submissive. For the purposes of this article i will refer to all Dominants as “He”, and all submissives as “she”, though statistics do show that there are probably as many male submissives as there are female. Firstly, the dictionary gives the basic meanings of the word submissive as follows: The act of submitting to the authority or control of another. The condition of having submitted to control by someone else The surrendering of power to another person. obedient, slavish, servile and compliant are just a few other words that can be used to describe submissive behaviour. What is a submissive? A submissive is a person who makes a conscious choice to give up some or all control of her life to another person – a Dominant or a Top. Dominance and submission is about a power exchange between two consenting adults. It is about the control within the dynamics of that relationship, whether it be a full time 24/7 relationship, or a casual meeting, or a part time arrangement. Choosing to be submissive means to allow someone else to control your body and behaviour within the preset limits you and that particular person, ie the Dominant, have agreed upon. Submission is not a sign of weakness, some of the most successful and strongest people are true submissives. Submission is not about passiveness, it is not about being a doormat – most submissives are intelligent and well balanced people just fulfilling their basic desires to submit and to give up control. Submission is not about kinky sex and whips and chains – though those things can and do play a part in our lifestyle, it is much deeper than just that, and comes from the heart. Submission is a choice, and a wonderful gift to the Dominant – it should never be entered into lightly, even in a casual situation at a party or gathering. What does a submissive usually do? A submissive does whatever her Dominant requires of her, within the boundaries already agreed upon by both parties in the relationship. She serves Him in whatever manner He wishes, for His pleasure and His comfort. Of course the most common perception of BDSM is that it is about kinky sex, and being tied up and whipped! In reality, it isn’t necessarily that way at all. However, having said that – serving the Dominant sexually can and does happen, depending again on the boundaries agreed upon. Being there for His pleasure is what is important, He may wish to flog, spank, whip or cane the submissive, or perhaps indulge in medical play, or bondage, any number of activities, whenever and however He wishes. Serving can take many other forms too, such as taking care of His house, cooking, cleaning, accompanying Him on outings, sitting at His feet, running errands, doing the shopping to name a few. He may set tasks for the submissive, just for His own amusement, but more likely with a purpose, perhaps to help her improve her situation, or to challenge her mind, or simply something that He needs to have done. In a more casual arrangement, the power exchange can be just for play, or for a regular amount of time each week, and in those cases, the submissive will give over control for the agreed period. Then serving is more likely to be for play, with or without sex, and perhaps some role play. In a more long term arrangement, such as i have with my Master, the degree of submission is deeper and can include things such as what the submissive wears, how she has her hair, where she sleeps and what she eats. Long term relationships are more likely to include sexual service, but that is not always the case. There are D/s relationships where sex is not a factor at all. A good example of this is the relationship my Master had with one of His submissives who was a bisexual male. My Master is straight – there was no sex at all between the two, yet for them both, it was a very fulfilling and complete D/s relationship. Are there different types of submissives? The simple answer is yes, we are not all tarred with the same brush, though we all have one main thing in common and that is the need to give control to someone else. We crave the feelings that come from the power exchange, no matter what form it takes, from physical play sessions to a request to serve tea to the Dominant, and anything in between. There are various ways of describing each type of submissive – The psychological submissive who just wants the physical act of submission, and can often have masochistic tendencies, liking harder play than most. The sexual submissive whose need is filled by the the sexual satisfaction from submitting to a Dominant. The natural submissive who often has slavish tendencies. Her submission is a part of her intrinsic personality. Her deep need is to relinquish control. It is also important to remember that there can be combinations of the different types in the one person, it is not as clear cut as simply describing a submissive as any of the three definitions given. Within those definitions there are many variations and combinations. Submission can take many forms, and there is no right and wrong. If the basis of the relationship is a power exchange between the parties concerned, then whatever feels right to those people involved,is indeed a Dominant/submissive relationship. Can you learn to be a submissive or is it natural? People can learn to act submissively, this is called role playing or bottoming, where a person who may not be submissive all the time, will