In modern psychology we almost always talk about punishment in relationships in a negative light. Punishment, usually emotional punishment, causes distancing between partners and occurs when one person tries to punish another for what they perceive to be bad behavior. Often that perception is an ill-conceived one, arising from misperception and misconception of what the other was doing or thinking. Of course, physical punishment which is abusive must never be tolerated. But most often punishment is a more subtle type of behavior ranging from small things like ignoring someone, backhanded insults, or withholding basic affection, to larger more obvious acts like walking away from them, sleeping on the couch, or refusing sex. Yes, refusing to have sex with your partner is a form of punishment.
But contrary to what mainstream society likes to believe, partly as a result of our modern obsession with forced/coerced equality in all things, there is a place for punishment in a good relationship – when it is done right. Unfortunately punishment is usually done wrong. It is forced on the relationship and does not arise from a sense of wanting to better the relationship, helping the people involved to grow, rather it occurs as a way for one person to make themselves feel superior to the other (though usually without realizing it). Punishment in the BDSM community however, is a result of breaking a rule that has been purposefully and consensually negotiated, that occurs in a carefully controlled environment, and is for the purpose of bettering the person being punished. There are no random factors involved. There is in fact a very legalistic approach in that you can only be punished for those rules clearly set forth by the Dominant and agreed upon by the submissive. Through very transparent communication the exact boundaries of every relationship are laid out and everyone involved knows what is expected of them, what happens when they fail to live up to those expectations and how they will be punished.
I would like to note that many people, perhaps most, within the BDSM community as a whole, use the terms punishment and discipline interchangeably. In fact, because of the negative stigma often attached to the word punishment, discipline is by far the more commonly used word, as in Domestic Discipline. However, I prefer the term punishment. To me discipline is an active and ongoing process, as in “I need to discipline myself,” or “I am teaching her discipline.” Whereas punishment is a single act, that treats a single event, that once it is done, it is over with, the transgression is forgiven, and we move on. Punishment, done right, builds or reinforces discipline.
There is a proper way to punish your sub in the BDSM Lifestyle and I want to talk, very briefly, about the difference between how we do things and how they are typically done in more vanilla relationships as well as why I think our Lifestyle does this so much better. Remember, punishments are always part of a negotiated, consensual dynamic. They should, without exception, have been discussed and agreed upon long before a situation requiring punishment even occurs. In fact, punishments should be a part of the initial negotiation between partners. So let’s look very briefly at punishments in BDSM.
Punishments can take any number of forms. It can vary from spankings to writing sentences, standing in the corner or orgasm denial. Regardless of the method of punishment, it should be something that the Dominant feels is appropriate to the action being corrected and it should always be administered as soon as possible after a rule is broken.
There are a few common rules that occur around punishments that experienced Dominants always follow. We never punish in anger. If you are in a situation where your sub needs to be punished, but you are angry – walk away. You might tell her to stand in the corner in the meantime, but that should be the absolute maximum. Walk away and come back when you have allowed your anger to dissipate, never punish a sub when you are angry.
We never confuse punishment with ‘funishment’. This is one of those common mistakes that new Tops, or new Dominants make. When you punish, it should never be immediately followed by sexual gratification of either partner. It is too easy to fall into the trap of confusing punishment with play, of the sub beginning to equate the two.
We should always end the punishment with aftercare. Make sure the submissive is physically and mentally okay. This is not in any way detracting from the punishment, but the sub must know, when she is done being punished, that she will be cared for and that we are not abandoning her in any way.
Always, always, always, clearly state the reasons for the punishment before you begin, make sure the submissive clearly understands why she is being punished. It is a mistake to simply punish a submissive and she not understand exactly why she is being punished. A clearly articulated explanation, with the submissive in turn expressing her understanding, followed by the punishment sets up a chain of physical and psychological reactions that lead the sub to improve her behavior. Properly done, it should result in the growth of the submissive as she learns to avoid behavior that is unbecoming of her.
