I’ve seen a lot of discussion lately on how slaves and submissives should act in public. And even more questions from people who are new to the lifestyle. Unfortunately, I’ve also seen some really bad advice from people who might mean well, but really don’t understand that you just don’t break a 24/7 D/s dynamic because you aren’t at home. Some couples are afraid of other people finding out or embarrassed about what their family might say so they keep their dynamic hidden from view, playing only in the home. And that is okay if that is what you want. If your BDSM is strictly bedroom play, if your kink is just fun at home, that is perfectly acceptable and anyone should feel comfortable with that decision. This becomes an issue when people start claiming they ‘live the lifestyle 24/7’ but don’t have a clue how to act in public.
One of the misconceptions that I think a lot of people have, particularly vanilla outsiders and those new to BDSM, is that being in a 24/7 D/s or M/s dynamic somehow means that you are going out in public wearing a leash, or fetish gear, or nude. It’s rather unfortunate, but the internet and bad BDSM porn, has really left a lot of people with some really fucked up ideas of what the lifestyle is really like. I had someone tell me recently that she thought people who took their dynamic into the public space should be ashamed of themselves, doing things around kids or innocent people. And that kind of attitude is really more common than I’d like to think since so many people conflate all aspects of Lifestyle BDSM with fetish and kinky sex. So first, let me state clearly that you do not have to be into any fetish or kinky sexual play to practice many aspects of BDSM. I also want to share that I (and a number of couples that I know) have raised perfectly happy children while living 24/7 lifestyles. Anyone who says they can’t get into BDSM because they have kids, or because they live with their parents, or vanilla roommates, just isn’t trying hard enough.
My submissives and slaves are all required to follow my rules once they belong to me. These rules never break, they are always in effect, even around family, friends or at work. That being said, it is my responsibility to insure that I am not creating arbitrary rules that might hurt my women in some way, cause them distress with their vanilla friends, cause any sort of animosity with their families (all of whom I get along great with), or interfere with their careers. Most of the rules that I have in place for public spaces make us look a bit old-fashioned to some people but very seldom raise any eyebrows. I do not ever force any high protocol behavior in public, though on occasion a slave may feel more secure by doing certain things, like kneeling by my side when I am sitting because she is feeling particularly needy. I won’t stop them if they really need to, but I also don’t encourage it. Most of these rules are based in old-school etiquette and would be familiar to many people. One last thing, I am not averse to punishing my slaves in public. Nothing excessive, but I will spank them when they break the rules, even in the middle of Macy’s.
These are some of the rules that I have implemented:
- Slaves may only wear clothes that I have approved (most of the time they have to wear dresses and skirts, it’s what I enjoy).
- Slaves may not go out in public in a slovenly manner (in other words, no pajamas and slippers with bed head).
- When crossing the street or walking through parking lots, they must hold hands with me.
- When walking on sidewalks they must walk on the inside unless I specifically indicate otherwise.
- In public they must always be within arms reach of me, no wandering off or stopping to look at things without asking for permission.
- When going to a restroom they must ask me for permission, I will accompany them and wait outside for them, if I am using the restroom they must wait right outside for me, no wandering off.
- Slaves are not allowed to open their own doors outside of our home with the exception of exiting the car (which I sometimes revoke) or public restrooms.
- They cannot speak to strangers without permission and I often order for them at restaurants.
- They must always wear a collar in public, though for family or work day collars are perfectly acceptable.
- Slaves are not allowed to keep secrets, if they are in a situation where they start feeling overwhelmed, pressured, etc., (too big a crowd, someone is making them uncomfortable, and so on), they are to tell me immediately so I can handle it.
These are the majority of our public rules. A few other things that I require include all of us being able to contact one another at all times. When we are apart I expect each slave to check in with me every hour, just a quick ‘hi’ text is sufficient, exceptions might be when I know they are at work or they are going to a movie together, things like that. We all share our personal contacts with a location sharing app using family sharing, so we all know exactly where each other is at all times.
Ultimately, every dynamic has to find the rules that work for them. In some situations the dynamic might include public kink or fetish play, particularly if you live in places where it’s possible. But that is rare, so you need to find ways to keep your submissives, your slaves, in the proper mindset regardless of where you are. My rules may not work for you, but they work well for me. Find your own way, don’t be afraid to adjust and change the rules to find what works best for you. Remember that the slaves public behavior is a direct reflection of their Master, encourage them and reinforce positive behavior, be proud of them in public. Most importantly, never let anyone tell you that you can’t live your lifestyle your way. 24/7 BDSM is a very real and very possible lifestyle, go out and live it.