act in a submissive manner, to a certain Dominant, for an agreed amount of time in a play session. There are many people who do just that, masochists often fall into this category. A masochist is not always submissive but will act submissively in order to get the play he or she craves. There are, however, some submissives who are also masochists. Some people are natural submissives , these people do not learn to act in a submissive manner, they simply ARE submissive. A submissive may undergo training to learn the correct way of doing things for her Master or Dominant, but the basics of her submissive nature are already there. She submits because it is a need deep within her soul, not for any other reason. I fall into this category, i am submissive, my need to serve Master is overwhelming, my need to sit at His feet, to call Him Master, to do His bidding and to accept His authority and control of my life, is what i live for. I have been described as more of a slave than a submissive, and i believe in my own heart that is a more accurate description of my nature – it is also sometimes referred to as a submissive with slave tendencies. I think of myself as a slave to my Master. How does a submissive behave in public and in private? A good submissive will always remember her place, no matter where she is, and should behave accordingly. In public especially, a submissive needs to show respect to people around her. An owned submissive like myself, has to remember that whatever she does, is a direct reflection on her Master – if she misbehaves or is rude or disrespectful, it looks as if her Master has no control, and He can lose face or His standing in the community. A submissive should never disobey in public nor should she disagree with her Dominant in front of others. If she has a protest, it should be done when she is alone with Him, when she can ask to speak freely and things can be discussed fully. In private, things are often a lot more relaxed, but even so, good behaviour is one of the most important things to practice. Dominants get tired of having to always be jumping on a bratty or badly behaved submissive. Any good Dominant will not reward bad behaviour so playing up to get a spanking often doesn’t work it just makes everyone concerned irritable, and punishment is likely to be unpleasant. Of course there is one situation where bad behaviour is acceptable – that is in a role play session, where for an agreed period the submissive may behave like a naughty child, or a rebellious teenager, in order to get the Dominant to punish her. Those scenarios can be fun, and are often a good way for the submissive to let her cheekiness and brattiness out. It must be said, that in a session, obedience is paramount, there should never be a time when a submissive disobeys a direct order, her life may depend on it. Most submissives really want to please the Dominant and therefore bad behaviour is not a common occurrence. Not many submissives deliberately disobey, though sometimes they get into trouble for silly mistakes or for not thinking. When this happens, a good Dominant may very well punish her, but it will be a fair punishment and she will learn the lesson and hopefully won’t make the same mistake again. How does a submissive relate to other submissives? Most submissives will behave in a polite and correct manner towards other submissives, no matter what. An unattached submissive should never, ever try and push her way in between another sub and her Master or Dominant, it is simply not the done thing. She may politely request to talk to the Dominant in question, but she should always respect protocol and the position of the other submissive. There are of course submissives who will behave in this fashion, but they are soon noticed and either told about it, or find themselves on the outside of the circle. An unattached submissive, may try to compete against others, but normally this is not the case and usually only some newer submissives, or those that really do not understand what submission is about, will behave in this manner. A submissive needs to have submissive friends, to be able to confide in and to let off steam, knowing that her friends understand the lifestyle and the constraints that come with it. Choosing to give up control of some or all aspects of your life is not an easy decision, nor is it a smooth running path all the time. Submissives often find that they either can’t contemplate telling their family, or their ‘vanilla’ friends or that those same friends are open minded but simply don’t understand. How does a submissive relate to other Dominants? A submissive should always, without question be polite and respectful to other Dominants. Some submissives use the titles of Sir or Ma’am when addressing other Dominants, but it is more a personal choice of the Master as to how His submissive will address other people. It can also depend on the particular Dominant’s standing within the D/s community. A submissive should never use the single title of Master or Mistress except for her own Dominant. The exception would be to use the Dominant’s full title such as “Master Joe” or “Mistress Roni”. That is an accepted and fairly common form of address from any submissive, owned or otherwise. From my own experiences, i tend to use a mixture of both methods, some Dominants i would never think of using anything but Their full titles, whereas