A boot camp is a short, intense, rigorous, and focused period of training that has two specific goals: to teach new skills and to instill new habits in place of old. For example, a military boot camp is designed to take a civilian and give them the skills necessary to work and survive as a soldier in a relatively short period of time (usually just two to three months). A BDSM boot camp is designed to give someone an introduction to the skills and lifestyle so that they will be comfortable in the community that they are interested in joining.
The BDSM boot camp really has its roots in the Leather community (where they are often referred to as Runs). They usually occur over a short period of time from a weekend to as long as a week, often taking place during major fetish fairs, but may also be scheduled to run by different organizations. Outside the leather community, the are often run by local dungeons, private organizations, or put on by professional Dominants in the community. Again, these usually run from just a few short days to a week, though I have heard of a few that run longer. The other type of boot camp has its origin in the Domestic Discipline communities and has become fairly common in Taken In Hand (TIH) or 1950s type households.
The Domestic Discipline type of boot camp is what I like to refer to as a Lifestyle Boot Camp. It is a boot camp that is really designed to help the submissive partner take on the role in a way that it becomes a natural part of who they are. Being submissive is of course a natural part of who someone is, but acting submissive to a particular person often has to be taught, the mannerisms, the habits, the acts, etc., that a particular Dominant wants out of the submissive must be learned and old/bad habits, often deeply ingrained by society, overcome. These types of boot camps are run within the confines of a private relationship, they take place in the home not in a private club or under the dominion of a professional. However, they are not the same as D/s or M/s play, they are not a scene; the BDSM Lifestyle Boot Camp is a tool to help both the Dom and the sub grow in their relationship dynamic.
The Lifestyle BDSM boot camp usually lasts a minimum of three weeks, I personally think four weeks is a good length for most people. After the first boot camp, it can then be repeated for shorter periods of time, a weekend or a week, once a year, or more, as desired or needed. But we break down the specifics of running your own boot camp, I’d like to mention a few caveats.
First, a lifestyle boot camp is not something one does with a brand new partner. For example, if I were to bring a new sub into my existing dynamic, I would not want to start a boot camp the first week she lived with us. We would want to spend several weeks setting ground rules, building our relationships, getting to know one another better first. After she was well established in our home, perhaps after a month or so, then I would want to start a boot camp. This allows her to learn and grow in an environment she is already comfortable in and not have to adjust to new partners, new living arrangements, a new lifestyle and do a boot camp all at the same time.
Second, a Dominant should never run more than one boot camp at a time. Boot camps are extremely taxing for both partners and trying to do it for more than one person will lead the Dominant to make too many mistakes, cut too many corners, and end up watering down the entire experience for both people involved. You then end up with unsatisfactory results and feeling as if you wasted your time. If the Dominant has more than one sub, their boot camps should be run one at a time, with at least a short break between them.
Third, a lifestyle boot camp only occurs between two people. In dynamics where more than two people are involved, it is very important that the Dominant insure that all of the related interaction occur only between one Dominant and one submissive. For example, in a household with two subs, the Dominant want to insure that all of the boot camp interaction occurs between Him and her only and that interactions between the two subs should be standard interactions and the sub not in boot camp should strive to be supportive of her new partner. Conversely, in the more rare situation where a sub might have two Dominants (i.e. a caregiver Daddy Dom and maybe a sadist Dom), it is very important that the second Dominant try to be supportive and perhaps even refrain from excessive communication or orders during the boot camp. We want to avoid any confusion over dynamics, over power and authority in the relationship.
Fourth, a Lifestyle Boot Camp is not the time to be introducing new rules or lifestyle changes. All of the basic rules for the relationship should be fully negotiated and in place before the boot camp begins and the sub should already be comfortable and knowledgeable with them. It will be stressful enough for both the Dom and the sub as is, trying to make changes during the process only makes things worse. Also, not all of the rules need to be in place. The main rules that dominate the relationship must be there of course, but others can certainly be introduced later as the relationship grows. Further, for those dynamics with multiple subs, all of the rules that are in play during the boot camp should already exist for all subs. The sub going through the boot camp should not see any sign of favoritism that might cause resentment or a feeling of unfair treatment and should know that other subs have already done the boot camp or will be doing it next.
One caveat that I would like to mention. Boot camps for BDSM are not about breaking or tearing down a submissive. They do not involve forced behavior and you should never use a boot camp type of approach to try and impose a lifestyle or behavior patterns onto someone who isn’t certain about wanting this type of lifestyle or is new and just trying things out. A boot camp is for a sub who is consenting to enter into a deeper, more intense, level of ‘service’ to the Dominant.
