The BDSM social media world seems to be inundated with hyper-masculine, fake-ass Alpha-male types, who act like douches, run around like players, treat women like crap and call themselves Dominants. But are they? So often the behavior that I see online, and in real life, isn’t that of a Dominant but of a douche. Men who use physical strength to forcefully overpower when they lack the mental strength to truly dominate. These men are just bullies, taking advantage of vulnerable submissives, using and degrading women for their own pleasure. Rather than caring and protecting their submissive, they are abusing them. They are not real Dominants.
Obviously there is a lot of variation, of personality and differences in D/s dynamics, between individual Dominants. But all real Dominants have a number of traits in common and it is these traits that I want to consider in this article. Consider this a guide for anyone walking a Dominate path or maybe thinking that is where they are meant to be but trying to discover their place in the BDSM world. Furthermore, every submissive should know what constitutes a real Dominant, not just someone playing dress-up, or faking their way through our world.
I believe that every real Dominant will display all of these traits, to some degree. We are not, of course, identical copies of one another, none of us will share these traits in the same way, but we all have them and they aren’t something we need to dig deep to find. Every Dominant will have these traits as clear aspects of their personality, of their daily lives, in their interactions with everyone around them (not just with their subs), in their work and social lives, in public and private, and they will have a long and demonstrable history of these traits.
The Dominant has self-control
Self-control is probably the preeminent trait that every good Dominant will exhibit. Consider the lifestyle, the D/s or M/s relationship is centered around the idea of control, the submissive willingly giving it up and the Dominant gladly assuming it. But how can any Dominant even begin to control His submissive if He can’t control His own life. A real Dominant is in control of His actions, of His emotions, of His wants and desires. A real Dominant does not need to threaten, to scream and yell, to get His point across, to control a sub. A real Dominant is not needy, whiny, desperate for their place, they know who they are and are in control at all times.
We often think of being a Dominant as being in control of someone else. The images we enjoy of subs being tied up, in bondage, of doing whatever we want, all Dominants love this, but it isn’t what being a Dominant is, it’s a side effect. Being in control of oneself is where all external control originates from and it means denying ourselves as often as allowing ourselves to enjoy. We can pretty much all exercise some degree of self-control, its an essential aspect of our ability to interact with others in daily life. But the ability to exercise regular control, over extended periods of time, is a whole other thing. Particularly in lifestyle BDSM where control between a D/s relationship is 24/7, the Dominant has to be able to control Himself and His sub without breaking himself or His sub.
Finally, self-control exhibits itself as patience. The patient Dominant can spend exorbitant amounts of time pleasing another without being overwhelmed with His own desire. The patient Dominant will not rush a sub or potential sub into anything they aren’t ready for. The patient Dominant will never rush a scene or an important decision. The patient and in control Dominate will not rush to judgements or punishments concerning mistakes their sub makes.
If a man claiming to be a Dominant lacks self-control, self-discipline, they are not a real Dominant. It should reflect in their daily lives, in everything from their appearance to their lifestyle, from their job to the home, from their relationships with friends and family to how they deal with strangers.
The Dominant recognizes your gift of submission
When a woman submits to a Dominant it is a Gift of surrender. True submission can never be taken and there is no more special thing that can occur between two people. True submission in a woman is not something she does but rather it is who she is to her core, it is a gift of herself as a whole being. It is the submissive demonstrating her complete faith and trust that the Dominant will exercise control over her in a loving and caring manner, that He will not abuse the privilege of her submission, and while He will certainly derive great pleasure from her body and mind, she knows that ultimately everything He does is to her benefit.
Many years ago I read something to the effect that submission is not a flower that should be plucked out of the the ground and put on public display, rather it is a rose (or sunflower for my /s) that needs to be watered, carefully pruned, and above all loved in the full light of the sun to bloom and display the fullness of its beauty.
A gift is something given with no expectation of return. When we give a birthday gift to a child, we don’t expect the child to reciprocate, we give because of the joy it brings us to see how happy they are in receiving the gift (and playing with it). The submissive gifts herself in the same way. But the Dominant is not a child. He recognizes the gift she has given and while He revels in it, He knows that the submissive needs everything He is and everything He can give to her. Dominance is not a gift to her as some inexperienced or role-playing Doms tend to think. Real Dominance is a responsibility, a receiving of gift freely given but never taken advantage of, ultimately resulting in an equal exchange of power.