others i will address by Their names only. It really depends on my Master’s relationship with the Dominant in question, and also my own connection with Him or Her. I have friends who are Dominant, that i only ever call by Their given names. An unowned submissive may speak to Dominants freely, but should usually ask to do so, whereas an owned submissive usually needs to get permission from her Owner first. An unattached submissive who is looking for casual play or for a more long term relationship, should, without question always be well behaved and show respect, but should not be scared to approach Dominants that she may come into contact with. If i am spoken to by a Dominant that i am not familiar with, my response is usually something along the lines of, “Please excuse me, but i will need to get permission to continue this conversation” i would then go and ask Master to either come and talk to the Dominant in question or else ask for permission to continue the conversation. Most good Dominants have a huge amount of respect for submissives, and understand the deep nature of their gift and commitment to their Dominants. Because of this understanding, there is usually politeness accorded on both sides, however there are Dominants out there who believe that any submissive is fair game and should submit no matter what. A useful saying to remember, is “i may be submissive, but i am not YOUR submissive” – basically meaning that as a submissive, you do not have to submit to any Dominant except your own, or where there has been an agreement made. If i am treated in an unacceptable manner by another Dominant, i have permission to tell that person in no uncertain terms to “f*** off!” However, i would normally ask Him if He has permission to touch someone else’s property and i have been known to point to my collar and tag – which clearly states “Property of Master Joe”! A Dominant should never physically touch any submissive that does not belong to him unless he has permission to do so. – Of course these are not hard and fast rules and there are plenty of occasions when contact does happen. For example, two Dominants and Their submissives who are all good friends, will meet up – the Dominants will usually shake hands and often will kiss the Other’s submissive, and the submissives will normally hug and kiss each other too. There is a protocol of sorts in this situation. The submissives must wait until the Dominants have greeted each other, then the submissives must greet the Dominants, and finally each other. Greetings are an important part of the lifestyle we follow, and going to an event – a submissive may expect to be kissed and hugged many times over, by Dominants and submissives alike, both for hellos and goodbyes! The question maybe raised about whether or not a submissive should offer her chair to a Dominant if there are none available. The answer to this is no, unless directed to by your own Master or Dominant. In the vanilla world that may be acceptable behaviour but in the D/s world it is not. If your Master wishes you to give up your seat, He will ask you to do so, other than that, you remain seated if you’ve been told to sit!. In simple terms it is about politeness and respect for the Dominants. I find a great deal of joy in learning about and putting into practice the protocols demanded of a good submissive, knowing that my behaviour reflects directly back to my Master, it fills me with a sense of pride knowing that i am doing the right thing. So in conclusion, it can be seen that a submissive is just like any other person. We have likes, dislikes, worries and fears the same as everyone else. Submissives come in all shapes and sizes, and all sexualities and ages, there is no discrimination. We are just normal people fulfilling our own desires honestly, in a world which is considered by many, to be alternative and definitely not mainstream society. © Kim Debron 2006 Edited and revised 2016 Original Article here.
- A Note to My Future slave
I sent this letter to my slave shortly before we entered our M/s dynamic formally. There is no greater gift that a woman can give to a man than the gift of her submission to Him. In some rare and special cases that gift finds its fullness in the act of consensual slavery. It is a hard gift to accept within oneself as society has conditioned women to believe that service is wrong, that they must be staunchly independent, that service, submission, obedience are somehow degrading or ‘patriarchal’. But it ignores the absolute fact that most people are born to specific roles in life. And two of those roles are expressed through Dominance and submission which works out, in its fullest sense, in the roles of Master and slave. Most women are born submissive, this is further conditioned and the behavior reinforced, by the way they are raised. Unfortunately the mixed signals of contemporary western society causes women to deny, to not accept or understand, this submissive nature. It is a grievous error that can leave women unhappy and unfulfilled as they go through life unable to find what they need to be truly fulfilled. There is the constant struggle for equal rights and gender normative behavior that precludes the free and willing choices of men and women to behave in a natural manner. We are being forced to accept the theory that equal rights means women and men cannot act in dominant and submissive roles. We