First, let me start by saying that no one should be forced to stay in the closet or to come out of the closet. Every single human being should be free to express their sexuality the way they choose to without fear of persecution or shame. Now, while I sincerely believe that everyone has a right to express themselves to the degree that they choose to be comfortable with, I also believe that hiding BDSM in the closet is actually doing a grave disservice to the community.
To explain where I am coming from let’s briefly compare BDSM with the LGBTQ+ communities. Hiding the gay or transgender people in the closet made all of us straight CIS-types more comfortable in the past. We didn’t have to challenge our own preconceived notions of how people were supposed to be. But it isn’t right and it hurts the people who can’t simply be who they are. The rates of suicide and depression are way higher in LGBTQ+ groups where so many are still to this day stigmatized for who they are. When the LGBTQ+ communities are unable to get the help they need that the rest of us take for granted, or to live and present themselves in the way that is most comfortable to them, they end up living lives that are never going to be happy or satisfying. And all of us deserve a chance at a happy life.
With the prominent rise of the gay-rights movements, with human beings who are anything but your typical straight person coming out of the closets and forcing people to deal with them, to recognize their rights to be who they want to be, we are slowly starting to live in a slightly better world. Because of the those members of the LGBTQ+ communities who are willing to sacrifice their own comfort and security to stand up for what’s right. Yes, there are still a lot of places where you can’t really be gay, or transgender, or whatever. Yes, we still have a long ways to go. But it’s a lot better than it was twenty or thirty years ago. And in twenty or thirty more years, I sincerely hope we are way past all of this and being gay, or transgender, or any other mix of sexuality and gender you choose, is as normal and acceptable as being a white cis male is. We are all human beings after all.
But it has been a painful fight to gain the recognition and rights that exist today and it took a lot of courage from their communities to make it so and it will continue to be a struggle for a while longer. BDSM is in the same basic place the LGBTQ+ communities were a few decades ago. We’re moving into the mainstream, albeit slowly, and with as many setbacks as steps forward. Mainstream media has made BDSM more acceptable, particularly 50 Shades (which despite a host of issues really did help us), but a whole host of other movies and TV shows as well. However, there are still hundreds of laws in hundreds of places, that make consensual sexual acts, or lifestyle choices, between consenting adults illegal if they don’t conform to the socioreligious interpretations of vanilla types.
Those of us who live lifestyles that are still counter-culture need to stand up and say no to persecution and discrimination. And the more of us who are willing to come out of the closet ,the more mainstream our lifestyle becomes, the more vanilla people have to face the reality that BDSM isn’t some twisted sick thing. And I’m not saying it’s an easy to do. Some of us are fortunate enough to be in positions or live in places where it is far more socially acceptable. Others of you do not. But we need to work on this.
One of my biggest concerns isn’t really that BDSM needs to be in the limelight everywher, or that everyone should practice it, that’s ridiculous. Kink must always be a personal, consensual choice. No, my concern is the lack of mainstream education that exists for people who are interested in experimenting or trying out different things. Despite the increased proliferation of information that exists with the Internet today, it still takes a new person a long time to figure out who to listen to, what to read, what is safe, what BDSM really is (and isn’t). And along the way it isn’t that unusual to get fed a lot of bad or false information, to develop bad habits, to fall victim to abusive partners, and suffer devastating trauma. All of which could be avoided, at least to a large degree, if BDSM were more accepted, more available.
Do I think everyone should run out and announce that they are living in a 24/7 D/s dynamic? No, I do not. People have to make a living. People have careers and families to think about. Societal pressures are very real and can be devastating forces when used wrong. People who are stuck living in small-town USA, in the middle of the Bible-belt, or in many places outside of the US such as the Middle East, may be stuck having to keep their kinks hidden away. But for those who can live openly, I would encourage you to do so, at least to some degree. Peek out of the closet just a bit, stick a hand out, take a small step out, and let’s start doing our part to make the world more accepting of who we are. We still have a ways to go, but it has to start somewhere.