The Dominant earns respect
Respect is earned never given. Basic respect is often automatic around certain people, you meet someone and something about them causes you to instantly respect them – at least initially. But keeping that respect comes from the way a person treats others, how they act in any social settings, how they behave in private, even how they treat themselves. A Dominant earns respect because He is always honorable, always keeps His word,. Your respect for a true Dominant will always increase as you spend more time with or around Him. A real Dominant isn’t going around demanding respect, like a petty Eric Cartman in an episode of South Park. They will continually earn your respect, just as you will earn theirs. And should a sub ever find that respect for their Dominant slipping she needs to take a quick step back and reassess their situation.
Some of the ways that any real Dominant will earn respect include: never bullying or forcing a submissive, always respecting boundaries and limits, not going off on a tirade over every perceived breach of respect, being true to their word (even in the little stuff), He doesn’t assume anything about her. Outside of the individual D/s relationship, a Dominant earns respect within the community in much the same way. They don’t pop up on the scene and begin instantly demanding respect, they spend the time and are willing to learn from those who have been around for longer, they are willing to share their ideas but without the assumption that they are right, and most importantly they understand that their way is not the only way (and might not even be the right way).
The Dominant is intelligent
One of the first red flags that I always notice in so-called Dominants is an unwillingness to learn and acquire knowledge. When I hear that a new or potential Dominant is unwilling to read about the BDSM lifestyle, is unwilling to study techniques, safety, lifestyle issues, etc., when I hear that a Dominant is unwilling to learn, it is always an instant and very serious warning that this is not a real Dominant but someone topping or just playing a role. Being a Dominant requires a great deal of knowledge and the unwillingness to learn means one doesn’t care about their partner. Even if you don’t like to read, or your lifestyle makes taking dedicated time out to research difficult, or you struggle with mental blocks that make it difficult to concentrate long enough to learn, the real Dominant will make themselves find a way (see self-control above).
The Dominant must know what toys are, how to use them, and how not to use them. He must know how to take care of His equipment and how to keep it clean and safe – even within fluid-bonded or established relationships. He must know how to handle emergencies, how to be safe, how to push limits without crossing boundaries, how to plan a scene (and when to stop it even if the sub doesn’t safeword). He must know how to effectively correct behavior and how to punish. How to provide proper aftercare and when a sub requires different types of aftercare. The list of things a good Dominant has to know is long and the learning never really ends.
Beyond that though, there is a certain intelligence that all experienced, quality Doms exhibit. Think of it as emotional intelligence, that ability to read and understand other people outside of the realm of verbal communication. They understand, recognize and respond to the sub’s body language and emotional cues.
The Dominant is honest
While the idea of honesty goes along with that of respect, it is important enough to demand its own listing as an essential trait of the real Dominant. The Dominant is a man of His word. He says what He means and means what He says. He does His utmost to always be live up to any promises and works hard to correct those times he fails to. The real Dominant is a man that any sub feels she can trust because she knows He will be truthful with her. Consider that any D/s relationship is built on trust, the submissive will never truly submit until she trusts her Dominant, and no one trusts a man who is not honest.
This applies just as much outside the D/s relationship as well. Honesty is something that can’t be picked and chosen, either you are an honest person or you are not. Do your coworkers, family, friends trust your word? Or do you have a history of letting people down and not doing what you say you will? If a sub is trying to vet a potential Dominant, particularly when there is the potential for an intimate relationship, or a live-in relationship, it is not unwise to reach out to the people who know the potential Dom and see what their opinion is of the person. Any good Dominant will be surrounded by people who have a high image of Him (even if they don’t know about His BDSM lifestyle.
The Dominant is compassionate, courteous and humble
I tend to think of these three traits, of being compassionate, of being courteous and of being humble, as linked together as I have never met a human being who had one and lacked the others. Humility is the willingness to admit when we are wrong, that we do not know it all. Humility is indicative of a person who knows themself and their current limits and is accepting of them, It means they feel self-worth. It also means that they know and acknowledge that they are not infallible or omnipotent – the humble person is not suffering a god-complex, something that is so common in fake Dominants.