Running the BDSM Lifestyle Boot Camp
Step 1. Negotiation & Setup
As with all aspects of our lifestyle, everything needs to be negotiated up front and fully consensual. The boot camp is not a place for surprises or sudden changes.
The boot camp requires a pretty radical shift in mindset for both people and really the first part of this is setting yourself up for success. The boot camp is not a normal D/s relationship tool, it is definitely not a tool for those who are simply topping/bottoming in the bedroom. The mindset requires you to enter into a pure Master/slave dynamic for the length of it. The sub must think of the Dominant as her Master and the Dominant must embrace the role of Master. The submissive will be practicing her submission through the complete abandonment of her will; by removing all of the obstacles to submission, all of the programming of life and society, all of the options that daily life provides, the submissive enters a slave state of mind, no longer needing to struggle against the internal debates that get in the way of authentic submission and she allows the Master to truly Lead and Dominate.
During the boot camp the slave will fully relinquish all rights to choose, to make her own decisions, to oppose, to contradict, to argue, or question her Master. From the smallest decisions to the largest, everything belongs to her Master. It is this mindset that has to rule the entire period of the boot camp. Furthermore, the Master must accept the responsibility of making every decision, no matter how small, putting her needs first. In many ways, this boot camp is much more difficult for the Dominate than the submissive, she has but to bend her will to Him, He has to exercise His authority and will in every moment of every day, and His every failure becomes very obvious and potentially damaging to the dynamic. While no one is perfect, the quest for perfection in decision making has to be a primary goal here.
The Master must strive to be the ideal Leader, not just the stereotypical Dominant, bossy and demanding, but a true living example of the ethical Master. Otherwise a boot camp that should leave to a profound shift in the dynamic, a radical growth in the relationship, will end in destructive behavior. The Master is tasting true power, perhaps for the first time ever, and in doing so He must learn to wield it, mastering both Himself and the submissive simultaneously. If the Dominant learns to exercise His power intelligently and efficiently, without wavering, His slave will come out of the boot camp with a true sense of her submission, stronger in her ability to be authentically His. It is a deliberate practice of trust and devotion unlike any other.
Step 2. The Process
- Practice Authority. Every day the Dominant must be continually exerting his Authority. Not just in answering questions, making decisions or allowing/denying the submissive’s requests, but He has to make her do things at random times that constantly push her out of her established comfort zone. It might be in the middle of her favorite show, in the middle of a meal, while at work or even waking her up in the middle of the night. The orders might be sexual, they might be punitive, they might be completely random, the point is to exercise Authority in a decisive manner. The submissive should have to do things during difficult periods of time (like the middle of the night) to show that her Master is always in control and that there is no time or place that He is not. During this time the Dominant should practice using a tone and voice that demands obedience. He should treat most interactions as orders to the submissive, and he should do it because he can and for no other reason. It is important that the Dominant embrace His power.
- Practice submission. The submissive is to be completely powerless and to make absolutely no decisions on her own during the boot camp. When at home absolutely nothing should be done without the Masters permission. She must ask to use the restroom, to sit on a couch, to stand up from the couch, to eat, to drink, to watch TV, to use a cell phone, to lie down in bed, to get up from the bed, to open the refrigerator, to put on or remove clothing, every single decision is in her Masters hands. If she works she must do her job to the best of her ability, but she must constantly check in with her Master, she must obey any orders He sends her – even if they are detrimental to the job (however, it is the Masters obligation and responsibility to exercise power in an ethical manner). The submissive should relax herself to the extant possible, take comfort in the lack of power, in the lack of necessity to make decisions – float through the day doing only as she is told.
- Daily Spanking. Every day should begin with a maintenance spanking. The swats can be few or many, vary from day to day, but they should not be soft. The spanking should be painful, done with an instrument that is not used for fun, it should leave an impression and serve as a reminder throughout the day of the Masters power over the submissives body. It may be necessary, or simply please the Master, to administer additional spankings at other times as maintenance.
- Maintenance spankings should be done randomly to please the Master.
- She should be ordered to ask for spankings at various times and to choose the method or instrument she will be spanked with (in a manner she does not enjoy, this is not funishment).
- Some spankings should be done without an instrument but with the bare hand on a bare bottom.
- The submissive must always thank the Master for the spankings regardless of the reason for them.