are being forced to accept the theory that any perceived difference in gender roles is hateful, or bigoted, or something worse. Men cannot be men, women cannot be women. We no longer have a choice, we are being forced to present ourselves in this new politically correct, almost asexual or gender-less, identity. But that is not who we are at a fundamental level. There are differences between men and women, that doesn’t lessen our equality, it simply recognizes our biology and physiology.. It’s like saying that blue equals green. They are both colors, they are both equally important, they both occupy vital places in the color spectrum, but one is not more or less than the other- yet some people prefer green over blue, or blue over green. In some places blue is more important, in other places green is. Equality between sexes is the same. Women must have equal rights, but that includes the right to exercise submission, to be who she is fully and to the greatest extent possible. It also means that those few women who are naturally dominant be allowed to be so. But you, my love, are a true submissive. A woman who desires more than anything else to help and server other people. To always be the one that others can rely on to help them. You are at your best when you are serving others and always putting them before yourself – this is the heart of submission. And it must never be confused with weakness. The strength that is necessary to submit and serve another is far more than what most people will ever need to simply walk through life alone. It has been written that the core of submission is obedience. True obedience is found in action, it is found in that place where the body moves to obey even while the mind is formulating a response to the command. Accepting your role as my slave means accepting the rule of obedience. But it does not mean being blind to what you do or the repercussions of my orders. Do I expect obedience, absolutely, do I expect you to hurt yourself or others by being obedient – never. Do not question without respect. Never refuse, but always be mindful of your place. And part of that place, in serving your Master, is the desire to never do harm to him. Which might mean pointing out an error in an order when necessary, but from within the desire to be obedient, to live in that place of service to me. The slave is the true submissive, she obeys and serves, and nothing else. But it is her conscious, willful, consensual choice to serve. She isn’t blind, she isn’t an automaton, she is a human being, fully realized and empowered. She has found a Master, her man, her Dominant. She has found someone worth serving, worth being a slave to, someone who is worthy of her trust and devotion. Someone she loves and wants to serve. And there is no greater honor than being that man. And there is no greater responsibility in life than to be a Master. The true Master is taking on the absolute responsibility for the protection and well-being of His slave. She is his everything. Anything less is a betrayal of the Master and slave relationship. There is often this fear that becoming a slave means you loose your humanity, your sense of self, or your dignity in some way. The truth is nothing like that. In many ways the true submissive, the slave, is dropping away the sense of ego that gets in the way of her service. She stops thinking about “me”, or “I”, and learns to put her Master first. As this happens the slave slowly begins to accept that her place with her Master is the most fulfilling role she could have. She finds that happiness and contentment are more common and become her regular place of abode. In many ways true submission mirrors the Japanese concept of satori, of what the Buddhist’s call ‘enlightenment’ which is nothing more than accepting yourself as you are. While it often sounds like voodoo, or something hokey, to the new submissive, it is actually a well-documented fact. It won’t be easy all of time. It won’t always be a smooth road. The slave will make mistakes as will her Master. But the journey will be worth it, We will walk together hand-in-hand, and I will lead us – you only have to make the choice to follow.
- Safety First – Meeting a Potential Partner
I hear some very disturbing stories in the BDSM world from time to time. One of the things that really gets me is how often I hear about a first meeting between potential partners go wrong or come very close to going wrong. Quite often one of the people is just out looking for some quick sex and isn’t really interested in a BDSM relationship, or maybe the guy (yeah, it’s always guys) has some twisted fantasy about owning a personal sex slave and thinks he can get one through the BDSM scene. Or the fake dom who expects the potential sub to instantly follow them. The sub who actually wants to play brat and little in the middle of the coffee shop – before they even know the other person. I’ve heard of attempted kidnapping, attempted and successful rapes, and more. I know of at least one case from California’s high desert area where a first meeting ended up with a young girl forced into human trafficking for several weeks before she was found. This has to end. When you are meeting someone in the BDSM scene for the first time you have to take precautions and the more the better. No one in our world, who is responsible and caring, will fault you for taking those precautions or try to