I hear some very disturbing stories in the BDSM world from time to time. One of the things that really gets me is how often I hear about a first meeting between potential partners go wrong or come very close to going wrong. Quite often one of the people is just out looking for some quick sex and isn’t really interested in a BDSM relationship, or maybe the guy (yeah, it’s always guys) has some twisted fantasy about owning a personal sex slave and thinks he can get one through the BDSM scene. Or the fake dom who expects the potential sub to instantly follow them. The sub who actually wants to play brat and little in the middle of the coffee shop – before they even know the other person. I’ve heard of attempted kidnapping, attempted and successful rapes, and more. I know of at least one case from California’s high desert area where a first meeting ended up with a young girl forced into human trafficking for several weeks before she was found. This has to end.
When you are meeting someone in the BDSM scene for the first time you have to take precautions and the more the better. No one in our world, who is responsible and caring, will fault you for taking those precautions or try to hold them against you. And in truth, every single person in the BDSM scene should be encouraging and practicing safe ways of meeting.
So let’s consider a few basics. First. Vet, vet, vet your potential partners – something I will write about in other articles. Never meet someone online and instantly agree to go grab a coffee together. It’s not safe.
Second, it’s all about your physical and emotional safety. And I am really gearing this primarily toward the women (subs or dommes) since they are far more likely to be victimized then men. You have to consider your physical safety first. Where do you meet? Always meet in a public place, there is absolutely no excuse or reason to meet the first few times at someones home, or someplace private, until you have a clearly established interest and knowledge of the person. Even then you need a safety net. Coffee shops and restaurants are great places to meet. The public areas in your local BDSM club can be very safe, and a good way to see if people know the person you’re meeting and their reputation. In fact, if you’re lucky enough to live near a BDSM club that has a public area for members or potential members and you tell them why you’re their, they will go out of their way to look out for you. Another good place to meet are bookstores, the local mall has a food court as well. A few public places I would avoid are bars, pool halls, places like that (unless you are a regular and know people who work there and can let them know to keep an eye out for you). Always pick places that you are familiar with and comfortable in.
Also, ladies, do not give away your personal information, beyond what is necessary to vet you, when you’re first meeting someone. No addresses (though they can give you theirs).
Once you’ve settled on a place to meet, you need to establish your safety net. First, pick a friend or family member and give them the details. Tell them where you are meeting, who you are meeting, what time you are meeting, what time you expect to end the meeting and what time you expect to get home. Then call them – don’t just text, text messages can be faked/sent by someone else or don’t really show stress in your voice if something is wrong. Call them when you get there. Call them when you end your meeting and again when you are safely home. Seriously, it’s worth the extra effort to be safe. In addition to phone calls, there are apps that do the same thing and can even share your location with friends for limited periods of time. You might also consider a secret word or two that lets your safe contact person know you are good or in trouble.
Next, agree to set a time limit on the meeting with the other person and stick to it. No matter how well the meeting goes, end it when you said you were going to. Two reasons. One, it sets the time frame that your safety contact can rely on for when to expect your call. Two, it gives you a chance to see how the other person reacts. Do they get upset, do they try to push you past the agreed upon deadline, or do they respect the time, the agreement, and your safety?
Now, lets suppose you’ve set up that first meeting. You have your safety net well in place, you’ve got people watching out for you. Now what? What do you look for when you actually meet? For me, I want to trust my instincts first. If your first instinct is that you don’t like or trust the other person, keep that at the forefront of the rest of the meeting. Don’t be afraid to trust your gut. You might decide later on that you were wrong and that’s okay, but when your first instinct is that there is something off, make it the job of the other person to overcome that reaction.
Take it slow and really get to know someone. It isn’t just talking about sex and BDSM. Of course you want to know their history, their previous partners, their level of experience. But what about them? Is there abuse or trauma in their past that might affect your play? How about drugs, drinking, smoking – what are you okay with? Health, education, career, family, friends, hobbies, all of these together help give a better sense of the person.
How do they treat you? Are they respectful and friendly? Do they have a sense of humor? Do you see the kind of things you are looking for in a potential partner? Do they try to manipulate the conversation, bully you or talk down at you? Let me just say, no matter how submissive you might be, you are NOT their submissive so they have no right to treat you as one or to be anything but one hundred percent respectful and your equal. That should be a huge red flag.
Really, most of this is common sense. But in the excitement of meeting a potential partner, we often throw caution to the wind and want to rush in to find what we are looking for. In particular, if you’ve been without a partner for a while it might seem like you really just need to jump back in and get your feet (or something) wet. You’re craving that spanking. But it simply isn’t worth your personal safety and well-being to rush. You’re worth more than that. You’re worth looking out for.