- Position Training. Every day should include some period of position training, kneeling, standing in the corner, assuming a punishment position even without punishment. The Master may do this over and over, at random times, for random lengths of time. It may be a few minutes a day, even hours, all at the pleasure of the Master. Do not tell the submissive how long she will be in those positions, she must learn to accept the order with no desire for anything but to obey and serve.
- Address. The submissive should address the Master as Sir or Master at all times throughout the boot camp. At no time should the submissive be allowed to use names or terms of endearment, even in public.
- Journaling. Another common practice during the boot camp is to have the submissive write lines that specifically reinforce the dynamic and to journal and write about specific topics. This is probably not a good time for reflective journaling but should instead be short paragraphs or essays about specific subjects as directed by the Master.
- Chores. This may vary depending on the specific living and working conditions of the submissive. If she has a list of chores that are done on a daily or regular basis, that should be continued. In addition, the Master should randomly have the submissive do different chores around the home. These chores might be household cleaning, giving foot or back massages, organizing a pantry or kitchen shelves, cleaning restroom, dusting, etc. This might include errands to be done outside of the home as well. At least some of these should be done when the Master is not around, it helps to reinforce the trust that the submissive will do as instructed even outside of the Masters presence.
- Punishment. Every single infraction, failure, rule breaking, must be punished. The punishment should be decisive, it should be done as soon as possible, even in public if necessary. It is very important that punishment not become funishment, that a spanking for breaking a rule not end in sex. Punishment should be painful, but as always, the submissive must be cared for afterwords to insure she understands that her punishment is to help her grow, does not come from a place of anger, and that the Master forgives and moves on.
- Nudity. Depending on the submissive, the Dominant may want to enforce periods of nudity where the submissive is not allowed any clothing. This will be less effective with submissives who enjoy nudity or are regularly nude or nearly nude around the house however it can still be done. This produces a level of vulnerability that does not occur with clothing on and is a good time to give the submissive lectures or teaching on various subjects. In addition, at all times the submissive should only wear what the Dominant directs her to. She should always be dressed in clothing that facilitates the Dominants pleasure.
- Instruction. There should be periods of instruction where the Dominant lectures the submissive on various aspects of the BDSM Lifestyle, on various aspects of D/s relationships, etc. This may take the form of the Dominant reading out of books to her, watching videos or other things. There may be periods of instruction where the Dominant will have the submissive practice certain things or even be the subject of the Dominants own practice. For example, the Dominant may wish to practice new flogging or rope techniques on the submissive. However, they should not be completely new practices, that is, if the submissive has never been tied up before or has never been flogged, do not introduce it as a wholly new practice.
- Sexual Activity. At absolutely no point during the boot camp should the submissive be pleasured because she wants it. The entire boot camp is about her submission to the Master. He should take her whenever He desires; this is sex on demand entirely for the Masters pleasure, she has absolutely no say in the matter. Most sexual activity should no involve the submissives pleasure, but the Master may certainly allow her to orgasm as He wishes. No new kink play should be introduced during this time and the submissive should never have her hard limits or boundaries broken (or pushed) despite the nature of the boot camp. During the boot camp there should be far more sex than normal for the couple. The Master should randomly take the submissive, often waking her during the night for His pleasure. Ideally, the submissive should never go more than a few hours without having to please the Master in some way.
- Communication periods. Every day must include a period of time, 15-30 minutes on average, longer if necessary, where the Dominant and submissive can talk without restriction. The pair should sit at a designated location, the same spot used every day, and it should be a place that they do not normally sit during the day. During this time the submissive must maintain a respectful and submissive attitude and continue to refer to the Dominant as Sir or Master. However, she should be able to speak her mind, not have to ask permission to say something, be able to speak without fear of punishment or recrimination and with the knowledge that the Dominant will take what she says into consideration, though not necessarily that He will change anything. In many ways this is one of the most important parts of the boot camp. The submissive must know that she is able to speak to her Dominant, that He is not neglecting her, that she should not develop any feelings of abandonment, etc.
A Lifestyle BDSM Boot Camp will look a little different for every couple that runs it. Depending on the specific living conditions it can vary quite a bit in outward appearance. I have heard of it being done in households where there are children present, in households where there are roommates, and with a couple who lived with the submissive’s family. It can be done by any couple who really wants to deepen their trust, their level of commitment and intimacy, and reinforce their D/s or M/s dynamic. There are no hard and fast rules, it should be modified slightly to fit the dynamic of the people involved, but for maximum effect it should stay pretty close to the outline above.