hold them against you. And in truth, every single person in the BDSM scene should be encouraging and practicing safe ways of meeting. So let’s consider a few basics. First. Vet, vet, vet your potential partners – something I will write about in other articles. Never meet someone online and instantly agree to go grab a coffee together. It’s not safe. Second, it’s all about your physical and emotional safety. And I am really gearing this primarily toward the women (subs or dommes) since they are far more likely to be victimized then men. You have to consider your physical safety first. Where do you meet? Always meet in a public place, there is absolutely no excuse or reason to meet the first few times at someones home, or someplace private, until you have a clearly established interest and knowledge of the person. Even then you need a safety net. Coffee shops and restaurants are great places to meet. The public areas in your local BDSM club can be very safe, and a good way to see if people know the person you’re meeting and their reputation. In fact, if you’re lucky enough to live near a BDSM club that has a public area for members or potential members and you tell them why you’re their, they will go out of their way to look out for you. Another good place to meet are bookstores, the local mall has a food court as well. A few public places I would avoid are bars, pool halls, places like that (unless you are a regular and know people who work there and can let them know to keep an eye out for you). Always pick places that you are familiar with and comfortable in. Also, ladies, do not give away your personal information, beyond what is necessary to vet you, when you’re first meeting someone. No addresses (though they can give you theirs). Once you’ve settled on a place to meet, you need to establish your safety net. First, pick a friend or family member and give them the details. Tell them where you are meeting, who you are meeting, what time you are meeting, what time you expect to end the meeting and what time you expect to get home. Then call them – don’t just text, text messages can be faked/sent by someone else or don’t really show stress in your voice if something is wrong. Call them when you get there. Call them when you end your meeting and again when you are safely home. Seriously, it’s worth the extra effort to be safe. In addition to phone calls, there are apps that do the same thing and can even share your location with friends for limited periods of time. You might also consider a secret word or two that lets your safe contact person know you are good or in trouble. Next, agree to set a time limit on the meeting with the other person and stick to it. No matter how well the meeting goes, end it when you said you were going to. Two reasons. One, it sets the time frame that your safety contact can rely on for when to expect your call. Two, it gives you a chance to see how the other person reacts. Do they get upset, do they try to push you past the agreed upon deadline, or do they respect the time, the agreement, and your safety? Now, lets suppose you’ve set up that first meeting. You have your safety net well in place, you’ve got people watching out for you. Now what? What do you look for when you actually meet? For me, I want to trust my instincts first. If your first instinct is that you don’t like or trust the other person, keep that at the forefront of the rest of the meeting. Don’t be afraid to trust your gut. You might decide later on that you were wrong and that’s okay, but when your first instinct is that there is something off, make it the job of the other person to overcome that reaction. Take it slow and really get to know someone. It isn’t just talking about sex and BDSM. Of course you want to know their history, their previous partners, their level of experience. But what about them? Is there abuse or trauma in their past that might affect your play? How about drugs, drinking, smoking – what are you okay with? Health, education, career, family, friends, hobbies, all of these together help give a better sense of the person. How do they treat you? Are they respectful and friendly? Do they have a sense of humor? Do you see the kind of things you are looking for in a potential partner? Do they try to manipulate the conversation, bully you or talk down at you? Let me just say, no matter how submissive you might be, you are NOT their submissive so they have no right to treat you as one or to be anything but one hundred percent respectful and your equal. That should be a huge red flag. Really, most of this is common sense. But in the excitement of meeting a potential partner, we often throw caution to the wind and want to rush in to find what we are looking for. In particular, if you’ve been without a partner for a while it might seem like you really just need to jump back in and get your feet (or something) wet. You’re craving that spanking. But it simply isn’t worth your personal safety and well-being to rush. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth looking out for.
- Newaza Video by Osada Steve
The Caressing Style of Yukimura Haruki. In 2008, Yukimura Haruki sensei organized a special kinbaku night at a theater in Golden Gai. Several of his students were given the opportunity to demonstrate their kinbaku in the Yukimura style. The video shows a 20-minute demo by Osada Steve with Asagi Ageha / 浅葱アゲハ as his model.