Courtesy reflects a humble person. Courtesy is a willingness to treat everyone with grace and kindness. It is a recognition that we are all human beings, that subs as well as dominants deserve equal care and equal compassion. It is a recognition that being Dominant does not mean being better than someone else and especially not your submissive. The Dominant will always be courteous to His submissive, to other subs, He never treats submissives as doormats. Courtesy does not mean, however, letting other people walk over Him, He is a Dominant after all.
Compassion reflects a degree of empathy that indicates you care about others, even if you can’t do anything to help, you recognize need. It often displays in how we are courteous to others and stems from our humility and recognition that we are not better and that, ‘there but for the grace of god go I’. The Dominant recognizes the needs of His submissive and tries His best to respond as she needs Him to.
The Dominant is communicative
It is hard to decide if this trait or that of self-control is the most important trait of a Dominant, but the ability to communicate well is vital to being a good Dominant. We have to be able to listen to our sub, we have to be able to be open to hearing things we may not want or like to hear, we have to listen to hear our subs needs, wants, desires. We have to listen to hear her fears, her weaknesses, her boundaries, and limits. We have to open and always keep open, the lines of communication between the Dominant and the submissive. And we have to recognize that good communication is more that just sitting down and forcing a conversation. It means always being willing to talk and to listen. It means looking for alternatives when verbal communication breaks down or isn’t enough.
Communication is really the cornerstone of any good relationship, in the vanilla world or in our own BDSM world. No relationship will last, will grow, will be truly all it can be, without good communication. The skills to be a successful communicator can be learned by any Dominant but it takes practice to really get good at it. Don’t wait, don’t wait until a relationship starts to breakdown, until after the sub begins to pull away. Begin working on developing a very high level of communication at the start of any relationship and it will always pay off.
I may write further on each individual trait at later dates, but for now let me just leave you with this. When I first began really researching and trying to grow as a Dominant many years ago I ran across this from an unknown author and have kept it as a personal reminder for many years:
Above all else, a Dominant cherishes their submissive in the knowledge that the gift the submissive gives is the greatest gift of all.
A Dominant is demanding and takes full advantage of the power they hold, but knows how to share the pleasure that comes from such power over another.
A Dominant is in control of themselves first and foremost, so that they may control others.
As a stern and demanding Dominant, they can cause their submissive to cry real tears; As a consummate lover, they will kiss such tears away without stepping out of character.
In times of trouble, a Dominant will leave the roles behind and be a supportive friend and partner, never forgetting that this is still a loving relationship between two individuals.
A Dominant is quick to understand the differences between fantasy and reality.
A Dominant will never ask a submissive to put them before the submissive’s career or family just to satisfy their own pleasure.
To win a submissive’s mind, body, spirit, soul and love, a Dominant knows they must first win the submissive’s trust.
A Dominant will show their submissive humour, kindness and warmth.
A Dominant must always show their submissive that their guidance and tutoring in knowledgeable and deserving of the submissive’s attention, that the Dominant is a person they can learn from in whom they can trust their direction.
A Dominant is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, they will fight for their submissive’s honor.
A Dominant proves to their submissive that they are someone who can be leaned upon and depended upon.
When it comes time to teach their submissive a lesson in obedience, a Dominant is a strong and unyielding teacher.
A Dominant will accept no flaw; nothing less than perfection from their student.
Never does a Dominant use discipline without good reason. When they punish their submissive it is always with a knowledgeable and careful hand.
A Dominant is always open to communication and discussion; always ready to hear their submissive’s wants and needs.
A Dominant is patient, taking time to learn their submissive’s limits and knowing that as the submissive’s trust in them grows, so to will they grow.
A Dominant never has to demand ritual behavior from their submissive. Their submissive responds to them out of the want of pleasing them. Compliance comes from the desire to please, not the fear of punishment.
A Dominant understand the fragile nature of mind and body and never violates the trust given to them.
A Dominant is secure enough to laugh at themselves and the absurdities of life; open-minded enough to learn new things. Strong enough to grow.
A Dominant’s tools are mind, body, spirit, soul and love.
A Dominant understands that E/each partner gains most from pleasuring the O/ther. And B/both of T/them know that love and trust are the only bonds that truly hold.
Anonymous Author