Jewish marriage is the coming together of a man and a woman, following those laws established in Torah, in a manner that honors God and in such a way that they are recognized by the Jewish community. Marriage, we must understand, has a divinely appointed purpose which is why the Christians refer to it as Holy Matrimony – a term that I really like as it honors the sacred relationship between a man and a woman in marriage. Holy Matrimony isn’t a civil license issued by the state, it is a covenant relationship between a man, a woman, and God. If the state refuses to recognize a Jewish marriage – that doesn’t negate the marriage. And just because the state recognizes a civil union doesn’t make it a Godly marriage.
So let’s make clear what qualifies as a Jewish marriage:
- Both the man and the woman must be Jewish.
- The woman must not be married. If divorced she must have a get.
- They cannot fall into the categories of kinship prohibited by Torah.
- A man may not marry a man, nor may a woman marry a woman.
- A marriage between a man and a wife must have the intention (kavanah) of being a lifelong commitment; marrying for political, civil, financial and other reasons are not valid.
Every other form of ‘marriage’ is a civil action that is recognized by the state, but is not Jewish nor recognized by God.
As Jews we have a duty to follow the just laws and duly-appointed leaders of the nation we live in, to the best of our ability, so long as those laws do not contravene the law of God. As a Rabbi I cannot marry a gay couple, or a Christian to a Jew. There are restrictions on what God recognizes as a legitimate marriage in the Bible. At the same time there are legitimate Jewish marriages that are not recognized by the state such as polygynous marriages. When a Jewish man takes a second Jewish wife, the state will not recognize that relationship – in fact, it is illegal pretty much everywhere. However, in this instance, as a Netzarim Rabbi, I have a duty to follow God’s law first and marry them – assuming there is no civil deceit.
As a quick side note, I would like to make a few observations on polygynous marriages. First, should a man take more than one wife it is his obligation to provide for them equally. Should one wife (encouraged by the husband or not) attempt to claim state benefits as a single-mother (provided she has a child), they are lying to the state and stealing from the welfare system. This is a sin. Even if the state does not recognize the marriage and would see her as single, in Gods eyes she is married. Second, no Jewish man may marry in secret. Taking a second wife without the first wife’s knowledge is a sin. These constitute adultery and are absolutely legitimate reasons for the first wife to divorce.
Part of the problem with modern Judaism is our embrace of secular values and conflating those with Biblical teaching. We then end up with a watered down approach to Torah. We have to separate Jewish and civil issues when they conflict with one another, we must never dumb down the Bible, or God’s laws, to the level of popular civil practice. Quite the opposite in fact, we should be striving to raise our civil laws to match what Torah requires of us.
Modern Jewish marriage is not the same as civil marriage. We need to stop following cultural trends in marriage, seeing marriage as a convenience that is easily disposed of, as something that reflects only secular values, as a tax break, or as a means to an end. As Jews we don’t marry for the sake of sexual pleasure and avoiding adultery, or for loneliness, to have children, or because it is expected. Rather, marriage is itself a good end; in one-flesh it is a reflection of the spiritual realities of God’s love for us. We marry to have a life long covenant of love between one man and a woman.
We have to stop mixing up the idea that all marriages are the same. That civil marriage equals Godly marriage. That God somehow approves of all marriages or that the LGBT agenda has the right to push/force their way into what should be strictly God’s territory. Anyone can and should be able to have a civil marriage, with no restrictions. But to call it a Jewish marriage, or to expect it to be recognized or blessed by God, it must abide by Torah, by the rules that God has given us. There can be no exceptions.