- The Spirituality of Dominance and Submission
by Terra Bloom Soon after my husband and I discovered BDSM, I was struck by the numerous ways in which sexual submission is similar to actual spiritual practices. The first is obvious: Submission is the experience of surrender in the most literal way. Eastern religions have long taught that when one is truly surrendered, relinquishing all power and control, allowing what happens without resistance, the ego momentarily dissolves and the soul is liberated. With his attention and approval, he frees me from guilt and shame about experiencing deep sexual pleasure. When I open my legs for him, he doesn’t tell me I am wicked or bad; rather, he tells me I am a “good girl.” The morality of sex feels like it is resting on its right foundation. This dissolved ego sense feels exactly like what happens within me when I submit, especially when my husband makes a sexual demand I have zero interest in at that moment. I’m usually in in the middle of doing something when he tells me, “I need my cock sucked now, babygirl.” I’ll feel a flash of annoyance, think ‘oh, not now.’ Then I go down on my knees and take him into my mouth anyway. My ego’s self-importance is—momentarily at least—defeated. I am serving something bigger than my own little wants. Or at night in bed, I’ll be half-falling asleep and he’ll say, “Open your legs, Daddy needs to touch you.” And even though I’m not ready for it, I let my legs fall open and lie still as he slips his fingers inside me. I allow, allow, let go. It’s even more effective if what he’s doing gets a little uncomfortable or there is a stray bit of pain. I’m not sure why, maybe because it’s a greater challenge to surrender. But almost always, as I yield to him, a sense of freedom overtakes me, freedom from my own will. It’s the only time I lose self-consciousness, when he gives me commands. I just do what he says, accept what is happening, and it becomes this spontaneous flowing thing, me serving him and his needs, following his dictates, no resistance, being here now, being present. Then there is the meditative quality that comes with being spanked and stimulated. By focusing on the pain and intense sensation as it arises in the moment, I am calmed. I find an explanation for this in a book called Radical Ecstasy. It beautifully explains how the centering of attention and focus in BDSM, is very much like meditation, and can lead to enlightened states. I also find spiritual reward in accepting the love of a man who, in such intense moments, represents “god the father” to me. It sounds sacrilegious, but while I of course do not consider my Daddy Dom to be an actual god, he becomes a meaningful symbolic stand-in for the fatherly aspect of a higher power. With his attention and approval, he frees me from guilt and shame about experiencing deep sexual pleasure. When I open my legs for him, he doesn’t tell me I am wicked or bad; rather, he tells me I am a “good girl.” The morality of sex feels like it is resting on its right foundation. Actually, my whole self finally feels like it is resting on a more solid foundation. When I submit, I no longer exist in the cramped loops of my own mind, where it is all about ‘me, me, me,’ what I think, or what I want. But neither am I flung away into the fickle disregard of the rest of the world. It is now all switched around: I am nothing to myself, but everything to him. It is relief. And what relief it must be for him, feeling unconditional acceptance from me, love without games. He doesn’t have to manipulate me in order to fuck me. He wants, he takes, he gets, no resistance, no self-doubt. He then becomes everything to me. Putting Me In My Place When I read the writing of other submissives, they often talk about being “put in their rightful place.” They usually refer to it in the context of kneeling, or otherwise making themselves subservient to their Dominant, as if their rightful place is below him or her, or less than him or her. But to me, a Dominant is the symbolic representation of life itself. When I turn my body over to my husband, make myself his sexual object, I come to understand that we are all sexual objects. We are all creations of nature and its sexual impulse toward union. Any sense we have of ourselves as an individual being separate from nature is an illusion. “We do not breathe so much as we are breathed by the universe,” said Alan Watts, the teacher who provided my first introduction to Eastern spiritual thought. I remember how struck I was by that idea, that life breathes us. We come into the world involuntarily, our hearts beat involuntarily, our breath fills us involuntarily, our sexual organs engorge with blood involuntarily. None of us are creations of our own will. And sexual submission allows me to embody that, understand and live that. It puts me in my place as a sexual being, created by life through lust. Once again, I go back to the words of Taoist sex teacher, Mantak Chia. “Sexual energy is the commander in chief of all the cells of the body. All cells in body and brain respond to the energy of sex, the commands of sex. It is our original pattern. Our original pattern.” Excerpted from the book, Ravish Me: A BDSM Memoir of Submission, by Terra Bloom.