Perhaps most importantly, when a punishment is given, that is the absolute end of the matter. The Dom should never bring up that particular failure on the part of the submissive ever again, as a specific event. That is to say, she broke a rule in the morning, she is punished, the Dominant should not then continue to talk about the matter or hold it over her in any way. A pattern of repeated behavior might need to dealt with, but not as separate incidents. Once punished, the submissive is forgiven, cared for, and we move on.
Now, let us consider punishments in Vanilla relationships. The first thing that most people are going to think of when I bring this up is that there are no punishments in Vanilla relationships. But let’s consider that for a moment. Consider the couple who get into an argument because the husband came home after a long day at work and his partner spent the day in front of the TV and did nothing around the house, no cleaning, no cooking, nothing. Maybe they don’t have an agreement about who does what, like most vanilla couples they probably have pretty poor communication skills, the person at home felt they had a right to their day off and to do nothing but the person who worked all day felt they should be able to come home to a clean house. Where do we end up? The husband is upset, starts taking it out on the spouse, making petty comments, maybe ignores her or they end up arguing. Nothing is probably going to get settled, they both end up stewing in their own self-righteous anger, thinking how they are right and their partner is wrong. It is a punishment. They end up trying to punish one another and in turn punish themselves as well.
But in an established BDSM relationship that shares some form of D/s dynamic, we don’t have that problem, especially when the people involved are experienced, particularly the Dominant. Roles are established, rules are created, punishments are agreed upon, and most importantly good communication exists. There is a world of difference that we really need to consider. In a typical D/s dynamic, when the sub breaks the rules, she is punished, behavior is corrected, and the matter is concluded. In a typical vanilla relationship issues can go unresolved for long periods of time often resulting in a pattern of increasing hostility or apathy, in extreme cases even resulting in separation or, gods forbid, abuse. It is just one of the many, many advantages of having a relationship that is built around a D/s dynamic.
It’s something that I think more people both within the BDSM community and even those who will never be into our scenes should take to heart. There is a lot we can learn from the Domestic Discipline, Trad Wife, 1950’s Households, or just plain D/s type dynamics. Regardless of the specifics of your relationship, the principles behind punishment are fairly universal. Agree to a rule, if you break it you’re punished by the other partner. I’ve seen a few couples with a bedroom type D/s dynamic where they actually switch successfully implement it, but most of the time it works really well in full-time D/s relationships where one partner is always a Dominant.
One thing that I do want to bring up: what happens when the Dominant partner is the one not following rules or helping? Something that I have certainly been guilty of and I’m sure that all Dominants have been equally guilty of at different times. First, the real key here is the line of communication that exists between the submissive and the Dominant. Every proper D/s relationship has a strong foundation of communication, well beyond what the vast majority of people in modern society have ever taken on in their more vanilla relationships. If, as a Dominant or simply as a partner, I am failing in some task or chore, then my submissives have the right and the responsibility to talk to me about it (respectfully of course). And I do not have the right to get angry at them for pointing out my flaws and failures (when they are respectful and not acting bratty or petty). Quite the opposite, as the Dominant in my relationships, as the example to my partners, it is my number one duty to correct that behavior with myself. How can I, as the leader of my relationships, expect my subs to service me in any way if I am not taking care of them? You cannot be a Dominant and not be taking care of your subs. You cannot be a Dominant and not be setting a good example at all times. You cannot be a Dominant and set rules that you expect your subs to follow and then not follow your own rules.
And being a Dominant does not mean you don’t do anything in the relationship except boss your subs around. Even when your submissive is a full-on service sub who loves her calling and basically lives for you, you’ve got to do your share. If your D/s relationship exists only in the bedroom than you have a responsibility to care for her when you are in the bedroom playing. Way more so when that D/s dynamic begins to extend outside of the bedroom and becomes more than just sex. And those of us who live in 24/7 dynamics have a tremendous level of responsibility to insure that everything we are responsible for is being taken care of. Lifestyle BDSM is a far superior approach to long-term relationships than the more accepted approach to standard western marriage that we often refer to as vanilla and, when done right, produces a far happier and satisfied human being.